Well, crap.....What they say is true.

It's all about perspective, isn't it? 

Attitude is everything.....and all that other bull you read on the motivational posters in the Guidance Counselor's Office. 

Last week I was ready to give up on everything I've ever dreamed.  After 3 months in LA, I was ready to pack up my things and leave my hopes and dreams here in California like millions of others before me.  As you know I am not happy in my current job, nor would I probably be happy at any job that is not contributing to my Industry goals, but I digress.   I was miserable going into work day after day.  I almost put in my notice, but one morning when I just couldn't take it anymore I received a forward from my friend Jan, and of course I was more than willing to read it because of the subject line.....

Dr. Jim Denison, President Dec 07, 2012

Tim Tebow's act 'better than any touchdown' event making headlines? Here's the story: Matthew survived a car crash last Saturday involving a drunk driver, but his girlfriend and friend were killed. Friends created the Twitter hashtag #TebowCallMatt, hoping to get the quarterback's attention. Their campaign worked: Tebow learned about Matthew's tragedy and called him. Tebow said later, "You think of what have I done to deserve an opportunity to encourage a kid like that. It's worth everything and it's awesome. It's better than any touchdown I'll ever score." Continuing our theme: People magazine is profiling "individuals whose extraordinary bravery and kindness stood out this year." Among them: Michael McDonnell and Dylan Smith, who rescued six people during Superstorm Sandy; J.D. and James Bennett, who pulled two toddlers from a burning van in California; Madison Wallraf, who saved 22 horses in a burning barn; and N.Y.P.D. Officer Larry DePrimo, whose gift of shoes to a homeless man made international headlines. Here's another inspirational sports story making headlines. Jared Stevens is on the Sunset Middle School wrestling team in Nashville, Tennessee. He also has cerebral palsy. He cheers for the team during practices and matches, but has long wanted to wrestle. When Sunset was competing against Freedom Middle School a few days ago, his coach asked Freedom's coach which wrestler on his team "has the kindest heart." He was introduced to seventh-grader Justin Kievit. As the video shows, Jared's coach placed him on the gym floor. Justin shook his hand, then lay down beside him, put Jared's arm over his body and was pinned, giving Jared the victory. Good Morning America told their story yesterday morning; the video has gone viral. As Jared's father said, "The two adjectives that come out of this whole episode are courage and character, on both of these guys' parts." Justin said, "Sometimes winning isn't the right thing, isn't the most important thing." The news anchor who reported the story said, "It makes you feel better about the world." It does, indeed. In a society worried this morning about the economy, riots in Egypt, chemical weapons in Syria and climate change, these stories prove that a simple act of compassion impacts more people than we can imagine. It doesn't take much salt or light to make a big difference (Matthew 5:13-16). So be encouraged: your next act of kindness can change the world. The darker the room, the brighter the candle.

After reading this email, my whole perspective on life changed.  Although I am not happy in this job, I am here for a reason.  It won't last forever and in the mean time I can be a light in the darkness.  On the same very day, my Jewish boss asked me about Jesus. 

Also, this week, with my new perspective and attitude, my boss has been trying to get me to stay forever.  He has been discouraging me from not only finding an Industry job but from going anywhere when my lease is up in September.  He has brought me into Staff meetings to discuss matters of the job, tried to take me to lunch, and had me watch clips of Despicable Me on Youtube.  Such a difference from threatening me several weeks ago.  Ain't life crazy?

Another positive experience this week was getting to speak with a client at my current job.  He is in the beginning of a producing career himself, and asked for my resume.  Of course, I emailed him with it immediately and haven't heard back since, it's LA.  Land of flakes.  We shall see.

Although I am still considering moving to New York in the fall and going to Pastry Chef School, I am beginning to embrace my life here.  Attempting to make an attempt (yes, that was intentional) to be more sociable. 

Maybe I am on a Christmas high.  Maybe it's all the excitement of going home soon, but life is looking up.  I'll check back in January when I still don't have an Industry job and I am off sugar. 

What are mountains to men and babies?

"I confess...I never think of time and quiet children with any abhorrence." ~Sense and Sensibility

Up until now I have been very undecided on whether or not I wanted kids.  I mean, I like kids, but I also like handing them back to their parents.  I was watching the nursery at church the other day and I had an epiphany....I want my own kids.  It helped that I was in a room full of very pleasant and easy going baby girls, but I decided I do indeed want kids.  Of course this comes days after my 29th Birthday still having never even had a date.  I may just be setting myself up for disappointment. 

And of course it doesn't help that I just watched this episode of New Girl which said as soon as a woman turns 30 she loses about 90% of her eggs.  I am not saying that all of life's problems can be solved by New Girl because they can't.  They have yet to solve problems on this show....just create problems we can relate to.......

But I do know things are happening.  The loneliness of Los Angeles is taking over...Tonight, as I was sitting at home by myself (as usual) very much to my embarrassment and shame, I typed "dating" into my search engine.  I then shook my head...almost slapped my own face much like Kate Winslet in The Holiday after she tries to asphyxiate herself with gas.  For the first time in my life I think I am ready to date (late bloomer), but of course that doesn't mean it is going to happen just because I want it to.

Another clip from the same episode of New Girl.  This is why I need male roommates.  Kidding

Kind of.

I became side-tracked a little bit because I just wanted to share the hilariousness that is New Girl but back to my beautifully tragic life.

When did this happen?  When did I become the girl that wants to get married and have kids?  It's been my biggest fear in life.  Let me clarify, I do not have baby fever....I am not going to become Monica Gellar in Friends and start searching for a sperm donor, and I am NOT going to go searching on the Internet for my future husband.

I still want the husband and kids that I am supposed to have at the time it is supposed to be so and not a moment sooner.

"There was a scarcity of men in general, and a still greater scarcity of any that were good for much." ~Jane Austen

Life really IS a box of chocolates!

You really NEVER know what you are going to get...Life lessons from Forrest Gump.

What if the thing that I've dreamed of all my life is not what I am meant to do?  What if my love of movies is just like everyone else's?  And wasn't meant to be anything more than that? 

"...if one scheme of happiness fails, human nature turns to another; if the first calculation is wrong we make a second better, we find comfort somewhere." ~Mansfield Park

Is it so ridiculous that my sense of purpose in life seems largely dependent on happiness in my career?

My roommate said if that is the case then my priorities in life are misaligned.  Why?  If we spend about 1/3 of our lives at our jobs, why can't our purpose in life be wrapped up in our career?  When that is where we impact people the most?  If we are not married and have kids, then our jobs are where we are most relevant.

My dreams have always been related to my career.  I have never been one to have dreams of getting married and having kids.  That just isn't Number 1 priority.  Aside from dreaming about being in the Industry; I dream about traveling....which I fantasized would come from my job. 

