Saving Innocence

Matthew 18 The Greatest in the Kingdom. 1^a At that time the disciples^* approached Jesus and said, “Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?” 2He called a child over, placed it in their midst, 3^b and said, “Amen, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children,^* you will not enter the kingdom of heaven. 4^c Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. 5^* And whoever receives one child such as this in my name receives me.

"Is it sleeting where you are in California?", my 6 year old niece asked me this morning on the phone.  It is sleeting in Arkansas, so it must be sleeting everywhere.  Ah, kids.

I remember being a little girl.  I liked to dance, sing, pretend, play with dolls, dress up, and draw (OK, I still like to do all those things).  Everything was easier.  My biggest concern was being bored.  I remember turning 13 and telling myself that I had to stop playing with Barbies because I was a teenager now; it was a significant moment in my life. 

I can't imagine having that innocence taken away from me by being abused or raped.  Gong from a blissful child to a unprepared adult almost instantaneously.  This is a cause very close to my heart, as someone who values purity above all else, I think there is no greater crime than the loss of innocence.  The audacity of someone feeling they have the right to take that away from another angers me like nothing else. 

I know too many who have had that innocence taken away from them; who are scarred with memories of being powerless.  For those of you who have, know that I don't know the extent of your pain but I weep with you.  What was done to you was unfair, there is no explanation, but join me in the fight against the worst crime in the world. 

Isaiah 1:17
Learn to do right! Seek justice, encourage the oppressed. Defend the cause of the fatherless, plead the case of the widow.

Saving Innocence is a cause that we can support to bring justice to those who have been trafficked in America.  It is happening here, not just in third world countries, but here.  Please visit their website and read the amazing things these ladies have done to bring scum to justice, to fight for the innocent, and to bring awareness of what is happening next door.

Hope House is a place where these victims can go to seek refuge.  Do what you can to give to get the doors open.  I ask my friends, family, and the void that is the internet to give ANYTHING to help get this place up and running. 

Psalm 33:5
The LORD loves righteousness and justice; the earth is full of his unfailing love.

http://www.savinginnocence.org/

Breaking Down Walls and Taking Names

If things are going untowardly one month, they are sure to mend the next. ~Jane Austen

Here's the situation, been busy living life, working, working out, and changing that frankly I didn't know where to begin when it came to a new post so I just never did but now the time has come to inform the void that is the Internet in the new things I have learned.

"Suzanne, aren’t you supposed to have 4 kids? Aren’t you getting a little old?"

Ouch.

First, let me say that the person who said this to me is not a mean person….just blunt. Secondly, there may be some serious stereotyping in the post. You’ve been warned. Lastly, you might be wondering how it is I know I am supposed to have 4 kids. It’s called The Pencil Test.

http://pencilpregnancytest.com/

Moving on. My first thought was "how sad that she fell for the southern stigma." I guess, I could have gone that route….marriage and kids all before the age 30 but I GUARANTEE I would have been divorced and raising some very bratty kids. Holy terrors. Why, you ask?  Until this year I didn’t know myself; I thought I did, but I was wrong. Until recently I was NOT ready to give up my selfish ways; I wasn’t even a good aunt. I didn’t know why I reacted to certain situations the way I did. I didn’t like myself. How could I be raising a family? Now, I am not saying that no one under 30 knows who they are; some do. And I’m sure some find a partner they can grow up together with and it works, but I have a feeling I am not in the minority on this.

For the first time in my life I feel completely complete. I am no longer searching for the thing to fill that void. The void I used to try to fill with food, celebrities, TV, and friends. I never wanted to relinquish that hold I had on my own life. Honestly, I thought it was a little selfish that God asked me to give my entire person over to him, but over the last year it has become something I wanted to do. Why? Selflessly, I want to because he made me and it's the least I can do.  I worship him and he deserves it.  Life is easier once you do. Life is better when you give in. How would I have been someone's partner and raised a family not being a whole person?

