In the eye of the beholder

“To look almost pretty is an acquisition of higher delight to a girl who has been looking plain for the first fifteen years of her life than a beauty from her cradle can ever receive.” ~Northanger Abbey

So, I I'm at peace with being single, for now, if it flares up again I am sure you will get to read all about it.  Onto the next phase of my life....getting the rest of this weight off. A dieting blog, if you will.  So, let's start at the very beginning; it's a very good place to start.  (Next to Jane Austen my favorite person is Julie Andrews, but no this blog will not suddenly change themes.)

I've been fat all my life...I remember in 2nd grade someone begged for me to tell them how much I weighed.  That was the first time I realized, "Oh.  I don't look normal."  From then on there were random names and several instances to remind me I was fat.  I was a fatty.  Thanks for the reminder universe.  I almost forgot. (sarcasm, btw)

All my life, "I am starting a new diet Monday.  I am trying something new this week."  I know my friends rolled their eyes.  One diet worked when I was about 15...The Mayo Clinic Diet.  As unhealthy as it was, I lost 20lbs in one month, but who can stand to eat drink grapefruit juice three times a day, and eat a diet that consisted of mostly: eggs, bacon, and hamburger patties.  I kept it off for about a year, then we moved yet again, and back up it went.  If you haven't guessed by now....I am an emotional eater.  Pretty sure I have written about it before.  I never thought I was a stressed out person until I changed my eating habits, then I discovered I was numbing my stress with food. 

About two years ago I was thinking back on the Mayo Clinic Diet.  Although, that diet was very high in fat, it has some good points.  So, I cultivated a diet based on Mayo Clinic.  Something I knew I could stick to.  I was planning to do it a month, but it was so easy.  I lost 13 lbs in the first month, and I continued to do it until the first 50lbs fell off.  I didn't really exercise the first 6 months because I wanted to make sure I really had it together.  Over the summer after the first year I struggled.  I'd gain some, I'd lose some.  I gained about 6 lbs in about 2 months, so I hit it hard again and lost 20 more before Thanksgiving.  Then I took a long break.  Uh oh.  After Christmas I weighed.  Gained the 20 back.  Yeah, I can do that.  You don't understand.  I have no stopping point.  I will eat til I am almost throwing up.  There is never a happy medium with me.  Not when I am off my diet. 

So, here we go again.  Sometime after Christmas, I got back on it.  Lost more weight, but never quite got back down to where I was before Thanksgiving.  Also, I was working out the entire year, except those two months when I gained that 20lbs. 

And, here I am now.  Last time I weighed was May.  I was about 5 lbs away from my smallest weight.  However, then I went to Alaska in June and never quite got back on my diet hard core.  Now I am living in the emotional roller coaster that is Los Angeles, and my diet attention span last about 3 days at the most.  I've lost that motivation and discipline I had in the beginning. 

I was telling my roommate tonight (shout out to Kylie!) that motivation was easy in the first year because the weight came off so easily.  I'd get on the scale in the morning, and I would have lost a pound which kept me motivated for that day because I wanted the same result the following.

Now I have stopped exercising, and I have no idea how much weight I have gained because I no longer have a scale. 

When I was my smallest, I had 18 lbs left to lose to reach my goal weight.  EIGHTEEN POUNDS!  That is nothing.  Now it's more like 40!  Dang me!  Just dang me!  Holla if ya feel me!

Here is why I am going on with this mundane information.  I need to find my mojo,my diet mojo!  Perhaps blogging about it will grant me the encouragement I need.  So here I am......come back to me mojo.  Come back.

I am going to start all over again tomorrow.  Well, today.  It's 1:00 am.  So, today is a new day.  I will probably not start working out hard core again until I get this food conundrum figured out.  Yoga and Pilates for me it is!  Wish me luck.