A Whole Mess of Mr. Collins’

So, I am still very much working on this realization I had when I wrote this post several years ago.  If you have any advice for me, feel free to comment. 

I have always known I had a fear of rejection. Not difficult to decipher because I never really try.  Never really tried very hard at acting, not after being rejected in New York. Gave up singing when I felt rejected at NATS. Gave up sports when I played less than adequately and was teased by my teammates. I stay in my comfort zone. I’m complacent in the world of acceptance. I have even given up relationships when they get too complicated. I’m a quitter. I knew this about myself. And while this is something I need to address with a professional, I digress. I was under the misconception that I knew myself; that I was an open book. But I have learned more about myself in the last several weeks than I have learned in years and that is: I am guarded. Consider me the Secret Garden, only no one has found the key yet. Maybe that bird swallowed it.

I was walking into work one morning and there was a group of men standing outside waiting for the store to open. Sub-consciously I lowered my head, jammed my hands in my pockets and power walked into the store praying I went unnoticed. I entered the door with a “Holy Crap! I fear men!” Scared to death of them. All of them, any age, doesn’t matter.

It makes perfect sense. I have never had a relationship with a man. I don’t mean romantically. I mean, any kind of relationship. Not since my Papaw. My relationship with my Dad was either playful or fearful. We were either watching movies or I was running from him hoping not to be beaten. We never talked about anything important. Same with my brother, I don’t know anything about him. Pretty much sums up my friendships with men in my adult life (said loosely); it never goes beyond watching movies or joking around. They don’t know me; not really, I won’t let them.

I guess this is where my “Do Not Disturb” sign was purchased. I thought I was doing the right thing by acting like I didn’t need men. So I don’t cry at movies to prove I am just as strong as they are. I thought I was showing them how independent I was, and how I wasn’t like those stupid girls; the girls I hate, you know, the girls guys actually date. So where do I learn how to fix this? There is not a manual on becoming softer and more feminine.

How does one overcome a fear of men?