I would love to know everyone's individual dreams and where your sense of purpose comes from.  Is mine so wrong?  If so, where do I get my sense of purpose?  (Feel free to comment)

Lately, I have been considering going to school to become a Pastry Chef, although that career would be detrimental to my weight loss goals.  I am about to sound a lot like Julia Child in Julie and Julia.....perhaps I should try baking.....I like baking. Does everyone live with disappointments in their lives?  The loss of dreams that never came true?  Do most live everyday in their back-up plans?  I am trying to decide if I can live everyday with the disappointment of failed dreams. 

Deep.

What can I say? I can't think of a clever title.

"What wild imaginations one forms where dear self is concerned!  How sure to be mistaken." ~Persuasion

Is the most exciting thing that will ever happen in my life the moment I had this morning?  It is very possible that my backside sat in the same chair as Sandra Bullock, Zac Efron, or dare I say it.....Julie Andrews.  Don't get me wrong, some people would kill for the opportunity to sit their Target pants where Sandra's designer jeans have been, but I don't just want a story out of my time here in LA.  I don't want to go back home in a few years with nothing but a few stories of run ins with c-list celebs and a good friend that starred on a semi popular reality show.

I want more out of life than sitting in front of the TV night after night.  If that means I have to work 70 hours a week, I will.  If my social life is never going to happen then I will more than happily become a workaholic, if given the chance. 

I fear a life that looks similar to Susan Boyle's. 

I'm putting it out there into the cosmic void that my life will be full of interviews/meetings with major Hollywood Casting Directors, of sitting in the butt prints of Julie Andrews, and 11 PM filming emergency phone calls.  From my blog to God's planner.

Mr. Knightly, can I borrow your number? I seem to have lost mine.

"If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more." ~Mr. Knightly

Posting my ode to Emma was apparently a little premature...There is so much more to write. 

As I finished watching the aforementioned adaption of Emma, very much caught up in the moment, maybe even pretending Mr. Knightly was professing his love for me, I was struck with overwhelming emotion.  (Although, I might mention that currently I am overwhelmed with emotion frequently.)  What powerful feelings are in "I love you".  

Imagine, if you will, a beautiful man, someone you could spend the rest of your life with, telling you he loves you for the first time.  The multitude of emotions that must wash through a person like a broken levy.  First, I imagined relief, that the person for which you have been waiting is standing right there in front of you.  No more searching, or for those of you like me that refuse to go on a man hunt; no more wondering.  He is here.  He has arrived. 

The barrier that breaks down once he is yours.  Before there was this invisible wall preventing your touch or your feelings to break through.  A minute ago he wasn't yours, then suddenly he is! 

What I don't understand is why people don't wait for this.  Why do people settle?  It is a notion I will never comprehend.  I have said it before, and I will say it again...I'd rather be single for the rest of my life than settle for a man that I am not incandescently head over heels in love with, and that love returned.  I will accept nothing less than butterflies.

I imagine a paramour that plays a multitude of roles in my life, much like Mr. Knightly to Emma: best friend, lover, big brother, disciplinarian (yes, to an extent, he only wanted her to be the best possible version of herself, and called her out when she wasn't acting like the woman he knew she could be).  That is a love that could stand the test of time.  It is when relationships don't have all these elements, that they do not work out, I think. 

I've been told I have very high expectations.  Are these expectations or standards?  Regardless, I have a little something called faith. 

"Listen, when I was a little girl I used to spend hours looking for ladybugs. Finally, I'd just give up and fall asleep in the grass. When I woke up, they were crawling all over me" ~Katherine from Under the Tuscan Sun

One day I will wake up with "Ladybugs, Katherine, lots and lots of Ladybugs."

A Hair Cut can indeed be imperative business.

"I do so wonder, Miss Woodhouse, that you should not be married, or going to be married! so charming as you are!"
Emma laughed, and replied,

"My being charming, Harriet, is not quite enough to induce me to marry; I must find other people charming -- one other person at least. And I am not only, not going to be married, at present, but have very little intention of ever marrying at all."

"Ah! so you say; but I cannot believe it."

"I must see somebody very superior to any one I have seen yet, to be tempted; Mr. Elton, you know, (recollecting herself,) is out of the question: and I do not wish to see any such person. I would rather not be tempted. I cannot really change for the better. If I were to marry, I must expect to repent it."

"Dear me! it is so odd to hear a woman talk so!"

"I have none of the usual inducements of women to marry. Were I to fall in love, indeed, it would be a different thing! but I never have been in love; it is not my way, or my nature; and I do not think I ever shall. And, without love, I am sure I should be a fool to change such a situation as mine. Fortune I do not want; employment I do not want; consequence I do not want: I believe few married women are half as much mistress of their husband's house, as I am of Hartfield; and never, never could I expect to be so truly beloved and important; so always first and always right in any man's eyes as I am in my father's."

I've always claimed Persuasion and Mansfield Park to be my favorite of Jane's novels, but as I sit here this morning watching Masterpiece Theater's Version of Emma, it is rapidly becoming my favorite.  Although, Emma is most ridiculous of Jane's heroines and the least favorite of many people I have interviewed, however I have read that Emma is actually Jane's favorite characters. 

What amazes me about this story is the likeness of all the characters to people I encounter daily.  Who doesn't have a sweet but simple minded friend like Harriet Smith hung up on the wrong guy?  And who else knows a ridiculous old lady like Miss. Bates that we all try to avoid at church gatherings?  I realize that I relate to Emma a little more than I would like to admit, but she is probably the most realistic and flawed of Jane's leading ladies.  So many times she says the wrong things, she is selfish, but she has a lovable innocence about her.  Also, I love her views in marriage, which makes it all the more interesting when she does find love. 

I always related to Anne Elliott's floundering nature and Fanny Prices pangs of unrequited love.  It never occurred to me that I might be more like Emma than I ever realized. 

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1366312/

Nobody here but us serventless American cooks

This is most likely one of those posts that I don't have anything specific on my mind, just a plethora of subjects.  So, your guess is as good as mine where this is going to end up.  Enjoy the ride.

I haven't eaten well this week which is due to hormones, I believe.  Sorry if that is TMI but this is my "great void" to send my thoughts out to.  I have been extra emotional because my job is troublesome, and as I've said I usually try being pretty optimistic, but it appears my optimism took some unpaid sick leave.  The hormones made the work turmoil ten times worse, which then corrupted my eating habits, which ultimately made me feel miserable, and perpetuated the cycle. 

Speaking of food, did you know that sugar not only makes you break out and shuts down your immune system, but it also stop white blood cells\ growth which causes you to age faster?  Not only does it make you fat, and acneic, but it makes you old?  And it is my junk food of choice!  WHY ME!?  Last night as I lay in bed, regretting everything I put in my body, I made the decision to go sugar free for a year.....starting in January, of course.  I truly believe I can do a year.  It's a year.  I may even gain a year of my life back.  I choose to look at it that way.  Anyway, I am mentally preparing myself, much like preparing to run a marathon.  Also, I can begin praying to prepare, because I am definitely going to need some strength from somewhere else. 