Something else I've learned over the past year is what I am looking for in a future husband. In the past, I have reciprocated feelings from any guy that gave me a little attention, most of which turned out to be gay....true story. I've seen inside the lives of many different families in all of my babysitting this year. I've seen good dads and bad dads, and something that I now know is important to me is a Dad that is willing to be selfless, not many are. They are not ready to give up their personal time, as Mom's are. I've truly seen what is important in a future husband not as a partner but as a Father.

I have also gotten to see many different teaching and parenting techniques in all of my families. I get to see what works and what doesn't work. I have also had the privilege to discover that parents are just as clueless as anyone else....that they are doing the best they know to do. I never understood growing up when I asked my Mom a question and she didn't have the answer....now I know. Parents don't know everything, and that is OK, to feel a little clueless when you are raising your kids.

How would I have raised kids without the freedom of accepting my cluelessness?

So, my delayed answer to the girl mentioned earlier is, "Yes, I am getting older....and wiser."

This week I had an overwhelming feeling of excitement about the future. God did this. He's done this before but last time it was a promise of a career, I think. This time it had to do with my future husband and future life. I can't explain how I know, I just do. I can't wait to see what the future holds, but I can and will.

On a related and unrelated note: another pet peeve of mine is "Do it (live) while you still can…while you’re young and unattached." That is just not a mentality couples in L.A. have. In fact, the other day I thought that my neighbors must think I live an exciting life because I come in around midnight every night, in actuality I babysit kids of parents who live much more exciting lives than I do. So, I reject this southern stigma. Life is so much more.

Life is Hard

I'm having one of those ugly days.....um...weeks.  The anxiety has even infiltrated my dreams.  Jon Snow, my boyfriend was disinterested in one dream.  I cried while I dreamt the next night because no one ever wanted to date me so I must truly be ugly.  In the same dream, I peed all over myself in the bathroom.  What does that have to do with feeling insecure?  I read once that dreaming there are complications while needing to use the restroom means there are areas in your life you feel of which you don't have control.  BINGO.

I shouldn't be feeling this way...losing weight, getting fit doing Insanity. 

Maybe it all started with a failed phone interview with NFL studios for a freelance PA because I always say the wrong thing.  Maybe a little of the lack of sleep from working a few different jobs is affecting my mental state.  Maybe a smidgen of people treating you like dirt because you merely work retail because being treated like a dog makes you feel like a dog.  Maybe a fraction of the fact everyone in your family is about to be married and you have never even been on a date.  Just maybe.  Common sense and faith in Jesus reminds me that he has this.  This is his to take, but there must be a weak link in the chain that Satan has found.  And he's a pulling at it.

The cure isn't just any Industry Job because God has that in his plans.  The cure isn't quitting all my jobs that bring in the bacon.....mmmmm bacon.  The cure isn't going on a date with just any guy; I only want one guy.....my guy.  The cure is being brave.

I know everything I'm doing is what I am suppose to be doing so all I can do is be brave.  I had the urge to watch Brave this morning.  Then I watched Sara Bareille's new video "Brave".  It seems to be the theme of the day.  The word God decided to give me to get through this little issue I am having.  Not little.  Not really. 

brave

 [ brayv ]  

 

 

1. having or showing courage: having or showing courage, especially when facing danger, difficulty, or pain

Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong. (1 Corinthians 16:13)

37 Seconds

It's been a while.  This is neither Weight Loss Wednesday nor Single Lady Saturday.  So we shall call it Message Monday....but really it is because I finally have time to write. 

I have been working every day...some days, three jobs a day to pay off debt.  This time next year I will be debt free.  I am prepared to work hard, and yes, I am working four jobs all while doing Insanity at 5 am.  Whew.  Life is hard.

In four weeks of Insanity I have lost 6 lbs but I look like I've lost 20.  My body is completely changing.  If you are willing to put in the hard work....Insanity works. 

