Always a Mary Bennet, never an Elizabeth

“It sometimes happens that a woman is handsomer at twenty-nine than she was ten years before.” ~Jane Austen

I was telling a friend of mine my Character Actress analogy and she told me something very profound. Lucille Ball was at first cast in the Leading Lady role in the beginning of her career. More dramatic, more glamorous roles, however, these movies never went over very well. They never made very much money at the box office, until someone put her in the Character Actress role, the comedic role and she flourished; her career took off. I thought that there was a very special lesson to be learned from this story. Some of us are cast in the Leading Lady roles in life and some are cast as the Character Actresses, and once we except our roles and become comfortable in them, we will truly be seen for who we are, then we become the Lead Actresses in our own stories.

I have Iris syndrome.

Arthur Abbott: He let you go. This is not a hard one to figure out. Iris, in the movies we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason you are behaving like the best friend. Iris: You're so right. You're supposed to be the leading lady of your own life, for god's sake! Arthur, I've been going to a therapist for three years, and she's never explained anything to me that well. That was brilliant. Brutal, but brilliant.

Pangs of Disappointed Love

“Human nature is so well disposed towards those who are in interesting situations, that a young person, who either marries or dies, is sure of being kindly spoken of.”

How much easier my life would be if I were asexual, so much simpler. I could go through life without wondering if I am going to remain single forever, because it would be the only option. Being single would be preferable. I could be a friend with the opposite sex without any inhibitions. When people asked why I am single I could simply answer, “Oh, I am asexual.” Not like now when I say, “I am not really sure. I’m defective, maybe. Something must be wrong with me because no one has ever asked.” And I wouldn’t have to hear, “Oh, there is nothing wrong with you.” But yet they offer no explanation why I haven’t been asked out.

“Romances don’t seem to be calling for you.”

I told my guy friend the other day that I wish someone would teach me how to make my Tail Feathers stand out because the entire world is my competition, and he told me that I have a “Big City Personality”.  He said he sees me finding someone in my natural environment.  This is something I have actually been told before by others, but I wonder…Is this something they are just telling me to make me feel better about myself because they also have no idea why I am not being asked out. However, I lived in Los Angeles, for two years and zero propositions. Where is your theory now?

In Captivating, it says that women have a core question that needs to be answered; at first we look to our parents and especially dads to answer this question and then to men: "Am I lovely?" In hindsight, I do in fact believe that is what I have always been asking, with the follow up questions: Am I worthy? Am I lovable? So far, I have not had much success in getting an answer. In Wild At Heart, it says that men ask the core question; do I have what it takes? I fear that this front I have been putting up all this time has been scaring off any prospective men. Their question would not be answered by me or with an emphatic…NO! My mouth is busy saying, “I don’t need you.”, and they fail to notice how much in fact, I do need you.

In the words of Ivy, from one of the most romantic movies ever, The Village, “Sometimes we don’t do what we want to do so others won’t know we want to do them.” Truer words have never been spoken. Whenever I have felt something for a guy, I have second-guessed every single thing I have ever said or done to him or around him. I would start to touch him; just a simple friendly, possibly flirty touch and my inhibitions would yank my hand back so that he wouldn’t know that I wanted to touch him.

But I digress, back to answering his core question. How do I learn to answer his question? Or let him know that I would love to answer his question. I want to let the proverbial him know that one day I would love to let him know he has what it takes and that I need him. I need him to answer my question, as well. Am I lovely? Am I worthy?

This is one of my favorite songs.  Speaks to the truth of my soul and my insecurities.  While I was reading Captivating, I began praying that God would reveal to me how he feels about me as a Woman.  This song was playing on my iPod as I prayed.  When I stopped praying, it's as if God turned up the volume on the song, and I knew he was singing the last chorus to me. 

Make like Fanny and be invisible

Back to my old journal postings. 


“I cannot think well of a man who sports with any woman's feelings; and there may often be a great deal more suffered than a stander-by can judge of.”

Does it hurt worse to not be seen or to not be chosen? I personally feel the former is the more evil of the two. Why? Because I have lived a life on the Invisible Girl, the Character Actress, the Sidekick, the Chunky Best Friend but never the girl he would like to date. I am not that girl. What makes a Leading Lady? Beauty, duh, but even Uglies get crossed in love a little now and then. I am the Character Actress always sitting next to the Leading Lady. The Character Actress gives the advice, gets the laughs, but she doesn’t get the guy or the love story.

I came to realization the other day that I don’t know if I am ever even thought of as a dating option; like men have ME blinders when they put their dating spectacles on. What it must be like to be one of those girls, you know the girls I am talking about: the one that comes into your lives and all the men in her presence fall in love. Are they just seeing her figure or do they see her heart? And if the latter, why is my heart so hidden or is it just ugly and undesirable?

I’ve tried to discuss this with friends, one in particular, bless her heart, she tried but she is THAT girl. She is desirable. She is seen. She is an ingénue. She didn’t get it. She assured me that I am not invisible. That everyone loves me, that the guys at work love me, but I say, “Nay!” I am invisible as a woman, not as a friend. Then she tried to offer to set me up with her guy friend that also feels invisible. Poor thing, just didn’t understand. I need to be pursued. I don’t want to be cheated out of my love story. I am not even concerned with having a boyfriend. I mean it would be nice if it happened but I have things I need to do. Places I need to go. He can’t get in the way. All I want is to be wanted. I need to know that I am seen as a woman, a dateable, loveable, and worthy woman. That is all I need right now.