Speaking of marathon.  I think I will do that too.  What have I become?

Back to the job.  So, I am looking for a new one because according to my boss, this one is not working out.  I almost teared up in front of him while explaining that it is a shame that they haven't gotten to see my true work ethic.  I like to work hard, and there is no room for hard work at this job.  I like to think that I am not a delusional being.  I know when I am at fault and I don't believe I have a victim mentality.  I flourish in jobs when I have a project...something to complete.  That is where I get my sense of accomplishment, which makes for a job well done, but with 3 people in a cubicle made for 2, I just don't have room to show them how hard I can work.  It's very frustrating.  So, this job and I almost amicably parted ways this week, but they decided they needed help with paperwork.  So paper cuts here I come.

Also, in this week from Satan's planner, I have decided that since I rarely do anything in the evenings except watch TV and repin everything on Pinterest, I might as well start working in the evenings, and get some sort of Entertainment Industry Internship to start making connections.  By God, if they won't give me a job in exchange for money, I am going to start offering my services "FO FREE" to break in.  (And by services, I mean filing and making calls, not my body, just to make that clear)  Wish me luck.  Or pray, rather, I don't believe in luck.

Lastly, Tim Tebow now has a girlfriend.

Rough week all around. 

Robert Martin had cojones

"Do not consider me now as an elegant female intending to plague you, but as a rational creature speaking the truth from her heart.”  ~Pride and Prejudice

Am I alone in that dream in which an adorable specimen of a man spots you from across the room, walks towards you, introduces himself, and you live happily ever after?  You don't hear of it actually happening often, and of course when you do it is at said couples Wedding or Anniversary because the men that have the balls to do such a thing have already done it.  They fall in the "good ones have all been taken" category, I suppose. 

So here we are ladies.  Stuck out here with the lazy ones.  Or the cocky ones, that think they are the ones to be spotted from across the room.  When did this become the norm?  The girls do the hunting.  I blame Gidget's friends.  The hoochie mamas that made her go on a man hunt.  They started the movement.  Bitches.

I was just discussing with my friend that I suppose if I ever want life to start being different than it has always been I will have to take myself out of my comfort-zone.  I don't necessarily mean dating either.  Just a different life.  I am not one to go to an unknown place without a companion by my side.  Someone who shares in my awkwardness.  Someone I can hide behind when the situation warrants shelter.  Perhaps it's time to be independent.  I don't like it, but I guess it's time.

I have never been very aggressive in my pursuit for the things I want. Yeah, Yeah, moving to LA is very courageous. I've heard it before, but it does not mean I am a courageous person. I lack the aggression to take what I want. I am a dreamer, not a doer. So, last week I took a chance, and answered an ad on craigslist. Ah, Scary. You know when you are applying for a job or in this case answering an ad and you know it's going to work out. You know when you just know; is basically what I am saying? I answered this ad for production company looking for people that have never been able to accomplish their dreams and would like the help of a life coach. Much like the roommate in Bridesmaids, when offered a free tattoo from the guy in a van, I said, "Sure." They are interviewing people to put on a possible web series. The producer called me today to interview and to set up an interview with a life coach. It JUST GOT INTERESTING! So, who knows what this person is going to try to pull out of the old noodle to help me accomplish my dreams. I'll keep ya posted, but you knew that already, didn't you?

Thank you for reading my ramblings.  You know what Jane says, "Those who do not complain are never pittied."

Rubs and Disappointments

“There will be little rubs and disappointments everywhere, and we are all apt to expect too much; but then, if one scheme of happiness fails, human nature turns to another; if the first calculation is wrong, we make a second better: we find comfort somewhere . . .” ~Jane Austen

 

In this vast and populated city of Los Angeles, one can easily get  lost in the sea of cars and people.  In a place you would think would be busier and more exciting than a tiny (in comparison) town in Arkansas, I couldn't feel more alone.  As I sit here in the dark, with cancelled plans, and Josh Garrels playing, I am thankful I have this great void that is the Internet to let my thoughts rest. 

 

Is this what every one's life is like?  Or am I destined to be a hermit?  How does one grow out of their hermit tendencies? 

 

Granted I have only been here for almost two months.  How many friends can one make in two months?  Don't answer that.  That was a rhetorical question.  I am sure more than I am pretending to be natural. 

 

I truly believe we never really know ourselves until we move away from our comfort zone.  Once you are taken out of that sense of complacency you discover how courageous or how destitute you really are.  You find out where you turn when times get lonely.  And you find out who you can turn to when times get lonely.  It's not just a personal test.  It's a test of loyalty. 

 

I often wonder if Jane Austen preferred her written characters to real characters? If she would rather stay in all day writing not only because she enjoyed writing but she enjoyed creating her own storyline and outcome? Where good can come to those who deserve it and the wicked get what is owed them? It doesn't always work like that in real life. Undeserving girls marry great men, and the rich man isn't good. Did she write so she could feel like she was accomplishing the life she felt she was meant to lead? Feeling lonely that day? Write a love story. Angry that you are poor? Write a love story with a rich man.  There would be no disappointments, and if there were, they would be quickly rectified with her pen. 

 

Tonight, I am grateful for Jane Austen, Josh Garrels, and Jesus.

 

Would you like some cheese with that wine?

I'm having one of those...WHY THE HELL AM I HERE?....days.  I came home from a job I hate, (where I only earn enough money to pay my bills, while people from Sony Studios walk back and forth past the spa taunting me) to find a traffic violation.  Just one of the many joys of living in LA.  I wouldn't have had this issue if I moved to New York, but no, it wasn't time for me to move there.  It's one of those, "Why, God?", days.  You know? 

I know I have said it before, and I am saying it again....I am ready for my life to start!  As you may know, I was having a very tough time about two weeks ago, and I posted on Facebook that I wanted to just sleep and be awakened when a good movie comes out.  That's kind of how I feel my life has been playing out thus far, as if I am in the audience of everyone else's movie.

"You're suppose to be the leading lady in your own life, for God's sake!" ~The Holiday

I get to laugh, cry, feel the effects of friendship, but I don't get to participate. I just have to be happy for everyone else. Unless my own personal movie is one of those sad quiet movies that is more so a glimpse into someone's mundane life, and less like a RomCom.  I guess I should be thankful it isn't a Horror Film.  YET.  BUM BUM BUM! AHHHHH!

How does one crawl into the screen and start living?  Sort of opposite of the creepy girl in The Grudge? 

But, hey....on a happier note, I didn't reach for the ice cream when I discovered the ticket which was my first instinct; I had some decaf coffee instead.....then I blogged about it!

And on an even happier note, the state of California thinks I am 25, so that is what I am going with too.

If anyone asks.

So much on TV, so little time

I'm applying for new jobs everyday, and .......nothing.  God seems to want me to stay at this miserable job, but why?  I don't know the reason yet, and I probably won't until it's long behind me.  Until then, I am taking my sister's advice which is to take my feelings out of the situation.  I just go to work to pay my bills, then go home.