I am still working through Made to Crave Participant's Guide.  I find that I am still going to food in times of stress/exhaustion.  Mostly exhaustion between the 4 jobs.  Impaired judgment from a sleepy brain.  However, all the working out from Insanity helps when I make bad food choices so mark that down as another pro for Insanity.  I actually can't believe that I am not at my goal weight because I feel strong and healthy.  I, also, can't believe I am only half way through and I have these results so far.  Can't wait for the next leg....and a little nervous.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled
Matthew 5:6

Next up, I would like to incorporate a little Single Lady Saturday.  I mentioned awhile back that God has revealed something to me about my future husband and I was immediately overcome with this peace.  However, a new kind of anxiety and hope has arisen.  Satan has been trying to tear down this peace that God has given me.  I have been praying a lot lately to speak truth into this anxiety.  Several times this weekend God has played the theme song he gave me, Mumford and Sons' "I Will Wait".  A song I haven't heard on the radio in awhile has played two different times, incidentally right after I said a prayer.  Also, played at work over the loud speaker, which has never played before and I haven't heard it since.  Last night, I prayed about my hope.  I feel that Satan is trying to taint my hopes.  This morning I read Romans 8, verse 25 says, "But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently."  I've said it before and I'll say it again....I was not blessed with the gift of patience.  He is teaching me an awesome lesson. 

YES, SIR!

I've used this quote before and I will probably use it again.  It's brilliant.

Molly Mahoney: Now, we wait.
Mr. Magorium: No. We breathe.  We pulse.  We regenerate.  Our hearts beat.  Our minds create.  Our souls ingest.  37 seconds, well used, is a lifetime.

I surrender all.

The Insanity has begun.  Pun Intended.

My back muscles are sore.  Muscles that have never been sore before.  EVER.

You've heard the story of someone struggling with an issue and something just "clicks"?  Suddenly they are cured or have a new perspective on life....that just happened!  I have all sorts of perspective going on.  I know now that I will never kick this food issue.  It will always be an issue.  It will always be a struggle.  Much like the recovering alcoholic surrounded by drinkers, I will always be faced with the temptation to eat what I should not.  Food is a more difficult issue to deal with because you have to eat.  You don't have to drink.  You don't have to use drugs, but you do have to eat to live.  With this realization, I know what I have to do....say goodbye to "cheat days".  Say "goodbye" to the mentality that I can have (insert sweet/junk food here) when I am skinny.  Say "goodbye" to hoarding sweets in my cupboard for when I need them.  Say "goodbye" to reward meals.  I am not a dog!  My sacrifice must be what I love to eat.  Why does it have to be food?  Why can't I indulge?  Because food is what I put on a pedestal, sadly.  The food that does not benefit me in any way.  Abraham was willing to sacrifice his son.  I can sacrifice what it is that gets me through good times and bad because it is my own fault that I covet it. 

It took me three months to go through the Made to Crave book.  Why?  Not because I am a slow reader....no, because I wasn't ready to give up what I hold dear.  Much like the rich man in Matthew 19:16-26. 

¹⁶ Just then a man came up to Jesus and asked, “Teacher, what good thing must I do to get eternal life?”
¹⁷ “Why do you ask me about what is good?” Jesus replied. “There is only One who is good. If you want to enter life, keep the commandments.”
¹⁸ “Which ones?” he inquired.
Jesus replied, “‘You shall not murder, you shall not commit adultery, you shall not steal, you shall not give false testimony, ¹⁹ honor your father and mother,’^[a] and ‘love your neighbor as yourself.’^[b]”
²⁰ “All these I have kept,” the young man said. “What do I still lack?”
²¹ Jesus answered, “If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.”
²² When the young man heard this, he went away sad, because he had great wealth.
²³ Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Truly I tell you, it is hard for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of heaven. ²⁴ Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God.”
²⁵ When the disciples heard this, they were greatly astonished and asked, “Who then can be saved?”
²⁶ Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”

I am ready now.  I am ready to treat my body like a temple.  I am ready to make my sacrifice in God's honor. After all he sacrificed his son for my salvation.