So let’s just play What If? What if I tell the guy I like that I in fact have feelings for him? Whatever his reaction is I feel that I will be cheated and hurt. What if he confesses his feelings for me in return? Oh what joy, however, he would have cheated me out of the love story that I feel I rightfully deserve as a True Romantic, as a Jane Austen fan.  On the other hand, what if he says, “Thanks, but No Thanks.” Which let’s be honest, that is the reaction I expect. This guy in particular would be a class act about the whole situation: would turn me down gently, apologize for not returning my feelings, but let me know his affections lie in another way. He would even be flattered for my thinking of him and honored that I had the courage to tell him. Very admirable and respectable which are all the reasons I like him in the first place but the outcome will inevitably be heartbreak.  Then, the first time I would ever have the courage to profess my heart to anyone will not have been reciprocated. Ouch. I don’t think I could do it again. I think this hypothetical situation has been painful enough to live through. I hate crushes.

“A lady's imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.”

So instead of telling him how I feel or hinting subtly, I have an amazing ability to act completely indifferent towards him as a way of rejecting him before he rejects me. It’s my MO. That way I was the dumper instead of the dumpee. It is a perfect way to end up alone with an animal yet to be named. This is an old habit that I have discovered since reading Captivating but a tough one to kick. It’s like autopilot kicks on and I am indifferent before I even realize. He even said whilst sitting next to me on the couch, (well in between me and the girl he actually likes) “Why are you texting while you are in a room full of people?” I wanted to scream, “It is my defense mechanism. Please, save me from myself. Don’t you want to play Handy Manny to this broken mess?”

Henry Crawford, let me be, keep your pelvis far from me

I am skipping ahead to something I wrote last night.  This was something weighing on my heart that I wanted to share with all of you....being my Mom.  Hi, Mom.

Know your own happiness.  Want for nothing but patience – or give it a more fascinating name: call it hope. –Sense and Sensibility

Unicorns, Loch Ness, Fairies, Chupacabra, and Male Virgins...are they real?  I’ve heard rumors that they exist, but I’ve never seen one. 

A wise friend once said to me, “I like my men like I like my Olive Oil…Extra Virgin” Can he be found at Wal-Mart?  Or is he only found at the Health Food Store?  Just point me in the right direction.  Aisle 5? 

 Innocence has become a rarity in my lifetime.  Virgins are treated like a ridiculous ticking time bomb waiting to burst.  We won’t make it till marriage; it is just a matter of time.  And for the most part society is correct.  We make these promises when we are young before temptation really hits.  Are we really that weak of a species?  We simply can’t wait. 

I reject the acceptance that sex is just expected whilst dating.  When did this become the norm?  Or has it always been so and it wasn’t discussed as openly as it is now?  We are a world of drive thru Fast Food, Sex on the 3^rd date, download album now instant gratification.  Of which there will never be an end.  With each generation we just spiral further downward.  I feel like Katniss in the Hunger Games, never wanting to have kids so she doesn’t have to subject them to this disintegrating world.  Her world was poverty and dictatorship, our’s is a sex-crazed society, but you smell what I’m stepping in.  Why is waiting such a bad thing?  Almost a bad word?  In While You Were Sleeping when Lucy tells her coworker that she and her fiancé are waiting until they get married, the coworker says, “WAITING?” as if it tasted like a yellow Starburst.  Patience is a dying noun.  It will be one of those words that take on a whole new meaning; like jerk or douche bag.  Well, I’m making a stand!  (Begin Beat box) I’m bringing patience back, YEAH!  Them other boys don’t know how to act, YEAH!

Patience- the ability to endure waiting, delay, or provocation without becoming annoyed or upset or to persevere calmly when faced with difficulties.

Men, I would like to call forward your protective animal instincts.  I would also like to call forth the chivalric prince; I know is hiding inside you.  It’s unfair to put this on us; girls are the ones who withhold.  We are the ones to see the bigger picture.  No more!  Man up!  Rub some dirt on your hairy chest with sword and shield in hand and shout, “I will protect you, milady!  I will protect your honor and your beliefs.”  Bit far?  Rather pull your Man tank over your newly shaven chest with your Bible and laptop in hand and shout those words.

 Sheesh!  I was born out of place.  Out of place and out of time.

A Whole Mess of Mr. Collins’

So, I am still very much working on this realization I had when I wrote this post several years ago.  If you have any advice for me, feel free to comment. 

I have always known I had a fear of rejection. Not difficult to decipher because I never really try.  Never really tried very hard at acting, not after being rejected in New York. Gave up singing when I felt rejected at NATS. Gave up sports when I played less than adequately and was teased by my teammates. I stay in my comfort zone. I’m complacent in the world of acceptance. I have even given up relationships when they get too complicated. I’m a quitter. I knew this about myself. And while this is something I need to address with a professional, I digress. I was under the misconception that I knew myself; that I was an open book. But I have learned more about myself in the last several weeks than I have learned in years and that is: I am guarded. Consider me the Secret Garden, only no one has found the key yet. Maybe that bird swallowed it.

I was walking into work one morning and there was a group of men standing outside waiting for the store to open. Sub-consciously I lowered my head, jammed my hands in my pockets and power walked into the store praying I went unnoticed. I entered the door with a “Holy Crap! I fear men!” Scared to death of them. All of them, any age, doesn’t matter.

It makes perfect sense. I have never had a relationship with a man. I don’t mean romantically. I mean, any kind of relationship. Not since my Papaw. My relationship with my Dad was either playful or fearful. We were either watching movies or I was running from him hoping not to be beaten. We never talked about anything important. Same with my brother, I don’t know anything about him. Pretty much sums up my friendships with men in my adult life (said loosely); it never goes beyond watching movies or joking around. They don’t know me; not really, I won’t let them.

I guess this is where my “Do Not Disturb” sign was purchased. I thought I was doing the right thing by acting like I didn’t need men. So I don’t cry at movies to prove I am just as strong as they are. I thought I was showing them how independent I was, and how I wasn’t like those stupid girls; the girls I hate, you know, the girls guys actually date. So where do I learn how to fix this? There is not a manual on becoming softer and more feminine.

How does one overcome a fear of men? 

You're killing me, Austen! You're killing me!