However, tonight when I came home from work around 7 pm I thought, "Is this what life is about?  Is this what we are suppose to be doing with our time?"  Now it's 11 pm, and I need to go to bed so I can get back up in the morning to get ready for work.....again.  Vicious cycle.  I go to work, but I am not present, then I come home, watch TV, and go to bed.  Is there something else we are suppose to be doing?  I feel like we have all lost our sense of purpose. 

If we have to work why can't we all just enjoy our jobs?  I know why life can't be simple, but why can't it just be a little simpler than it is.  I know I'm not meant to know the answer to these questions.  And, that is fine.  I found this pin on Pinterest that helps in times like these.....

 

I'm quite obsessed with Josh Garrels' music right now so let me conclude with this... 

 

 

Farther along we'll know all about it
Farther along we'll understand why
So, cheer up my brothers, live in the sunshine
We'll understand this, all by and by

Tempted and tried, I wondered why
The good man died, the bad man thrives
And Jesus cries because he loves 'em both
We're all cast-aways in need of rope
Hangin' on by the last threads of our hope
In a house of mirrors full of smoke
Confusing illusions I've seen

Where did I go wrong, I sang along
To every chorus of the song
That the devil wrote like a piper at the gates
Leading mice and men down to their fates
But some will courageously escape
The seductive voice with a heart of faith
While walkin' that line back home

So much more to life than we've been told
It's full of beauty that will unfold
And shine like you struck gold my wayward son
That deadweight burden weighs a ton
Go down into the river and let it run
Wash away all the things you've done
Forgiveness alright

Farther along we'll know all about it
Farther along we'll understand why
So, cheer up my brothers, live in the sunshine
We'll understand this, all by and by

Still I get hard pressed on every side
Between the rock and a compromise
Like the truth and pack of lies fightin' for my soul
And I've got no place left go
'Cause I got changed by what I've been shown
More glory than the world has known
Keeps me ramblin' on

Skipping like a calf loosed from its stall
I'm free to love once and for all
And even when I fall I'll get back up
For the joy that overflows my cup
Heaven filled me with more than enough
Broke down my levees and my bluffs
Let the flood wash me

And one day when the sky rolls back on us
Some rejoice and the others fuss
'Cause every knee must bow and tongue confess
That the Son of God is forever blessed
His is the kingdom, we're the guests
So put your voice up to the test
Sing Lord, come soon

Farther along we'll know all about it
Farther along we'll understand why
So, cheer up my brothers, live in the sunshine
We'll understand this, all by and by

A little less talk, a little more action

Perhaps with healthy eating comes clarity. 

I'm on day four of my health reboot, and I see more distinctly.  I can see the bigger picture now.  As opposed to seeing my hardships which then I turned around, and fed with junk food.  It was a vicious cycle. 

I have had a sour approach to my life since I moved, and let me preempt this upcoming message by saying I naturally have a "glass half empty" mentality.  It's a daily struggle.  Doesn't mean it won't flare up again at some point.  Forgive me, but I am human. 

That is a beautiful segue to the epiphany that God handed me today.  We are all human.  We sin.  Jesus was the only human that ever accomplished a sin free life, even he was tempted.  He is what we are all striving to be.  It's all we can do to be Christ-like.  Try.  I have many non-Christian friends, and I struggle with thoughts of being a terrible example of what a Christian should be.  But aren't we all terrible examples?  Much like my addiction to junk food in constant battle with my desire to be healthy, our human nature is fighting to break free.  As Christians, it is all we can do to not let our human instincts flare up.  We surround ourselves with other believers.  We feed ourselves with the word of the only perfect one.  We try. 

So, all I can say to my non-Christian friends is....LOOK AWAY!  LOOK AWAY!

(Yes, I quoted Bridesmaids.  Like I said...human.)

This message stemmed from the sermon I've been listening to on the Sermon on the Mount.  I am going to add the link so maybe you can listen too on your next road trip or grocery store visit.  He speaks this idea much more eloquently than I ever could.

As Jane Austen once said...."I cannot speak well enough to be unintelligible." 

http://realityla.com/category/teachings/  (Start with The New Society: Living the Dream.)

There is so much more in his message than this but this was on my heart today, so I just had to share with the dear void.

"So, Goodnight, dear void."

Oh wait, one more thing.....my second week in LA I went to hear a guy play at Hotel Cafe in Hollywood.  You know that moment you hear a song or an artist and you stop and recognize, "My life is never going to be the same."?  It happened that night.  In the middle of Hotel Cafe in downtown Hollywood people were praising Jesus, and we ended the night with singing the hymn "I'll Fly Away."

................................................................................That was me. speechless.

I will leave you with this song that pretty much sums up the theme of this post.

In the eye of the beholder

“To look almost pretty is an acquisition of higher delight to a girl who has been looking plain for the first fifteen years of her life than a beauty from her cradle can ever receive.” ~Northanger Abbey

So, I I'm at peace with being single, for now, if it flares up again I am sure you will get to read all about it.  Onto the next phase of my life....getting the rest of this weight off. A dieting blog, if you will.  So, let's start at the very beginning; it's a very good place to start.  (Next to Jane Austen my favorite person is Julie Andrews, but no this blog will not suddenly change themes.)

I've been fat all my life...I remember in 2nd grade someone begged for me to tell them how much I weighed.  That was the first time I realized, "Oh.  I don't look normal."  From then on there were random names and several instances to remind me I was fat.  I was a fatty.  Thanks for the reminder universe.  I almost forgot. (sarcasm, btw)

All my life, "I am starting a new diet Monday.  I am trying something new this week."  I know my friends rolled their eyes.  One diet worked when I was about 15...The Mayo Clinic Diet.  As unhealthy as it was, I lost 20lbs in one month, but who can stand to eat drink grapefruit juice three times a day, and eat a diet that consisted of mostly: eggs, bacon, and hamburger patties.  I kept it off for about a year, then we moved yet again, and back up it went.  If you haven't guessed by now....I am an emotional eater.  Pretty sure I have written about it before.  I never thought I was a stressed out person until I changed my eating habits, then I discovered I was numbing my stress with food. 

About two years ago I was thinking back on the Mayo Clinic Diet.  Although, that diet was very high in fat, it has some good points.  So, I cultivated a diet based on Mayo Clinic.  Something I knew I could stick to.  I was planning to do it a month, but it was so easy.  I lost 13 lbs in the first month, and I continued to do it until the first 50lbs fell off.  I didn't really exercise the first 6 months because I wanted to make sure I really had it together.  Over the summer after the first year I struggled.  I'd gain some, I'd lose some.  I gained about 6 lbs in about 2 months, so I hit it hard again and lost 20 more before Thanksgiving.  Then I took a long break.  Uh oh.  After Christmas I weighed.  Gained the 20 back.  Yeah, I can do that.  You don't understand.  I have no stopping point.  I will eat til I am almost throwing up.  There is never a happy medium with me.  Not when I am off my diet. 