I am sure some of you are thinking, "Geez! Food is just food!", but it is my "thing".  I am not as distracted by other sins.  I don't have a problem with sex and alcohol, those are non-issues for me.  Sin is sin, and gluttony is a sin.  No more thinking, "Why can't I have a Kit Kat or two?  It's not fair."  No more.  I do it for Him. 

So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her. John 8:7

All wrongdoing is sin, and there is sin that does not lead to death. 1 John 5:17

Don't judge those who sin differently than you.

 

Standards, Expectations, and Values. Oh MY!

Since, God has given me my new found peace about my future dude, I was wondering if I would ever have another Single Lady Saturday post again, but whilst sitting here in my PJ's, drinking coffee, snuggled up to my 26 year old stuffed Fievel plush mouse, watching It's Complicated has me thinking about the guy that will replace my Fievel. 

I've decided the recipe for my perfect man is the jovial personality of John Krasinski in It's Complicated (or anything Big K is in, really), the virtues and honor of Jon Snow in Game of Thrones, and the quirks of Nick Miller from New Girl (also, his Grumpy Cat tendencies, but I don't know how that would mix with the jovial personality; who knows weirder things have happened).  I want the protective relationship of Lucius and Ivey in The Village and the disciplinarian, big brother type role of Mr. Knightly in Emma (may sound strange, but I want someone who makes me a better person), and loves Jesus like Tim Tebow.

I've been told to lower my expectations, but I say....."HAVE FAITH".

But really, this mouse is in good shape for his age, yes?

Insanity

Albert Einstein said, "Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over, but expecting different results." 

I have two choices In life.. Eat what I want, and go through the motions of life in a numb state; or deal with the issues that keep me in a rut, and overcome. There are those who live their lives trying to fill a void they may not even realize is there; but I choose to be one who strives to be a better person; daily. To actually fill in the hole no matter how difficult it is to lift the shovel.

Lo and Behold.....another Mumford and Sons' song that has paralleled something I am going through at this time.  This inner struggle of not wanting to let go of the thing that comforts me in times of struggle.  It's time to lay down my vices and become the person that I am meant to be.  Junk food stunts my growth.....you see what I did there? Pun Intended.

And since, by Einstein's definition of insanity, I have been acting quite insane over the past 3 years.  Eating healthy then turning to junk food in times of emotional turmoil, joy, celebration, boredom, and....(insert any emotion here), then getting back on my diet, and hoping to lose 10 lbs in a month.  Insane.  This is going to be the hardest thing I have ever done but I am ready to let go.  I am ready to work harder than I have ever worked for anything in my life......and speaking of insanity.

 

Like I said.....I am ready to work harder than I've ever worked in my life.

Weight Loss Sunday doesn't have the same ring

Weight Loss Wednesday.....is a little delayed.  And as for Single Saturday.....I have nothing new to contribute.  Especially now that I found peace with being single.  Although, I will say that my new found peace does not mean that old habits of denying the possibility of finding someone when a friend talks about me finding love have disappeared.  I asked forgiveness so I digress.

My friends were in town visiting last week and my hopes of eating healthy while they were here were shot to Hell.  I'm sure some are thinking, "Well those are special circumstances.  You should enjoy yourself."  Every allowance I make before I have kicked this food issue is hindering the progress.  I am sick of not being the person I intend to be. I keep waiting to turn into this person and life is passing me by! 

I wrote this bit tonight as a motivation to myself.  I decided to give myself pep-talks.  Talk some sense into myself.....