Maybe I should have spaced out these posts on being single; consecutively they seem a bit redundant and self-centered, but let me reiterate this post is three years old.  Also, I don't have a crush on anyone...save my Mom another phone call. 

I find that I my imagination has a mind of its own. It sets me up for disappointment every time I go somewhere, convinced someone will profess their love for me or ask me out or touch my hand. I blame you Jane; it’s your entire fault. You put these Romantic notions in my head.

Otherwise, the scenario would be me going to my guy friend’s house just to watch a movie. There should be no expectations there but instead I imagine going into the house, getting a hug, sitting next to him on the couch and there being that kind of electricity pulling us together like the Science Class Scene in the Twilight Book (it’s the only example I could think of, forgive me). That is far from what happened and I knew it wouldn’t go that way but my hope longed for that scenario. Why do I set myself up for disappointment? Why do we do that to ourselves? How can we stop it? If this were one of Jane’s books, something would have happened, anything.

I would rather see what plays out and be surprised or in my case, what doesn’t play out and not disappointed. I want to see how my love story plays out because I know it will be better than anything my imagination can cook up, mainly because it will be real. So why can’t we wait to see what happens?

Instead of fighting it, I thought about just giving in to my crush and saying…”OK, Yeah. I have a crush on this guy. Let’s see what happens.” But I will inevitably be hurt because I am always hurt and I bring it on myself. He won’t have slighted me on purpose, well hopefully. But I will feel slighted nonetheless. I will feel alone and rejected and he will be none the wiser.

It will be a one sided lovers quarrel; A one sided break up, and my heart will turn a little more to stone without anyone ever intentionally hurting it. I become a little more bitter with every crush and a little more hateful towards men, which is not fair to them. And then my Do Not Disturb sign on my forehead becomes bigger than it was before.

Jane, What have you done to me? In what I assume was an attempt to cure your personal pangs of disappointed love, you created my love story downfall.

An Edward in a haystack

I can say one good thing about not dating...I have no regrets.  If all of my crushes had worked out the way I hoped, I would have a pile of embarrassment.  Ew. 

"There are certainly not so many men of large fortune in the world, as there are pretty women to deserve them." ~Jane Austen


I don’t even know how to start this because I am ashamed of feeling this way. I hate having crushes. I hate them. And I especially hate them when they begin because you think that said guy likes you first. So essentially your feelings stem from something artificial because inevitably he doesn’t actually have feelings for you and you are left with another bad case of unrequited love.

And what if this particular instance the guy happens to be completely wonderful and attains attributes in a future husband you never knew you needed. He is thoughtful and kind and mature. He takes the time to get to know people and steps back to assess situations. He genuinely cares for people and wants them to succeed. What do I do when I recognize I want these attributes in a future husband but want to get over this crush because I know that he is not interested in me and I am sick of being hurt. I have been praying that I am coming to God in my daily devotion to be closer to Him and to make myself whole.  I don’t want to be doing it with a hidden agenda in hopes that someone will love me, but in the several weeks since I have begun my devotion, I have developed a crush. This isn’t fair. I am feeling attacked. I almost want to stop my devotion to prove I am not doing it for the wrong reasons. As I am writing this I guarantee that is what the Devil wants me to do. AHA! I have found you out, Satan. You will not prevail!

After my Mom called to ask who I was crushing on, I felt the need to add this reminder....the posts in a different font are old.

Down with the Bingley’s of the world!

Before I post my next Single Blog Entry, I wanted to tell you about yesterday.

First, I went to church to help my friend in the nursery. The innocence and joy of being around babies, lifted my spirits. In the evening I tried a church I've heard a few people talk about, Reality LA. Loved it. My new church. Also, I know I spoke about eating healthy, which I did, all day up until we discovered Pink's Hot Dogs was very near church. I have always wanted to go there. So I did. It was amazing. A Los Angeles rite of passage. Perhaps the reason I never felt at home here last time was due to my lack of Pink's Hot Dogs. Anywho, yesterday was a practice run, today is the first day of my diet. WINK. Yesterday was the start to a great week. I can feel it.


Charlotte: “Few of us are secure enough to be in love without proper encouragement. Bingley likes her enormously, but might not do more if she does not help him on.”

Elizabeth: “She's just shy. If he cannot perceive her regard, he is a fool.”

Charlotte: “We are all fools in love. He does not know her character as we do.”

I have been reading a book called Captivating, it says that women have three desires in life…to be romanced, to play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure, and to unveil beauty. When I gave it thought I came to the conclusion that I agree wholeheartedly with this statement. Everything I have ever done, felt, or said goes along with these three desires. I have also come to the conclusion that I have the wrong mindset. I have always believed that I put God first and the longing for a relationship second. Not true. I have discovered that my self-worth has been tied up into what everyone else thinks of me, or what I assume they think of me. This is not much considering I have never had a date. I was basing it on what I believe they (meaning boys) think of me and not what God thinks of me. And He thinks I am breathtaking. And a part of me says, “Well, He thinks that because He made you and that is what parents think of their kids.” Or did he make me because he knew I was going to BE breathtaking. He could have easily thrown me back so to say, when he realized I was just ordinary, but he chose to keep me around because I was extraordinary! I think once I get this embedded in my brain I will have a whole new perspective on life.

I also realized while reading this book that men today do not pursue. They used to, as we well know from every book Jane has written, they just sit around and wait to see who is coming after them. “If a woman is partial to a man, and does not endeavor to conceal it, he must find it out.” Not all men, there are some, and most likely, they are already married. I will not accept this. If it means I will not get married, so be it. That is fine. Especially with my new perspective on life, but God help me, in the words of Bethany Dillon, “I want to be pursued!” So Bingley’s of the world: who are shy and reserved and almost lose your women because of similar characteristics...MAN UP! Read a book on real men preferably written by a woman!