So, here we go again.  Sometime after Christmas, I got back on it.  Lost more weight, but never quite got back down to where I was before Thanksgiving.  Also, I was working out the entire year, except those two months when I gained that 20lbs. 

And, here I am now.  Last time I weighed was May.  I was about 5 lbs away from my smallest weight.  However, then I went to Alaska in June and never quite got back on my diet hard core.  Now I am living in the emotional roller coaster that is Los Angeles, and my diet attention span last about 3 days at the most.  I've lost that motivation and discipline I had in the beginning. 

I was telling my roommate tonight (shout out to Kylie!) that motivation was easy in the first year because the weight came off so easily.  I'd get on the scale in the morning, and I would have lost a pound which kept me motivated for that day because I wanted the same result the following.

Now I have stopped exercising, and I have no idea how much weight I have gained because I no longer have a scale. 

When I was my smallest, I had 18 lbs left to lose to reach my goal weight.  EIGHTEEN POUNDS!  That is nothing.  Now it's more like 40!  Dang me!  Just dang me!  Holla if ya feel me!

Here is why I am going on with this mundane information.  I need to find my mojo,my diet mojo!  Perhaps blogging about it will grant me the encouragement I need.  So here I am......come back to me mojo.  Come back.

I am going to start all over again tomorrow.  Well, today.  It's 1:00 am.  So, today is a new day.  I will probably not start working out hard core again until I get this food conundrum figured out.  Yoga and Pilates for me it is!  Wish me luck. 

Quick Succession

This is the last of my unpublished entries.  I wrote this one just the other day.  My entries may become fewer and farer between.

“It could have all turned out differently, I suppose.  But it didn’t.”  ~Mansfield Park

What if Jane had married one of her rumored admirers?  What if she had children and became too busy to pen her thoughts?  Would she have been happy?  Would she always feel that there was a missing piece in her life?  A Novel shaped hole in her heart? 

That is a semblance of how I have felt all my life.  I love the question now that I have moved…”What brings you to California?”  “Trying to find a life; my place in this world.”  Not many people know what to do with that information, by the way.

I felt I have always known who I am.  I don’t believe I have many delusions about who I am as a person, but I do feel I am wandering around trying to find my purpose.  I know what I want to do, but it seems a difficult task, that I wonder if I will ever achieve.   If my passion is not the intention for my life; why am I here?  And I don’t mean in LA; I mean, in this world? 

As a Christian, I understand my purpose in life is to be a light for God, to walk with Him daily, and to be an example.  But what do I do in the meantime?  What do I do with my life?  What is my purpose?  When does my life begin?  I have been waiting thus far for my life to start. 

Losing my weight didn’t do it and moving to LA hasn’t done it.  I hope my subconscious isn’t thinking a man will do it because it doesn’t look like that is going to happen.  I like to think I know better. 

I do know I have felt I was going in the right direction when I was working towards something.  As if, the sense of accomplishment is what life is about.  What happens once you’ve accomplished that goal?  Move on to the next?  Is that what we strive for in our everyday lives?   Is that the definition of a Servant’s Heart?  Is that what He meant?  Is that what we are supposed to do with our time here?

You know my sister told me that she has come to the realization that we are never going to be satisfied here on the earth, because this is not where we are supposed to be.  We will always be looking for a sense of fulfillment while we are physically alive.  Is that my answer?  If it can be confirmed, I will try to wrap my mind around it; I just need the validation.

You know where I’ll be while I wait.

“The two most important days in your life are the day you were born, and the day you find out why.” ~Mark Twain

 

Where did I put that checklist?

“Oh, you have standards, pet. I hope they help you on with your coat when you're 70.” ~Lost in Austen

My Mother told me the other day to lower my expectations, that I will not marry Tim Tebow.  Trying to cheer me up; it backfired.  This was a sensitive subject at the moment.  Why must I lower my standards when Tim Tebow does exist?  Although, the actual Tim Tebow (or Big Business, as I like to call him) would be nice, I am under no delusion that I am going to marry Big Business himself…probably.  The idea of him rather, is what interests me; the idea that there are actual men out there.  And by men, I mean MEN; Godly, big, strong, manly men.   

They seem to be few and far between but Big Business proves that nice guys DO exist!  So, what is so wrong with having high standards?  Isn't lowering your standards a lack of faith?  I think I would rather stay single than settle.

I am not turning down the chance to ever be married and have kids.  If the opportunity presents itself and Opportunity is devilishly handsome, I would be more than willing to accept.  In the case that he can’t find me because I am much too busy living my own life, it will be OK.  I have me.  

I am a lone reed

I have been a selfish being all my life, in practice, though not in principle." ~Jane Austen

There comes a time in a girl’s life when she has to make a decision which path her life will take.  Once again, I have come to that proverbial fork in the road.  Much like Jane’s decision to live by her pen, I too have decided to disregard the rule; the rule that we are to get married and have kids.  That “rule” has not changed.  Not in over 200 years.  Again, I find myself in a two-seater boat with Jane sitting next to me.  I like to think that these two independent women have so much in common that we stay in that boat all day talking over all kinds of fascinating topics.  We are best friends that missed each other by a couple of centuries. 

Since, I never had the chance to meet my bestie, Jane; I have decided I am in a One Woman Wolf pack.  I will no longer be lonely, because I always have myself.  Great if someone wants to join me every now and then; but I will no longer be disappointed in anyone but myself.  I cannot control anyone but myself.  It is much too exhausting waiting on others, and I am not a patient person to begin.  I rebuke the lonely thoughts of “What is wrong with me?  Why doesn’t anyone want to be around me?”  Those thoughts no longer exist in me because they will never be answered, and I am wasting precious me time dwelling on something I cannot control.  But I can control me.  I can control my habits.  I can control my time.  I can control my pen.

I am aware that most of these posts come from a place of selfishness, and I am working on that.  Becoming unselfish is not a lesson easily learned.  There are no guidelines for this sort of thing. 

I am also aware that most of these problems and issues I've dealt with over the past four years would be cured with a little less self-absorption.  I get it; the problem is not lost on me.  I also wonder if dwelling too long on becoming unselfish defeats the purpose, no?

"Selfishness must always be forgiven, you know, because there is no hope for a cure." ~Mansfield Park

This subject deserves three quotes.....

"Nothing is more deceitful than the appearance of humility. It is often only carelessness of opinion, and sometimes an indirect boast." ~Jane Austen

A Tale of Two Sisters

May I take this moment to digress from my Jane Austen ongoing theme and bring up a topic inspired by the incomparable Grey’s Anatomy?  I have noticed in my life that we come in pairs.  We spend our entire lives looking for our other half; our match.  Lately, I have wondered if I will ever be a part of a duo, not necessarily a romantic companion; anyone that shares your thoughts.  That has your back, if you will. 