I am emotionally allergic to carbs and sugar. Everything in my body tells me to stop....my skin burns, my blood rushes, my body gets bigger, depression, stress, break outs...to name a few. Why do I put something in my body it hates? It's like I am a smoker. I look at smokers wondering why they do that to themselves.  Grossed out by the smoke and the stench on them; but honestly I feel the exact same way about myself. Why do I sacrifice long term happiness for short term happiness. Eat well....survive the mental torture for an hour or two but ultimately walk away feeling proud and healthier. Feel a moment or two of joy from something that tastes good and then hate myself for days...if not longer. Sugar ages me. Gives me psoriasis. Junk food makes me swell and look visibly and instantly puffy. I don't want to look puffy or older. My life hasn't started yet! When I do allow myself to eat junk, I eat and eat it and never feel satisfied. Like addicts who aren't satisfied with their drug of choice. Proof that it's God that I am not filling myself with and I am filling up with the wrong things. I want to be happy. I want to be that brave, fun loving girl I know I can be when my emotions and my body aren't controlled by food. I want to be free. I am allergic to sugar and junk food. I don't want it. It's disgusting; like a cigarette.

Time to make changes.  Long term changes.  I purchased Insanity this week.  I am scared and excited. 

I have also decided that if I pray before every meal; how much more accountable I will have to be for what I am about to put in my mouth.  I know, shame on me for not already praying but like food and exercise....praying, reading the Bible, and going to church take a lot of discipline.  It is easy to focus on the other tasks at hand. 

I understand if you want to stop reading my blog because it is very redundant but like a child....I am going to have to be repetitive to get this into my skull!

This is why I live in LA!

 

Winter is coming!

 

 

GAME OF THRONES, BABY!

 

Because he had a nice back.....that I touched.  No Bigs!

 

 

Photos courtesy of Sara Elander. 

Bucket List

Kellan Lutz

Zachary Levi

Kit Harrington

Mathew Gray Gubler

Tom Hardy

Tim Tebow

Peace be with you.

It's single Saturday again; and you may not be surprised to know that I am in fact....still single. 

But that is OK. 

Instead of looking at every guy with fear and wonder...God has given me a peace.  A peace that he has the exact guy for me; who will appear at the exact time he is supposed to and not a moment sooner. He's out there.  There is nothing I can do to make it happen, and until then I am meant to live my life fulfilled by God with no other responsibilities to anyone.

I've always had this inclination that God didn't want me to tarnish my delicate nature by wasting time with any guy that wasn't the one he has planned for me.  Last week he confirmed it.  Although, a part of me wanted to know why I couldn't date......others do, which was unfair, but I am not others.  I am me and I was meant for one guy.  Not to share my thoughts and who knows what else with any man but my future husband.  There is a longing in my heart that has been quieted.  It's quite magical. 

I am confident in one (don't really understand the expression, but I am going to use it) hell of a love story; after all.....God did create Jane Austen's talents.

And now we wait......

"No. We breathe. We pulse. We regenerate. Our hearts beat. Our minds create. Our souls ingest. 37 seconds, well used, is a lifetime." ~Mr. Magorium

It’s Weight Loss Wednesday.  Since I failed to post in a while I will update you on a few lessons I've learned recently.

So to begin….I have been on and off my diet over the last several weeks.  As usual.  I have lost the motivation that I once had almost 3 or 4 years ago…I’ve lost track.  Time to find it again.  I am more so trying to reset my mind, actually.  I have decided to incorporate a cheat day a week because it is more realistic and a lifetime change; and that is how I have to look at it from now on…not a diet but a lifestyle.  As I’ve mentioned before I am reading a book called Made to Crave (I know, I know…I am not finished with it yet, but it is more of a workbook) to work through the emotional tie to food that we all have.  The change I have to make especially hit home last Saturday when I went to Disneyland….yeah!  Such a magical it should have been but the mood was dismal when I couldn’t find anything comfortable to wear.  My dream outfit is a t-shirt and jeans.  A T-Shirt and Jeans?  Yes, a t-shirt and jeans.  When you have been heavy all your life…..feeling and looking cute in something simple is the greatest accomplishment.  That’s when I decided it was over.  Done.  Feeling this way is something of the past.

Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it within us or we find it not. -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Chapter 10 is all about temptation....how appropriate! She said something very interesting about temptation..."It's not fair that God won't let us eat of the fruit of the tree in the middle of the garden.....one little bite wouldn't be so bad right?" That made me think of when I give into temptation not thinking of the long term consequences. Reminds me of the saying...."moment on the lips, lifetime on the hips". It's strange I don't see food that way when I am a "bigger picture" type person in everything else. I never smoked growing up because cancer. I never drank growing up because it could become an addiction. Never had sex because pregnancy and STDs (not that it was even an option). Interesting that I don't view food this way. 

She said something in the book that brought to my attention that if I lose this weight...I will have a physical victory in Jesus name. A physical testimony!

Now that I am figuring out all of the emotional issues I have tied to food I am on to the next biggest hurdle which is my patience or lack there of. The journey to losing weight might be harder than overcoming the emotional ties to food. Why isn't it enough to work through the issues....then you have to work to lose what took all those years to pack on? UGH....patience. Stay tuned as I fight that battle daily. So often I say this prayer to God...."Dear God, Give me patience. And I am not talking about one of those lessons to test my patience. We both know I would fail that game.....because I don't have any....so I need to borrow yours. In Jesus Name." This week as I was listening to my Mumford and Sons CD which has rarely left my player since October I really listened to the lyrics of the song "I Will Wait".....I think he provided my theme song whilst I lose this weight. 

Enjoy.

 

Well I came home
Like a stone
And I fell Heavy into your arms
These days of dust,
Wish we would've known,
Will blow away with this new sun

But I’ll kneel down, wait for now
I’ll kneel down, know my ground

I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you

So bring my step
And relent, you forgave and I wont forget
Know what we've seen
And him with less
knowing some way to shake the excess

I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you

Now I’ll be bold, as well as strong
And use my head, along side my heart
So tame my flesh and fix my eyes
a tethered mind freed from the lies

But I’ll kneel down, wait for now
I’ll kneel down, know my ground

(instrumental)

Raise my hands
Paint my spirit gold
Bow my head, feel my heart slow

I will wait, I wait wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you

 

I'm in love. I'm in love....and I don't care who knows it!

To flatter and follow others, without being flattered and followed in turn, is but a state of half enjoyment. ~Jane Austen

Since I am so behind on posting, I decided to designate certain days to Themed Posts.

And today is........Single Lady Saturday.  Yes, the fact that I’m posting on the subject of being single on “Date-Night” is not lost on me. Hardy. Har. Har. 

So maybe someone flirted with me the other day.  I think.  Maybe.  I don't know.  I am going to be honest, I googled it afterwards.  "How to know when a guy is attracted to you?".

There have been so many things that have happened since my last post that I don't even know where to begin. 

Let's begin with about a month ago I had a crush on a guy.  It lasted about a week.  I prayed about it and immediately it vanished.  It was amazing.  My crushes usually last for long periods of time and I tend to have a bit of an obsessive personality, so I gave it to God.  Then that night I was talking to him and the crush just dissolved.  I knew immediately that I must not accept anything less than a guy with the morals and ideals that I expect and deserve.  I call him my own personal Tim Tebow.  I am holding on to the fact that guys like Tim Tebow are rare but DO EXIST. 

I have come to the realization that my weight issue and being uncomfortable in my own skin have been somewhat of a blessing.   I have an amazing God that has protected me from myself and others so that I wouldn't mess up and regret my actions.  Wow.  Discovering that has given me an amazing peace about being single and being....me.  Don't get me wrong....I have weight issues.  I am not saying they're OK.  They are a set-back.  I am unhealthy and I want to be a witness mentally and physically but I no longer feel...."Woe is me!"  I have peace; and feel like I can get to the place I am meant to be.  I digress.  It's not Weight Loss Wednesday....It's Single Lady Saturday.

Since I have come to the realization recently that I am closer to dating it has brought up so many questions. Not just the question I googled.....but also.....How do you let a guy know you are interested whilst letting him be the man?  I'm sure some of you (or most) are thinking I should really know these things by now.  Or that I am over thinking all of it, but all this time NOT dating has given me A LOT of time to think....over think. 