Here he comes to save the day

"But when a young lady is to be a heroine, the perverseness of forty surrounding families cannot prevent her. Something must and will happen to throw a hero in her way.” ~Northanger Abbey

So I finally understand why Jane wrote Northanger Abbey. Lets face it; it’s everyone’s least favorite book though I completely enjoy Mr. Tilney and his teasing manner but I never understood his attraction to the naive and immature Catherine Moreland.

But today I found myself in Catherine’s shoes. I came home from work and while making dinner I imagined a guy, any guy ringing my doorbell and confessing his undying love for me. Have I seen too many Romantic Comedies? Do things like that really ever happen? To anyone? I mean I know nothing ever turns out the way you plan, and our personal love stories cannot be imagined but I have to do or think of something to get me through the rest of my life. I just hope that I don’t get fearful of ending up alone and settle for the first guy I can force to propose. It’s getting so ridiculous that I am considering getting a dog or adopting a kid to secure that something or someone will love me one day. I need help or something else…

Fester, fester, fester....Rot, Rot, Rot

"It requires uncommon steadiness of reason to resist the attraction of being called the most charming girl in the world." ~Mansfield Park

Well, today was my day of mourning the loss of the job I wanted.  I've eaten my feelings and wallowed in my devastation, but today was all I get.  Tomorrow I will praise the Lord for opening the doors I haven't walked through yet, and Monday is a new day to find the right job for me!  Tomorrow is also the day I get back on my healthy eating regimen.  Eating badly hinders my good attitude, and my lack of exercise enables the sadness.  So here we go....even if I don't get the job I want; I will feel and look good.  That was really more of a pep-talk to myself. 

The real reason I decided to post this was to say, yes I am sad I didn't get the job I wanted but to also share what happened today.  I actually went to a Receptionist interview tonight at a Salon owned by a nice Indian woman.  She took me into the room and first complimented my eyes, "Your eyes are beautiful.  Are they blue or green?"  Then we talked about my former job at a Skin Spa, "Is that why your skin is so beautiful?"  We talked about pay and hours but they are not paying nearly what I need to pay my bills.  She told me to call her and let her know if I wanted to accept the job, and it's OK if it's a "No".  The employer doesn't always have to be the one that says, "No".  Then she said, "I like your personality, your skin, and your eyes."  As I walked away from the interview, I thought, God is so funny.  The other interview, I walked out feeling unworthy, feeling too fat, not trendy enough, well just not enough.  I left this interview feeling like I could take over the world! 

Am I Mr. Bennet or Mr. Darcy?

Several people have told me recently that I am negative, which I have always known about myself, well I thought I knew that about myself but the more I thought about it, the more I disagreed. Then I came across a Jane quote, and my outlook changed.

“There are few people whom I really love, and still fewer of whom I think well. The more I see of the world, the more am I dissatisfied with it; and every day conforms my belief of the inconsistency of all human characters, and of the little dependence that can be place on the appearance of merit or sense.” ~Jane Austen

I don’t have negative thoughts, I have hopeful thoughts, but I do get disappointed very easily. I have such high standards for people, and inevitably I am let down. Like our hero Darcy, my good opinion once lost is lost forever. So are they right? Am I Mr. Bennet, bitter of the hand I’ve been dealt and would rather make sport of everyone and everything to get through life than come to terms with my downfalls or am I Mr. Darcy, dejected by all human kind because of my moral rectitude, and my high standards are being misconstrued as negativity

Rejection never felt so good

Rejection is the theme of the week.  I didn't get the job I wanted.  What worries me is that I am not worried.  I didn't feel the sting of devastation I usually do when something doesn't turn out the way I hope.  Maybe it's the presence of God holding me.  Maybe it's due to watching A Snoodle's Tale today.  If you haven't ever watched it, you should.

Now you have no excuse.  I love the message in this video.  God's perception of us is the only one that matters.  It's the one we should carry with us.

I know how the story goes...I didn't get this job so God must have something else planned.  BUT....this paid so well and it was exactly what I wanted to do.  It's why I came to LA.  Now I am back to square 1......square not having a job. 

Until God opens a door, praise him in the hallway.

I must be ravishing.

I debated whether or not to even post this....the last few posts have all been very pessimistic, but hang in there it gets better.  I grow, I learn, I lose the weight. 

Jane, herself, knew there were far worse things than being single. A mercenary marriage is one of them.

Marriage in Jane’s day was more about status in society, some love, but mostly status. I feel that today statuses have been replaced with looks. Where a woman’s status would have gotten her noticed in the 19^thCentury, just being skinny is enough now. Not even pretty, just skinny. Thin does not pretty make. And maybe the men do fall in love with the unattractive skinny trollop eventually but what about us, lovable but are not thin enough to catch their attentions. We remain single. We are not even given the chance to be loved. I think I would be happier to remain single like Jane than to marry one of them! Let the Bitterness ensue.

 

 

I’m no Mary Crawford

I was going through a rough time when I wrote this.  I believe I had a crush on a guy that had a crush on someone else......and so the story goes....

"I have no pretensions whatever to that kind of elegance which consists in tormenting a respectable man." ~Pride and Prejudice

A girl told me the other day that the way to get a man is to show off my cleavage a little more, and I thought, how sad for her. Is that really what she thinks will bring them in? That’s not the kind of man I want to attract. Plus he won’t stay long when he realizes he won’t actually get to see them until we are married. And this little situation goes hand in hand with something I have been thinking about lately…I have always wanted to be thin, not for anyone else but for me, and this is a completely separate subject that I could get off on a tangent about but I digress. But I was thinking that if I did become thin and then get asked out by someone that I have known, I don’t know if I would accept because I would be the exact same person I was before, the only difference is how I look. That is not the kind of guy that I want. A superficial one! My mind goes through this cycle of thinking over and over again and it makes me bitter. It is why I am a cynic.

