Too much Jane? Not enough boyfriend.

Day three of my old musings.  I wrote this about 3 years ago.  I still don't have the answers, btw. 

“Everybody likes to go their own way- to choose their own time and manner of devotion.” ~ Jane Austen

I have had a bout of self-discovery lately, by interviewing a couple of people I have discovered that you have to put yourself out there or the guy will not know you are interested. I have never done this…I think I have been jaded by movies; movies have gilded my views on life. I have been looking at life through rose-colored glasses, thinking everything will work out, the way it does in movies, the way it always does in movies. I didn’t know I had to be so vulnerable as to make my interests known to the guy. I just thought there would be some kind of chemistry and he would feel the attraction too. But the rumor is…. maybe not so much a rumor but a truth universally acknowledged that boys are stupid and cannot figure things out themselves, so you have to make your intentions known. I am an insecure being, one who doesn’t take well to rejection, how am I suppose to be that…well….Ballsy? I don’t think I can.

Again I will say it, I want to be pursued but what I’m being told is that I have to blatantly hint as to what I am feeling in order to be pursued?! Those are not the rules I want to abide by! I have tried to make my peace with this, accept it, but on to the hard part…HOW do I let it be known? Is there a subtle way to let it be known so that I can keep my dignity if he doesn’t feel the same and I don’t feel like crawling under a house to live forever in humiliation every time I see him? Or are these the unattainable unrealistic dreams of a little girl? Embroider it on a t-shirt, maybe? Sky writing?

By the way, that is how I feel most of the time, like a little girl. Not yet old enough to deal with these kinds of situations and emotions. I feel like I am still learning; yet I am the age of some whom are married with children, even some that are divorced. Why am I so far behind? Does this make me a late bloomer?

Another discovery I have made about myself is that I think I actually have tried to repel guys and didn’t even realize it until now. When I do like a guy or not like a guy but I have felt a spark, a connection, I have become mean. Mean to him as a defense mechanism, so that I am not hurt when he inevitably rejects me. I keep my guard up so it is not me who is being rejected but me, who is doing the rejecting. And this has been my way of keeping guys at a distance.

I need a sledgehammer to break down this wall.