So I am beginning to understand that it is officially only in movies that guys act or pursue without being prompted in some kind of way.  In fact, Jane Austen had to write these men into existence to get a love story that begins by Darcy pursuing Elizabeth without any inclination she felt the same way.  I'm wrapping my head around this....I'll adjust my mindset.

In nine cases out of ten, a woman had better show more affection than she feels. ~Jane Austen

My new motto is to "BE BOLD!"  I am going to have to show some gumption if I am going to step out on a limb and show a guy I'm interested.  There is no guy.  Not yet, anyway.

Ship....Court?

Much like Lena Dunham getting kissed by Patrick Wilson in this week's episode of Girls....the events in my life don't seem real and I want to scream at the TV screen of my life...."WHAT IS HAPPENING!?" 

The proverbial "they" say you shouldn't post a blog of longer than two paragraphs or you risk the chance that your audience will lose interest...you may as well stop reading now.   

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a girl of my age would have everything figured out.  From now on when someone asks me my age, my response will be, "How old is my body or how old am I mentally?  Because I am only just now figuring this stuff out. 

If you asked me what I was going to do with my life last week, I would have told you....going to Culinary School in AR and possibly moving to NYC. 

But now.....I just had the time of my life playing Script Supervisor on a Pilot and it just got real!  At this point I don't remember how much information I divulged about my future plans but scrap all of it. 

Today, I paid a deposit for a Baking Program that will go from April til June.  I will have a Certificate of Completion and be able to get a job as a Pastry Chef this summer to supplement whilst I look for Script Supervisor jobs.  Who knew!?  I surely didn't.  Wowza. 

Last week, I was all set to go back to AR, live with one of my besties and go to school.  I mean, I have financial aid and everything set up for that.....but now......is this the definition of flaky or is this what the journey is all about? 

"For Miss ----------, read Miss Smith.

My first displays the wealth and pomp of kings,
Lords of the earth! their luxury and ease.

That is court.

Another view of man, my second brings;
Behold him there, the monarch of the seas!

That is ship;--plain as it can be.--Now for the cream.

But ah! united, (courtship, you know,) what reverse we have!
Man's boasted power and freedom, all are flown.
Lord of the earth and sea, he bends a slave,
And woman, lovely woman, reigns alone.

A very proper compliment!--and then follows the application, which I think, my dear Harriet, you cannot find much difficulty in comprehending. Read it in comfort to yourself. There can be no doubt of its being written for you and to you." ~Emma

 

Much like Harriet Smith, I am easily confused by riddles and courtship. 

Another, thought provoking turn of events has happened in the last several weeks.

 

For the first time in my life, I think I am ready to date.  I could never imagine it before.   I have had many crushes before and liked a guy or two but I wasn't actually ready to date.  So I never actually gave them any inclination that I was interested.  There was always some form of self-sabotage involved in these situations.  So, now that I am actually ready to date I don't actually know how.  I don't know how to get the message out there that I am interested whilst keeping my desire to be pursued.  The tricky part is I have come to the realization that guys do not pursue anymore.   They may go as far as a text to come hang out with him and his friends, but dating appears to be dead. 

I read a very interesting article about the death of courtship....
http://www.nytimes.com/2013/01/13/fashion/the-end-of-courtship.html?smid=fb-share&_r=0

.....sad.  Perhaps, I missed out.  As dramatic as it may sound, I refuse to settle for anything less the love story I deserve.  Even if it means ending up single.  I will not text him first.  John Wayne would take initiative and contact me first.  I will accept nothing less than John Wayne.  I actually changed my screensaver on my phone to  this....

 

...to remind me what real men look like.  These are the men that would say, "Howdy.  What are your plans for Valentine's Day?  I'd like to take you out."  These are the men we wait for, ladies.  Join me in boycotting anything but what we deserve.