I finally had to talk about my feelings because I was about to burst. I asked my Mom, “Why has no one asked me out? What’s wrong with me?” She didn’t have any answers but she asked me if I talk about hating men. Yes, Yes I do. Until they stop being superficial and one proves me wrong, I’ll keep saying “Men suck”. I am basically asking one to prove me wrong! Please do. But no one is standing in line to try. So is it my fault or theirs? I don’t know what answer I would rather it be. If it’s my fault, I am defective…ugly or annoying or scary; which in turn keeps my insecurities on the surface. If it’s their fault it means they are superficial and don’t know a good thing when they see it. All they see is fat or thin. Not even pretty or ugly because there are plenty of ugly, thin girls that guy’s just fawn over. A Butter Face, so they say. And if that is what men are then I don’t want them!

Honestly, it comes down to having faith that the right guy is going to present himself at the time it should be so and not a moment sooner but it would be nice if it were sooner.

Reading this, I chuckled to myself...I did lose the weight, mostly.

You've heard it before....as I always say, "It's a cliche for a reason."  God works in mysterious ways.  I went to an interview yesterday, as soon as I walked into the door Satan started whispering lies into my ear.  "You don't belong here.  You are not thin enough.  You are not trendy enough.  They can see right through you."  I immediately asked my for prayers.  My 2nd Mom sent me an email which hit the spot. 

"Don't be afraid, I've redeemed you. I've called your name. You're mine. When you're in over your head, I'll be there with you. When you're in rough waters, you will not go down. When you're between a rock and a hard place, it won't be a dead end — Because I am God, your personal God, The Holy of Israel, your Savior. I paid a huge price for you: all of Egypt, with rich Cush and Seba thrown in! That's how much you mean to me! That's how much I love you! I'd sell off the whole world to get you back, trade the creation just for you." Isaiah 43:1b-4 (The Message)

I say that I am OK with being single.  I try to be, but there is always that underlying affirmation on replay, "You are not worthy."  I am replacing it starting today.  "I am worthy.  I am pursued daily by the One that knows my every thought" (and still he pursues me). 

Dear Lord, this part of me that wants to be pursued and rescued ... You created it. You created it to be filled by Your unconditional love. Thank You that You will never grow tired of me or stop pursing me. You want me. In Jesus' Name, Amen.


 

Emma reincarnated

We are not even remotely close to the end of my Jane Austen inspired journal.....oh not even close. 

“Preserve yourself from first love…and you need not fear a second.” ~Jane Austen

All this week I have had the same message sent to me from above, below, or somewhere, but in different ways. DON’T GET MARRIED! The married people I’ve talked to say, “I don’t know if it’s worth it.” Wow! That is quite a thing to say.

What’s the fun in not being able to refer to yourself as an “I” anymore, I mean is it a rule that you have to answer every question with “We”? And having to be split up from your family every other Holiday only to go to his psycho Mom’s house, so you can be treated like the thing that went wrong in her precious son’s life. Or not being able to spend your hard earned money as your own, and the fear of being killed if you open a store card to save the 10%. That life doesn’t sound very fun. What about the realization that this is your life for the next…well, however long you live? And, "Oh crap, I always wanted to go to Europe before my 30^th birthday, but I’m pregnant. And there goes the next 18 years. But wouldn’t have been fun to be an actor? I guess I will just have to live vicariously through People Magazine and Romantic Comedies."  I just don’t know if it’s worth all the marriage?

I think maybe Jane used her imagination as her outlet and lived her life the way she intended. I wonder if she had any regrets. I mean, of course it is fun to be appreciated and doted on. I assume, that is. I don’t exactly get that treatment. What I guess I mean is that it must be fun and that is probably why women get sucked in, in the first place. I have been made felt special by a few repressed gays because they love the chunky women. That’s where we get our love. I’m leery of a skinny handsome guy after us chunks. Something’s just not right there. In fact the other day, a guy walked by my friend and I and looked at her and said, “Oh, Wow, you look beautiful today,” And then came back to me and said, “I didn’t mean to leave you out, you look beautiful today too. You are beautiful in His eyes.” Thank you, Thank you for that backhanded compliment. Those are the kind of compliments I get from the straights. That and, “If you merged your personality with Christina’s looks, you would be the perfect woman.” I have also heard, “You are very attractive in a different way.” Stop it! I cannot handle the flattery, you! I might get a big head.
I am a little worried that if a man ever does come my way, and for some unknown reason, wants to be with me, that by the time that happens, I will be so desperate for some kind of interaction that I will take him no matter if he is right or wrong, clean or dirty, handsome or…well…Mr. Collins. Even to type that, I threw up in my mouth a little. Is that what happens to some women? Is that why they date stupid men, or lazy men, or Douche bags? Because they were desperate? I know in some cases, they have Daddy issues but I don’t want to go back to the Daddy issues now.

Is this me trying to convince myself that being single is okay? That I would rather be single than married to Mr. Elton? What day of the week is it? Yep, I am. Ask me again tomorrow. The answer will change. Women are so complicated.

 

 

Mr. Darcy wouldn’t touch ME with a 10-foot pole.

I would like to say that these feelings have been rectified.....they have not.  They are all still pretty relevant.

“A single woman with a narrow income must be ridiculous, disagreeable old maid, the proper sport of boys and girls; but a single woman of good fortune is always respectable, and may be a sensible and pleasant as anybody else.” ~Emma

I am just wondering if something is not right with me. Without meaning to sound full of myself, which I don’t think I am because I am so insecure, but people seem to like me. People seem to have fun with me and enjoy my company. That’s what they tell me anyway, and how they act but…no one seems to WANT me. They want to be with me but not WITH me. Am I fun but fun in doses, like I would be annoying if I was around all the time? But I am not always on. I have many degrees of emotions. Am I too mean?  I think I have sweetness in me too.  I’m no Emma but I’m also no Ms. Bates.  I am chunky but a lot of chunky girls have boyfriends, and some of them even found these guys without the Internet. So what am I missing? Or what do I have too much of, beside junk in the trunk. I just wish that someone would answer my questions? Why am I always just a friend and nothing more?

