Quick Succession

This is the last of my unpublished entries.  I wrote this one just the other day.  My entries may become fewer and farer between.

“It could have all turned out differently, I suppose.  But it didn’t.”  ~Mansfield Park

What if Jane had married one of her rumored admirers?  What if she had children and became too busy to pen her thoughts?  Would she have been happy?  Would she always feel that there was a missing piece in her life?  A Novel shaped hole in her heart? 

That is a semblance of how I have felt all my life.  I love the question now that I have moved…”What brings you to California?”  “Trying to find a life; my place in this world.”  Not many people know what to do with that information, by the way.

I felt I have always known who I am.  I don’t believe I have many delusions about who I am as a person, but I do feel I am wandering around trying to find my purpose.  I know what I want to do, but it seems a difficult task, that I wonder if I will ever achieve.   If my passion is not the intention for my life; why am I here?  And I don’t mean in LA; I mean, in this world? 

As a Christian, I understand my purpose in life is to be a light for God, to walk with Him daily, and to be an example.  But what do I do in the meantime?  What do I do with my life?  What is my purpose?  When does my life begin?  I have been waiting thus far for my life to start. 

Losing my weight didn’t do it and moving to LA hasn’t done it.  I hope my subconscious isn’t thinking a man will do it because it doesn’t look like that is going to happen.  I like to think I know better. 

I do know I have felt I was going in the right direction when I was working towards something.  As if, the sense of accomplishment is what life is about.  What happens once you’ve accomplished that goal?  Move on to the next?  Is that what we strive for in our everyday lives?   Is that the definition of a Servant’s Heart?  Is that what He meant?  Is that what we are supposed to do with our time here?

You know my sister told me that she has come to the realization that we are never going to be satisfied here on the earth, because this is not where we are supposed to be.  We will always be looking for a sense of fulfillment while we are physically alive.  Is that my answer?  If it can be confirmed, I will try to wrap my mind around it; I just need the validation.

You know where I’ll be while I wait.

“The two most important days in your life are the day you were born, and the day you find out why.” ~Mark Twain