In Grey’s Anatomy, Christina had been acting strangely because she thinks her husband is cheating on her.  Meredith pulls her into the supply closet and asks, “What’s the plan?  Your plan?  Which makes it our plan?”  When I watched this episode, I was overwhelmed with the sense of loneliness.  I want someone to be the Meredith to my Christina; to be my person.

Every time I think I found that person, I lose them.  Lose them to another friend, better friend, more tolerable friend, or I lose them to a boyfriend or spouse.  I get it, most people get married, and friendships are never the same once that happens because that guy becomes your “person”, but take care, we need to keep that person close even when in relationships.

“Friendship is certainly the finest balm for the pangs of disappointed love.” ~Jane Austen

We don’t know exactly know how Jane’s tales of woe played out, but undoubtedly her sister Cassandra was her go-to person, and most likely Jane was Cassandra’s Meredith when her fiancé died.

So the question is: why can’t this sister keep a friend?  Am I just one of those ridiculous people that don’t realize it?  Am I incapable? 

Et tu, Edmund?

But let me observe that all histories are against you--all stories, prose and verse. If I had such a memory as Benwick, I could bring you fifty quotations in a moment on my side the argument, and I do not think I ever opened a book in my life, which had not something to say upon woman's inconstancy. Songs and proverbs, all talk of woman's fickleness. But perhaps you will say, these were all written by men." ~Persuasion

Woman’s fickleness? What about man’s weakness? I do not think I have ever watched a movie in my life, which did not have a man cheating, flirting, or being tempted by a woman with only her looks to recommend her.

I don’t have much experience with men other than what my screen tells me. What about the man that eloped with his fiancé even after she did not show up to the wedding shower his mother threw for her, then did not return anyone’s call weeks before the wedding? Now they are married? Really? After she treated you like that?

This thought was born when I watched Miss Pettigrew lives for a Day this morning, when I woke up too early. Cirian Hind’s character is supposed to be a stand up man, someone we are all supposed to hope ends up with our heroine; but I wonder if he is good enough for her? Why would he be involved with a scandalous younger girl that he suspects is only after his connections? Yet she wooed him back even after he met our Miss Pettigrew. It is not unlike what a woman would do, I suppose. Run back to a man, if he only apologizes, because I guess we all just want to feel loved and needed. But what if we wait? What if we breathe? What if we think? Let the right one come to us? Or would we all just be sitting back waiting? No one would ever search. We would miss each other.

Even Jane wrote a situation such as this. Edmund. Our beloved Edmund. Maybe my favorite of Austen's love interests. What did he see in Mary Crawford, other than her looks? Could someone as lovely as Edmund really imagine himself in love with someone like that? But you cannot argue that all these stories were all written by one sex because they were not. So both see how weak and inconsistent men can be, more so than woman, arguably.

What could he possibly see in Jane Fairfax?

“Hmm, you dismiss her beauty and good nature, yet I would be very much mistaken, if your sex in general, does not think those claims the highest a woman could possess!”

Am I the only sane girl in the world or am I the only disgusting girl?

My biggest grievance when it comes to girls and making new friends, besides her apparent love for Marilyn Monroe, is when getting to know me she asks me if I have a boyfriend. I would love to answer her by saying, “No! I have a life.” I suppose that is not the best way to start out at a new job. How is that your way of getting to know someone? She couldn’t have asked, “What’s your story? What do you want in life? What are your hopes and dreams?”

The girl of whom I speak is not one particular girl, she is the proverbial girl. She has Marilyn Monroe posters in her room and OK on her coffee table. She’s never read Jane Austen but “has watched” the Keira Knightly movie. She was in a Sorority and lets her boyfriend dictate what she wears. This girl always has a boyfriend, and I continue asking, “How?” While THIS girl never has a boyfriend and has never had a boyfriend; why?

In my Jane Austen filled head a man says something like this, “Men of sense, whatever you may say, do not want silly wives!” But perhaps you will say, these were all written by Jane!

In my real life boys say, “What does she look like?”

Who is this proverbial guy with the proverbial girl? He’s probably not even worth this whole spiel. He probably wouldn’t even interest me. He’s probably perfect for her.

Is that all there is to life? To men? Nothing more than looks and frivolity? Is there any guy out there that is looking for more? Am I going to have to settle for a divorced or widowed man? Maybe the guy with damaged goods will have learned what is more important in life.

“Maybe it is our imperfections which make us so perfect for one another.” ~Emma

To stay single or to not stay single, the latter is not really an option.

Luisa Musgrove knows what I’m talking about

This is one of my favorite lessons I learned.  I feel like my progress is finally showing.  It was all complaining for awhile, now time for growth.

“A watched pot never boils.”

Not a Jane quote obviously but as I was impatiently watching a pot of lukewarm water this saying popped into my head and I thought…Well that is not necessarily true is it? A watched pot does boil, and it takes just as long as it would have if you were not watching it.  However, if you were patient and found constructive activities to occupy your time while waiting it wouldn’t feel like any time at all.

With all that being said, I related this to men and finding “the” guy.

I have a friend who dwells on the fact that she is single, asks God daily “What is wrong with me that no one wants me?” And she has asked me on more than one occasion how I am OK with being single?

A. She hasn’t read this or she would know that I am not always OK.

B. I have always wanted to say to her that I don’t always dwell on it. I find other things to do and think about.

He’s coming. He is coming at the exact same speed and timing he was always going to come. Have faith. Live your life.

“Your life is an occasion, rise to it.”  ~Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium

Don’t sit around and watching the pot full of water. It will boil so just go write a screenplay or travel, he’ll be there when you get back!

A Fanny and Edward kind of love

This old entry is my Northanger Abbey.  I don't love this post, but it has a few good points that I wanted to share. 

“Happiness in marriage is entirely a matter of chance.”

So because I can no longer dwell on my flaws and why I can’t seem to attract anyone, I am going to have faith that it will happen and begin searching what kind of guy I want. I was watching a movie the other night…OK! It was Valentine’s Day. I am ashamed of myself. I don’t need your judgment, I judge myself enough for everyone. Anyway, Ashton Kutcher’s character asked George Lopez’s character how he and his wife worked and George say, “I married my best friend.”

Cheesy I know but it simple things that make girls like me melt. I thought, “I want to marry my best friend.”  I will need a guy best friend first but I am sure my lack of them has to do with my fear of men. Think about that. How wonderful that would be to be married to your favorite person in the world? The person you tell everything to. The person you go to when you had a bad day or a good day.  When you hear a funny joke?  Or when you need to talk about life or religion or whatever?  He’s the person that you laugh the most with and have the most fun with. And when you fight with the one you love, even though you are angry with him, you still go to him to be comforted by him because he is your best friend and knows you better than anyone.

That is what I long for. That is just the sort of thing I like. Maybe that is why no one has asked me out, not because there is something wrong with me but fate is prepping my best friend. He is not seasoned yet.

I love to laugh, and I like for people to laugh at me in their turn. I want him (the best friend that I would call to see what he is doing or to hang out when I am bored) to be my husband. Not JUST my husband but to get to hang out with my best friend every day for the rest of my life, that is what I want.