Will the real Jane Austen please stand up?

I’m not that girl. I am never going to be that girl. Jane sums up my entire life with, “The more I know of the world, the more I am convinced that I shall never see a man whom I can really love.” But it might be the reverse, the more I know of the world, the more I am convinced that that I shall never see a man whom will really love me.

Am I completely translucent? I am there, and they sort of see me but they don’t REALLY see me. My hope is failing. My faith is failing. At the risk of sounding…Woe is me, I don’t know many people who feel this way. I don’t feel I have anyone to talk to about this, well except for Jane. She would understand how I am feeling. She would completely and utterly make light of my situation but she would understand. Wouldn’t she?

 

Keep Breathing

This is a double post day.

"My sore throats are always worse than anyone's."~Persuasion

It's not even noon and this day is off to a rough start.  Had to move my car for street cleaning.  I had to park about 5 blocks away at 7 in the morning.  Tried to workout, forgot the gym key.  Elliptical is not working correctly.  Walking on the treadmill with my negative thoughts on repeat...."If I don't belong here, where do I belong?  I don't know that I want to stay here for more than a year.  I can't see myself building a life here?  Where else could I go?  I will never get a job.....yada yada ya."  Then I dropped my iPhone, the ear buds disconnect which causes the treadmill to shut down and not come back on.  I give up.  I'm going back to the apartment. 

My friend, Lauren keeps reminding me that the main character in the movie has to suffer.  Nothing goes the way we plan.  It will be something to laugh at later, but I feel that my life is filled with nothing but things I am suppose to laugh at later but the time to laugh never comes.  I don't know when this life is suppose to start...I'm still waiting.  I fear I will still be waiting on my deathbed with no one to share my thoughts with but Fievel the plush mouse my Papaw gave me when I was 3. 

This too shall pass.  Until then, this song is on repeat in my heart and on my iPod......

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fORAPkfVV_A

Too much Jane? Not enough boyfriend.

Day three of my old musings.  I wrote this about 3 years ago.  I still don't have the answers, btw. 

“Everybody likes to go their own way- to choose their own time and manner of devotion.” ~ Jane Austen

I have had a bout of self-discovery lately, by interviewing a couple of people I have discovered that you have to put yourself out there or the guy will not know you are interested. I have never done this…I think I have been jaded by movies; movies have gilded my views on life. I have been looking at life through rose-colored glasses, thinking everything will work out, the way it does in movies, the way it always does in movies. I didn’t know I had to be so vulnerable as to make my interests known to the guy. I just thought there would be some kind of chemistry and he would feel the attraction too. But the rumor is…. maybe not so much a rumor but a truth universally acknowledged that boys are stupid and cannot figure things out themselves, so you have to make your intentions known. I am an insecure being, one who doesn’t take well to rejection, how am I suppose to be that…well….Ballsy? I don’t think I can.

Again I will say it, I want to be pursued but what I’m being told is that I have to blatantly hint as to what I am feeling in order to be pursued?! Those are not the rules I want to abide by! I have tried to make my peace with this, accept it, but on to the hard part…HOW do I let it be known? Is there a subtle way to let it be known so that I can keep my dignity if he doesn’t feel the same and I don’t feel like crawling under a house to live forever in humiliation every time I see him? Or are these the unattainable unrealistic dreams of a little girl? Embroider it on a t-shirt, maybe? Sky writing?

By the way, that is how I feel most of the time, like a little girl. Not yet old enough to deal with these kinds of situations and emotions. I feel like I am still learning; yet I am the age of some whom are married with children, even some that are divorced. Why am I so far behind? Does this make me a late bloomer?

Another discovery I have made about myself is that I think I actually have tried to repel guys and didn’t even realize it until now. When I do like a guy or not like a guy but I have felt a spark, a connection, I have become mean. Mean to him as a defense mechanism, so that I am not hurt when he inevitably rejects me. I keep my guard up so it is not me who is being rejected but me, who is doing the rejecting. And this has been my way of keeping guys at a distance.

I need a sledgehammer to break down this wall.

Mr. Darcy wouldn’t touch you with a 10-foot pole!

Day 2 of posting my old rants.  I remember when I wrote this.  I was listening to a few girl's at work talk about their sexcapades, and I felt sad for them.  I've always been someone that's affected by other people's sins, I guess.  My heart breaks for others when they are doing something I know will damage their future.  I have always been one to see the bigger picture; which I believe has kept me out of trouble.  What kind of trouble?  All sorts of trouble. 

“How little of permanent happiness could belong to a couple who were only brought together because their passions were stronger than their virtue.” ~Jane Austen

I cannot make up my mind whether or not I would live in Jane’s era or not. On the one hand, it is so romantic, the way the women were courted, and not dated, nor bedded, well for the most part, but on the other hand, I don’t like that there was occasionally no romance involved, just a business deal. “I’ll trade my best calf for your daughter’s hand in marriage.” But isn’t that true today? Well, not the trading of livestock, but well, sort of. People today, I think often get married out of convenience. “We’ve been together for several years, we’ve already slept together. I guess we should get married.” That’s the next step right? Are they truly, head over heels in love or just settling? And what is the point of getting married at all when you slept with him on the third date? Oh yeah, tax write off. And I think on the opposite end of the spectrum there are the Christian’s or do-gooders or whatever you want to call them, the one’s that wait, well, try to wait till they are married to have the sex! I find that most of them get married too soon, all because they want to get to the sex part as soon as possible and not break the “moral code”. So they date for three, four, five months, and plan the wedding for the sixth. Which one of these scenarios is ideal? Will either of these hypothetical relationships last? And where do I fit in to this? I do have my own “moral code” but I don’t want to end up like any of these couples. Of which all of my hypothetical couples end up divorced, they just do, because it is my hypothetical and that’s the way I chose to end it!

