I am a lone reed

I have been a selfish being all my life, in practice, though not in principle." ~Jane Austen

There comes a time in a girl’s life when she has to make a decision which path her life will take.  Once again, I have come to that proverbial fork in the road.  Much like Jane’s decision to live by her pen, I too have decided to disregard the rule; the rule that we are to get married and have kids.  That “rule” has not changed.  Not in over 200 years.  Again, I find myself in a two-seater boat with Jane sitting next to me.  I like to think that these two independent women have so much in common that we stay in that boat all day talking over all kinds of fascinating topics.  We are best friends that missed each other by a couple of centuries. 

Since, I never had the chance to meet my bestie, Jane; I have decided I am in a One Woman Wolf pack.  I will no longer be lonely, because I always have myself.  Great if someone wants to join me every now and then; but I will no longer be disappointed in anyone but myself.  I cannot control anyone but myself.  It is much too exhausting waiting on others, and I am not a patient person to begin.  I rebuke the lonely thoughts of “What is wrong with me?  Why doesn’t anyone want to be around me?”  Those thoughts no longer exist in me because they will never be answered, and I am wasting precious me time dwelling on something I cannot control.  But I can control me.  I can control my habits.  I can control my time.  I can control my pen.

I am aware that most of these posts come from a place of selfishness, and I am working on that.  Becoming unselfish is not a lesson easily learned.  There are no guidelines for this sort of thing. 

I am also aware that most of these problems and issues I've dealt with over the past four years would be cured with a little less self-absorption.  I get it; the problem is not lost on me.  I also wonder if dwelling too long on becoming unselfish defeats the purpose, no?

"Selfishness must always be forgiven, you know, because there is no hope for a cure." ~Mansfield Park

This subject deserves three quotes.....

"Nothing is more deceitful than the appearance of humility. It is often only carelessness of opinion, and sometimes an indirect boast." ~Jane Austen