When best friends are in love it is an enjoyable relationship to watch. It is a different relationship than others have; there is always so much laughter.

“I pay very little regard...to what any young person says on the subject of marriage. If they profess a disinclination for it, I only set it down that they have not yet seen the right person.”

Always a Mary Bennet, never an Elizabeth

“It sometimes happens that a woman is handsomer at twenty-nine than she was ten years before.” ~Jane Austen

I was telling a friend of mine my Character Actress analogy and she told me something very profound. Lucille Ball was at first cast in the Leading Lady role in the beginning of her career. More dramatic, more glamorous roles, however, these movies never went over very well. They never made very much money at the box office, until someone put her in the Character Actress role, the comedic role and she flourished; her career took off. I thought that there was a very special lesson to be learned from this story. Some of us are cast in the Leading Lady roles in life and some are cast as the Character Actresses, and once we except our roles and become comfortable in them, we will truly be seen for who we are, then we become the Lead Actresses in our own stories.

I have Iris syndrome.

Arthur Abbott: He let you go. This is not a hard one to figure out. Iris, in the movies we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason you are behaving like the best friend. Iris: You're so right. You're supposed to be the leading lady of your own life, for god's sake! Arthur, I've been going to a therapist for three years, and she's never explained anything to me that well. That was brilliant. Brutal, but brilliant.

Pangs of Disappointed Love

“Human nature is so well disposed towards those who are in interesting situations, that a young person, who either marries or dies, is sure of being kindly spoken of.”

How much easier my life would be if I were asexual, so much simpler. I could go through life without wondering if I am going to remain single forever, because it would be the only option. Being single would be preferable. I could be a friend with the opposite sex without any inhibitions. When people asked why I am single I could simply answer, “Oh, I am asexual.” Not like now when I say, “I am not really sure. I’m defective, maybe. Something must be wrong with me because no one has ever asked.” And I wouldn’t have to hear, “Oh, there is nothing wrong with you.” But yet they offer no explanation why I haven’t been asked out.

“Romances don’t seem to be calling for you.”

I told my guy friend the other day that I wish someone would teach me how to make my Tail Feathers stand out because the entire world is my competition, and he told me that I have a “Big City Personality”.  He said he sees me finding someone in my natural environment.  This is something I have actually been told before by others, but I wonder…Is this something they are just telling me to make me feel better about myself because they also have no idea why I am not being asked out. However, I lived in Los Angeles, for two years and zero propositions. Where is your theory now?

In Captivating, it says that women have a core question that needs to be answered; at first we look to our parents and especially dads to answer this question and then to men: "Am I lovely?" In hindsight, I do in fact believe that is what I have always been asking, with the follow up questions: Am I worthy? Am I lovable? So far, I have not had much success in getting an answer. In Wild At Heart, it says that men ask the core question; do I have what it takes? I fear that this front I have been putting up all this time has been scaring off any prospective men. Their question would not be answered by me or with an emphatic…NO! My mouth is busy saying, “I don’t need you.”, and they fail to notice how much in fact, I do need you.

In the words of Ivy, from one of the most romantic movies ever, The Village, “Sometimes we don’t do what we want to do so others won’t know we want to do them.” Truer words have never been spoken. Whenever I have felt something for a guy, I have second-guessed every single thing I have ever said or done to him or around him. I would start to touch him; just a simple friendly, possibly flirty touch and my inhibitions would yank my hand back so that he wouldn’t know that I wanted to touch him.

But I digress, back to answering his core question. How do I learn to answer his question? Or let him know that I would love to answer his question. I want to let the proverbial him know that one day I would love to let him know he has what it takes and that I need him. I need him to answer my question, as well. Am I lovely? Am I worthy?

This is one of my favorite songs.  Speaks to the truth of my soul and my insecurities.  While I was reading Captivating, I began praying that God would reveal to me how he feels about me as a Woman.  This song was playing on my iPod as I prayed.  When I stopped praying, it's as if God turned up the volume on the song, and I knew he was singing the last chorus to me. 

Make like Fanny and be invisible

Back to my old journal postings. 


“I cannot think well of a man who sports with any woman's feelings; and there may often be a great deal more suffered than a stander-by can judge of.”

Does it hurt worse to not be seen or to not be chosen? I personally feel the former is the more evil of the two. Why? Because I have lived a life on the Invisible Girl, the Character Actress, the Sidekick, the Chunky Best Friend but never the girl he would like to date. I am not that girl. What makes a Leading Lady? Beauty, duh, but even Uglies get crossed in love a little now and then. I am the Character Actress always sitting next to the Leading Lady. The Character Actress gives the advice, gets the laughs, but she doesn’t get the guy or the love story.

I came to realization the other day that I don’t know if I am ever even thought of as a dating option; like men have ME blinders when they put their dating spectacles on. What it must be like to be one of those girls, you know the girls I am talking about: the one that comes into your lives and all the men in her presence fall in love. Are they just seeing her figure or do they see her heart? And if the latter, why is my heart so hidden or is it just ugly and undesirable?

I’ve tried to discuss this with friends, one in particular, bless her heart, she tried but she is THAT girl. She is desirable. She is seen. She is an ingénue. She didn’t get it. She assured me that I am not invisible. That everyone loves me, that the guys at work love me, but I say, “Nay!” I am invisible as a woman, not as a friend. Then she tried to offer to set me up with her guy friend that also feels invisible. Poor thing, just didn’t understand. I need to be pursued. I don’t want to be cheated out of my love story. I am not even concerned with having a boyfriend. I mean it would be nice if it happened but I have things I need to do. Places I need to go. He can’t get in the way. All I want is to be wanted. I need to know that I am seen as a woman, a dateable, loveable, and worthy woman. That is all I need right now.

So let’s just play What If? What if I tell the guy I like that I in fact have feelings for him? Whatever his reaction is I feel that I will be cheated and hurt. What if he confesses his feelings for me in return? Oh what joy, however, he would have cheated me out of the love story that I feel I rightfully deserve as a True Romantic, as a Jane Austen fan.  On the other hand, what if he says, “Thanks, but No Thanks.” Which let’s be honest, that is the reaction I expect. This guy in particular would be a class act about the whole situation: would turn me down gently, apologize for not returning my feelings, but let me know his affections lie in another way. He would even be flattered for my thinking of him and honored that I had the courage to tell him. Very admirable and respectable which are all the reasons I like him in the first place but the outcome will inevitably be heartbreak.  Then, the first time I would ever have the courage to profess my heart to anyone will not have been reciprocated. Ouch. I don’t think I could do it again. I think this hypothetical situation has been painful enough to live through. I hate crushes.

“A lady's imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.”