You know? I never thought of myself as a Romantic girl. I am not sappy; I am not one for the Romantic Comedies. But I had a friend tell me, “You are a true romantic, you love Jane Austen stories, unrequited love, and the excitement of the character when he helps her into the carriage.  True romance, not just sex, but romance.” I said, “By God, you are right!” I didn’t really because I don’t talk like that but for my sake, pretend, ok? I think that my generation has rushed to the sex part of the relationship and totally skipped the romance. The butterflies. It hasn’t happened much in my life, but I have had that enjoyable experience once or twice. Isn’t that what makes the whole process worth it? I heard once that, Anticipation is the purest form of pleasure. I believe that whole-heartedly. Isn’t the waiting, the best part, because once its over, its over, but the waiting, and the planning, and the anticipation is a pleasure only time can take away. That pertains to romance, you think? When he touches you on the arm or leg or whatever for the first time, and you think, “Did he mean to do that? I wish he would do it again!” And then you wait…and depending what kind of guy he is…you wait… “Oh, he touched me again. He did mean to! I can’t wait to hold his hand.” There are so many thoughts and emotions to the process, why would you want to bypass any of it? “Hey! How are you?” “Hey! Good.” And we are having sex! Where is the fun in that? I mean, I've heard sex is enjoyable, but is it less enjoyable than if you had waited and experienced all the in between? Probably, but how would you know if you didn’t wait, there is only one way to find out. To wait. And what happens when this guy turns into a real creeper? Now don’t you feel grossed out that you let him all up in your business? Well, you should. Not that I am judging, everyone makes their own decisions and everyone makes mistakes but I just want to put this out there to pose the questions, to make you think.

Who think? I don’t know, maybe just me think!

Just call me Charlotte Lucas.

Okay, I am about to post something near and dear to my heart.  It's about to get real in the Whole Foods parking lot (YouTube video, look it up).  I've sort of had an Unpublished Blog, if you will, on being single.  Or a Computerized Journal, perhaps.  I've decided to let it out in the open.  To "send it out in a cosmic void" to quote one of my favorite movies.  I have been writing these lonely rantings for three years.  Some of these feelings are long past....Some I am still working through.  All of the crushes I mention are long gone.  Forgive the frustrations of the 25 year old girl that wrote this, she's feeling much better now....sort of:

What is this bull that I could have a boyfriend if I wanted one? Well, OK, this is me wanting one…Where is he? Where is my prince? I want one, there, wasn’t that supposed to cure my ailing? Well, it didn’t happen. Ah, just as I suspected, Bull Shit! And I don’t want to hear this shit, “Men are just intimidated by me”! Really? Every man? Every man I have ever known is too intimidated by me to ask me out? Wow, I should be in Guinness as the Most Intimidating Woman in the World. Where is my prize? What is the prize? It sure as hell isn’t a boyfriend, I bet!

Jane Austen said it best, “Next to being married, a girl likes to be crossed in love a little now and then.”

And I am not asking for a husband, God knows I do not want to fall into the Southern stereotype of being a married schoolteacher with kids. I don’t want my life mapped out for me by the time I am 30. How boring. I don’t want to know where I will be in 30 years...GAH! But, a little romance? Come on! I would take some. And what would it hurt? I promise to uphold my morals and standards. All I want is to feel wanted, for the first time in my life.

I don’t say all this for sympathy, or empathy; just to vent, just to get my thoughts out of my skull where they usually play on repeat. Enough is enough. Something needs to be done, but what? My friends tell me that boys are stupid and you have to encourage them if you want them to make a move! Or that I have to make the move or they won’t. What is that? I want to be pursued; other girls are pursued right? Or was that only after encouragement? Is there some kind of secret that I don’t know yet? Some skill that I was programmed without?

Just for once, I wish someone that I am crushing on, will crush on me back? Do I just choose the wrong ones to crush on? If so, does that mean I am destined to end up with someone that I am not attracted to? Why was I created to be attracted to this certain type of guy then? Isn’t that like being born with the passion to be a singer and not be able to carry a tune? Who makes these rules? It’s pretty cruel.

I hate having crushes anyway, aren’t they supposed to be fun? Mine never end up being fun! I end up with a broken heart of which no one but me is responsible.

Is it just sad and pathetic to rant and rave like this? Probably, but there are no other 28 year old virgins left in the world; let alone one that has never been asked on a freaking date!  I don't want to be Susan Boyle!

I suppose this all has something to do with my Daddy issues. I guess it could be worse; my daddy issues could have taken form in the completely opposite way. I could be a slut, but I am not, because I have never been given the opportunity to be a slut. But the opposite of being a slut is to repel the guys away, so how does one do that if I am not doing it on purpose? Wouldn’t I be aware if I was repelling guys, I mean wouldn’t I be doing it on purpose. I am so close to buying a stinking self-help book, or worse…going about it the way most chubby girls have to, which is the Internet! Pathetic. I will die an old maid before I would result to that.

I refuse to believe that I have to go out all the time to find a guy. Most people don’t have successful relationships with guys from bars. Is that what you are going to tell your grandchildren, really? I don’t think I should have to go on a manhunt. Moondoggie should find and pursue me. Be the man! You have balls!

Really, I have always kind of had this peace about being single. Knowing that God has someone really special in mind for me, and I was being patient waiting for him, but lately I have been feeling just a little pathetic that I haven’t even had interest from someone else. Was I just telling myself to make myself feel better, but I really do have faith in God that things will happen when they are supposed to happen. I have faith that He knows what he is doing. I do get a little lonely sometimes, but I usually just ask Him to hold me and I feel better. Lately, this nagging feeling is a little more persistent than it has ever been before. Shooo, fly! Don’t bother me!

If only it were that easy.

Who's Move is it?

