Pangs of Disappointed Love

“Human nature is so well disposed towards those who are in interesting situations, that a young person, who either marries or dies, is sure of being kindly spoken of.”

How much easier my life would be if I were asexual, so much simpler. I could go through life without wondering if I am going to remain single forever, because it would be the only option. Being single would be preferable. I could be a friend with the opposite sex without any inhibitions. When people asked why I am single I could simply answer, “Oh, I am asexual.” Not like now when I say, “I am not really sure. I’m defective, maybe. Something must be wrong with me because no one has ever asked.” And I wouldn’t have to hear, “Oh, there is nothing wrong with you.” But yet they offer no explanation why I haven’t been asked out.

“Romances don’t seem to be calling for you.”

I told my guy friend the other day that I wish someone would teach me how to make my Tail Feathers stand out because the entire world is my competition, and he told me that I have a “Big City Personality”.  He said he sees me finding someone in my natural environment.  This is something I have actually been told before by others, but I wonder…Is this something they are just telling me to make me feel better about myself because they also have no idea why I am not being asked out. However, I lived in Los Angeles, for two years and zero propositions. Where is your theory now?

In Captivating, it says that women have a core question that needs to be answered; at first we look to our parents and especially dads to answer this question and then to men: "Am I lovely?" In hindsight, I do in fact believe that is what I have always been asking, with the follow up questions: Am I worthy? Am I lovable? So far, I have not had much success in getting an answer. In Wild At Heart, it says that men ask the core question; do I have what it takes? I fear that this front I have been putting up all this time has been scaring off any prospective men. Their question would not be answered by me or with an emphatic…NO! My mouth is busy saying, “I don’t need you.”, and they fail to notice how much in fact, I do need you.

In the words of Ivy, from one of the most romantic movies ever, The Village, “Sometimes we don’t do what we want to do so others won’t know we want to do them.” Truer words have never been spoken. Whenever I have felt something for a guy, I have second-guessed every single thing I have ever said or done to him or around him. I would start to touch him; just a simple friendly, possibly flirty touch and my inhibitions would yank my hand back so that he wouldn’t know that I wanted to touch him.

But I digress, back to answering his core question. How do I learn to answer his question? Or let him know that I would love to answer his question. I want to let the proverbial him know that one day I would love to let him know he has what it takes and that I need him. I need him to answer my question, as well. Am I lovely? Am I worthy?

This is one of my favorite songs.  Speaks to the truth of my soul and my insecurities.  While I was reading Captivating, I began praying that God would reveal to me how he feels about me as a Woman.  This song was playing on my iPod as I prayed.  When I stopped praying, it's as if God turned up the volume on the song, and I knew he was singing the last chorus to me.