“I cannot think well of a man who sports with any woman's feelings; and there may often be a great deal more suffered than a stander-by can judge of.”
Does it hurt worse to not be seen or to not be chosen? I
personally feel the former is the more evil of the two. Why? Because I have
lived a life on the Invisible Girl, the Character Actress, the Sidekick, the
Chunky Best Friend but never the girl he would like to date. I am not that
girl. What makes a Leading Lady? Beauty, duh, but even Uglies get crossed in
love a little now and then. I am the Character Actress always sitting next to
the Leading Lady. The Character Actress gives the advice, gets the laughs, but
she doesn’t get the guy or the love story.
I came to realization the other day that I don’t know if I
am ever even thought of as a dating option; like men have ME blinders when they
put their dating spectacles on. What it must be like to be one of those girls,
you know the girls I am talking about: the one that comes into your lives and all
the men in her presence fall in love. Are they just seeing her figure or do
they see her heart? And if the latter, why is my heart so hidden or is it just
ugly and undesirable?
I’ve tried to discuss this with friends, one in particular,
bless her heart, she tried but she is THAT girl. She is desirable. She is seen.
She is an ingénue. She didn’t get it. She assured me that I am not invisible.
That everyone loves me, that the guys at work love me, but I say, “Nay!” I am
invisible as a woman, not as a friend. Then she tried to offer to set me up
with her guy friend that also feels invisible. Poor thing, just didn’t
understand. I need to be pursued. I don’t want to be cheated out of my love
story. I am not even concerned with having a boyfriend. I mean it would be nice
if it happened but I have things I need to do. Places I need to go. He can’t
get in the way. All I want is to be wanted. I need to know that I am seen as a
woman, a dateable, loveable, and worthy woman. That is all I need right now.
So let’s just play What If? What if I tell the guy I like
that I in fact have feelings for him? Whatever his reaction is I feel that I
will be cheated and hurt. What if he confesses his feelings for me in return?
Oh what joy, however, he would have cheated me out of the love story that I
feel I rightfully deserve as a True Romantic, as a Jane Austen fan. On the other hand, what if he says, “Thanks,
but No Thanks.” Which let’s be honest, that is the reaction I expect. This guy
in particular would be a class act about the whole situation: would turn me
down gently, apologize for not returning my feelings, but let me know his
affections lie in another way. He would even be flattered for my thinking of
him and honored that I had the courage to tell him. Very admirable and
respectable which are all the reasons I like him in the first place but the
outcome will inevitably be heartbreak.
Then, the first time I would ever have the courage to profess my heart
to anyone will not have been reciprocated. Ouch. I don’t think I could do it
again. I think this hypothetical situation has been painful enough to live
through. I hate crushes.
“A lady's imagination is very rapid; it jumps from
admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.”
So instead of telling him how I feel or hinting subtly, I
have an amazing ability to act completely indifferent towards him as a way of
rejecting him before he rejects me. It’s my MO. That way I was the dumper
instead of the dumpee. It is a perfect way to end up alone with an animal yet
to be named.
This is an old habit that I have discovered since reading Captivating but a
tough one to kick. It’s like autopilot kicks on and I am indifferent before I
even realize. He even said whilst sitting next to me on the couch, (well in
between me and the girl he actually likes) “Why are you texting while you are
in a room full of people?” I wanted to scream, “It is my defense mechanism.
Please, save me from myself. Don’t you want to play Handy Manny to this broken
mess?”
No comments:
Post a Comment