Interviewing is almost as exhausting as a full day of work.  I had somewhat of an Interviewing Marathon today.  I prayed this morning that He would let me know where I belong.  The first interview went well...I think.  Although, there was a quiz!  Who knew we were suppose to remember the State Capitals!  I went blank.  I mean, I knew Arkansas', of course.  I really would like to take this moment to blame whichever teacher I had in whichever grade you are suppose to learn these things.  Didn't some people learn a song for the State Capitals?  I didn't!!!  Actually, I blame my Dad and his instability.  I probably missed the song due to moving schools.  YEAH BLAME HIM!  I digress.  The Interview went well (aside from the capital mishap), but I won't know anything until the end of next week.  It's a full time job and pays OK but who has two thumbs and needs a job before October?  THIS GIRL! 

The second interview was only a part time job that did not pay so well.  Aside from those two negatives the real kicker is that as soon as I walked in I had this overwhelming feeling that I wasn't suppose to work there.  Divine Intervention?  Or ugly smocks?  Alls I know is that I prayed and He answered.  And wouldn't you know it....they offered me the job on the spot.  Ain't that the way it goes!? 

The third interview was also for a part time job, pay to be determined...outlook: not so good.  Again, the interview went well, I think, but I had to go home and fill out an online questionnaire before we could proceed forward with the hiring process.  Let me just say, if I could afford to be picky, I would say...NOPE! I boycott your questionnaire.  It is a waste of time for the person who wrote the test and this girl who had to take the 30 minute test!  C'MON!  Everyone that has ever taken one of those tests is going to answer with what they think the employer wants to hear, not how we really feel.  I wonder if that is a career I can look into.  Writing legit questionnaires for the interview process...

When dealing with a difficult customer, you...
a. Cry
b. Slap the bejeezus out of him/her
c. Smile and nod; all the while imagining said customer walking on Legos barefoot
d. Run away whilst yelling, "I don't get paid enough for this!"

I left the last interview today, walked into Pier 1, and said, "Look, I've been interviewing all day for jobs I don't want.  Can I just work here?"  More or less.

Needless to say, I ended the day eating a half bag of sweet potato chips, two bowls of Fiber One Cereal (and yes, I feel it), most of the pan of rice crispy treats, and homemade buttery popcorn.  Don't judge me.  Besides the first two items were healthy so they don't count. 

I am just so disappointed that the job I moved here to do has not come forward yet.  More so, I am disappointed that I can't just call up Bonnie Hunt and say, "Look, I've been interviewing all day for jobs I don't want. Can I just work here?"  In fact, that is the subject of most of my Tweets lately.  Next comes the Restraining Order.  C'Est la vie. 

INSTANT...REPLAY...

Well I have been staring at the screen for about two hours...unsure of where to begin...what I want the tone of my blog to be. 

Sometimes the best way to start...is to start.  So here I go.

I am back in LA after four years in Arkansas.  Back to get it right this time.  I'm 70 lbs lighter, red headed, and mean business. 

Let's start at the very beginning, it's a very good place to start.

I moved away from LA four years ago to save money to move to NYC.  Whilst visiting NY for Christmas I had this overwhelming sense that I was not meant to live there yet.  If I fell on hard times no one would care.  I knew I wouldn't make it with Jesus and the city being my only friends. 

From the time I decided to move back to LA it was evident this was God's choice.  Wanna know how?  I'm gonna tell ya. 

First, was the roommate situation.  I worked at The Kitchen Store in Conway, Arkansas with a vibrant girl named Kylie.  She is full of light and Christ and I enjoy being around her.  She was looking to move to Texas and I thought if she is willing to move, why not move to LA?  Fast forward a month, she called to tell me she wanted to move with me! 

Then, comes the apartment.  About two months before the move I started looking into how much rent we were looking to pay for how many rooms.  The very day I began my apartment search, I was checking Facebook before bed and before my very eyes was a status from a lady I have never actually met.  A family that lives in Culver City that was moving to Nepal for 3 years and needed to rent out their condo.  I contacted her immediately, by the next night, we had an apartment.

Now...a job.  Oh yeah, a job.  Still working on that one.  I have applied for probably 100 jobs, been contacted by two Recruiters, have two interviews, one phone interview, and a partridge in a pear tree.  Ideally, I would love an Industry Job, but seeing as how I moved out here to make contacts, I may just have to wait to make those contacts to get one of those jobs.  I am trying to remind myself to have faith.  God actually had to teach me a little lesson about faith before I left. 

Ready for another story....Well here ya go.

This summer I have struggled with my diet, exercise, and the slipped disc in my back.  Come to find out, all due to stress.  Once upon a time, I was under the impression I didn't get stressed; I was immune to it.  Come to find out....I was eating my stress.  THAT'S WHY I WAS FAT!  Who knew!?  Anyway, my back has been out since mid July so I was making my frequent trip to the cute young Chiropractor when the very awkward but adorable assistant was trying to make small talk whilst performing the ultrasound on my back.

"I have a story for you, if you want to hear it?  It's a testimony actually."  Who could say no?  "Well, we get paid on the 15th but my gym takes my monthly bill out on the 13th.  I usually cash my check so I was charged with about $70 in fees.  So, I prayed all weekend if I should go to the bank and pay my fees, because that is not just money I have lying around.  On Monday I decided it was the right thing to do.  When I told the bank teller I was there to pay my fees she said, 'You don't have any fees.  You are not over drawn.'  So, I called my Mother who has been known to put money in my account and she said she is strapped for cash and didn't have any money to give at the moment.  My Mom is a new Christian and said, 'You know where the money came from? God.'  I was blown away.  I had over $70 in fees.  You are told to have faith.  You try to have faith and when you trust Him and He comes through; it's amazing."

I lie there on the table trying not to cry.  "Okay, God.  I hear ya." 

This summer, I traveled a good bit of the Northwest, taught a lesson from the Big Man upstairs, dyed my hair red, and moved to LA. (In no order of importance, of course.)