So instead of telling him how I feel or hinting subtly, I have an amazing ability to act completely indifferent towards him as a way of rejecting him before he rejects me. It’s my MO. That way I was the dumper instead of the dumpee. It is a perfect way to end up alone with an animal yet to be named. This is an old habit that I have discovered since reading Captivating but a tough one to kick. It’s like autopilot kicks on and I am indifferent before I even realize. He even said whilst sitting next to me on the couch, (well in between me and the girl he actually likes) “Why are you texting while you are in a room full of people?” I wanted to scream, “It is my defense mechanism. Please, save me from myself. Don’t you want to play Handy Manny to this broken mess?”

Henry Crawford, let me be, keep your pelvis far from me

I am skipping ahead to something I wrote last night.  This was something weighing on my heart that I wanted to share with all of you....being my Mom.  Hi, Mom.

Know your own happiness.  Want for nothing but patience – or give it a more fascinating name: call it hope. –Sense and Sensibility

Unicorns, Loch Ness, Fairies, Chupacabra, and Male Virgins...are they real?  I’ve heard rumors that they exist, but I’ve never seen one. 

A wise friend once said to me, “I like my men like I like my Olive Oil…Extra Virgin” Can he be found at Wal-Mart?  Or is he only found at the Health Food Store?  Just point me in the right direction.  Aisle 5? 

 Innocence has become a rarity in my lifetime.  Virgins are treated like a ridiculous ticking time bomb waiting to burst.  We won’t make it till marriage; it is just a matter of time.  And for the most part society is correct.  We make these promises when we are young before temptation really hits.  Are we really that weak of a species?  We simply can’t wait. 

I reject the acceptance that sex is just expected whilst dating.  When did this become the norm?  Or has it always been so and it wasn’t discussed as openly as it is now?  We are a world of drive thru Fast Food, Sex on the 3^rd date, download album now instant gratification.  Of which there will never be an end.  With each generation we just spiral further downward.  I feel like Katniss in the Hunger Games, never wanting to have kids so she doesn’t have to subject them to this disintegrating world.  Her world was poverty and dictatorship, our’s is a sex-crazed society, but you smell what I’m stepping in.  Why is waiting such a bad thing?  Almost a bad word?  In While You Were Sleeping when Lucy tells her coworker that she and her fiancé are waiting until they get married, the coworker says, “WAITING?” as if it tasted like a yellow Starburst.  Patience is a dying noun.  It will be one of those words that take on a whole new meaning; like jerk or douche bag.  Well, I’m making a stand!  (Begin Beat box) I’m bringing patience back, YEAH!  Them other boys don’t know how to act, YEAH!

Patience- the ability to endure waiting, delay, or provocation without becoming annoyed or upset or to persevere calmly when faced with difficulties.

Men, I would like to call forward your protective animal instincts.  I would also like to call forth the chivalric prince; I know is hiding inside you.  It’s unfair to put this on us; girls are the ones who withhold.  We are the ones to see the bigger picture.  No more!  Man up!  Rub some dirt on your hairy chest with sword and shield in hand and shout, “I will protect you, milady!  I will protect your honor and your beliefs.”  Bit far?  Rather pull your Man tank over your newly shaven chest with your Bible and laptop in hand and shout those words.

 Sheesh!  I was born out of place.  Out of place and out of time.

A Whole Mess of Mr. Collins’

So, I am still very much working on this realization I had when I wrote this post several years ago.  If you have any advice for me, feel free to comment. 

I have always known I had a fear of rejection. Not difficult to decipher because I never really try.  Never really tried very hard at acting, not after being rejected in New York. Gave up singing when I felt rejected at NATS. Gave up sports when I played less than adequately and was teased by my teammates. I stay in my comfort zone. I’m complacent in the world of acceptance. I have even given up relationships when they get too complicated. I’m a quitter. I knew this about myself. And while this is something I need to address with a professional, I digress. I was under the misconception that I knew myself; that I was an open book. But I have learned more about myself in the last several weeks than I have learned in years and that is: I am guarded. Consider me the Secret Garden, only no one has found the key yet. Maybe that bird swallowed it.

I was walking into work one morning and there was a group of men standing outside waiting for the store to open. Sub-consciously I lowered my head, jammed my hands in my pockets and power walked into the store praying I went unnoticed. I entered the door with a “Holy Crap! I fear men!” Scared to death of them. All of them, any age, doesn’t matter.

It makes perfect sense. I have never had a relationship with a man. I don’t mean romantically. I mean, any kind of relationship. Not since my Papaw. My relationship with my Dad was either playful or fearful. We were either watching movies or I was running from him hoping not to be beaten. We never talked about anything important. Same with my brother, I don’t know anything about him. Pretty much sums up my friendships with men in my adult life (said loosely); it never goes beyond watching movies or joking around. They don’t know me; not really, I won’t let them.

I guess this is where my “Do Not Disturb” sign was purchased. I thought I was doing the right thing by acting like I didn’t need men. So I don’t cry at movies to prove I am just as strong as they are. I thought I was showing them how independent I was, and how I wasn’t like those stupid girls; the girls I hate, you know, the girls guys actually date. So where do I learn how to fix this? There is not a manual on becoming softer and more feminine.

How does one overcome a fear of men? 

You're killing me, Austen! You're killing me!

Maybe I should have spaced out these posts on being single; consecutively they seem a bit redundant and self-centered, but let me reiterate this post is three years old.  Also, I don't have a crush on anyone...save my Mom another phone call. 

I find that I my imagination has a mind of its own. It sets me up for disappointment every time I go somewhere, convinced someone will profess their love for me or ask me out or touch my hand. I blame you Jane; it’s your entire fault. You put these Romantic notions in my head.

Otherwise, the scenario would be me going to my guy friend’s house just to watch a movie. There should be no expectations there but instead I imagine going into the house, getting a hug, sitting next to him on the couch and there being that kind of electricity pulling us together like the Science Class Scene in the Twilight Book (it’s the only example I could think of, forgive me). That is far from what happened and I knew it wouldn’t go that way but my hope longed for that scenario. Why do I set myself up for disappointment? Why do we do that to ourselves? How can we stop it? If this were one of Jane’s books, something would have happened, anything.

I would rather see what plays out and be surprised or in my case, what doesn’t play out and not disappointed. I want to see how my love story plays out because I know it will be better than anything my imagination can cook up, mainly because it will be real. So why can’t we wait to see what happens?

Instead of fighting it, I thought about just giving in to my crush and saying…”OK, Yeah. I have a crush on this guy. Let’s see what happens.” But I will inevitably be hurt because I am always hurt and I bring it on myself. He won’t have slighted me on purpose, well hopefully. But I will feel slighted nonetheless. I will feel alone and rejected and he will be none the wiser.

It will be a one sided lovers quarrel; A one sided break up, and my heart will turn a little more to stone without anyone ever intentionally hurting it. I become a little more bitter with every crush and a little more hateful towards men, which is not fair to them. And then my Do Not Disturb sign on my forehead becomes bigger than it was before.

Jane, What have you done to me? In what I assume was an attempt to cure your personal pangs of disappointed love, you created my love story downfall.