To conclude....I have lost 8 LBS since the beginning of Feb.  And yes, I am doing it in a very healthy way. 

Living it up in LA

What are men to rocks and mountains. ~Pride and Prejudice

I am a little late posting this, but I forgot to talk about my LA Bucket List....

Since I have decided to move, I feel free to enjoy this city.  Act as a long term tourist, if you will.  So my roommate and I have decided to mark things off our Bucket List whilst still in LA.  It started two weeks ago.  First on the agenda was The Hollywood Sign. 

To anyone ever planning to do this.....It is over a mile hike.  All the way up hill.  My calf muscles stopped hurting a week later.  Also, don't wear Converse.  I couldn't breathe.  It was super embarrassing.

Next on the agenda, the 500 Days of Summer bench!

Someone jack ass stole the plaque off the bench.  Yeah, it's cool you have that on your wall, but consider the other fans in the world that would have wanted to see the plaque.  Just a thought.  And if you ever visit this area....beware of the homeless people that have no other place to "get busy" than in this park. 

Then, we hit up the Marina.  So, I used to live there so it wasn't quite as spectacular as everything else on the list but it was a beautiful day.

Last week, was not as crazy, but it was delicious.  I had the White Chocolate Blueberry Cheesecake from the Cheesecake Factory.  Sadly, there is no picture.  I ate it before I remembered to take a pic.  And yes, there is cheesecake on the Bucket List.  Why wouldn't there be? 

Once, Kylie wakes we shall mark something else off the Bucket List.  Stay tuned.

In other news....I am 4 lbs lighter today than when I weighed yesterday morning.

That is all.

Thinspiration!

Last night I came up with the word thinspiration, but then I typed it into Pinterest only to discover...that in fact, was not true. 

I've decided to show you how I am feeling as I lay in my bed, in my pjs, ready to sleep, as I write my blog. Cue the Doogie Howser theme song....

Let's get down to brass tax (is that the expression?, what does it even mean?)  I failed on my no sugar. 

I had sugar several times in the last week.  Shesh.  I feel awful and my skin hurts...literally hurts...like burns from the sugar.  This has happened before so I know that is the case.  Also, until today I hadn't weighed since May.  In May, I was not at my smallest.  I was about 8 to10 lbs heavier than I had been once, well, as I suspected and a little worse actually, I was even 22 lbs heavier than that!  Since May I have gained 30 lbs!  EESH!  No one to blame but myself.  I needed that thinspiration to jump back on the bandwagon.  So, I got back on my no carb diet today and am trying to get rid of the baked goods (not by eating them) by giving them away but California is different than AR.  I feel like I can't give them to neighbors.  They would think it suspicious.  Laced with razor blades or drugs.  Anyway, I am going to keep up with my weight loss via this blog in hopes that it will keep me accountable.  I have goals and rewards.  REWARDS that are NOT FOOD, btw.  Because that would just perpetuate the cycle, no?  Clothes are my rewards.  There are some great outfits on Pinterest that I have been salivating over for long enough!  Time to get in these outfits!

I hope to lose 2 to 2.5 lbs a week.  I have a 6 day a week workout schedule.  And goal clothes to fit into. 

And to add insult to weight gain....I have decided to start this hard core right before we film next week.  I don't know if any of you know about film sets, but  most of what there is to do is eat.  Also, I will be getting to set at 5 am and leaving at 5 pm.....My goal is to still lose the 2 lbs next week. 

Help....I need somebody...not just anybody

I'm on Chapter 6 of my new book Made To Crave, which I spoke about in the prior post.  Very much like an AA program (from what I've heard) there is sort of a step process to take to overcome this emotional tie to food.

In Chapter 4, Friends don't let friends eat before thinking, she suggests that we need accountability partners to help us overcome and fight with us on a daily basis.  So that is why I am posting now.  I need accountability and prayer.  Also, I would like to offer my accountability and prayer to anyone else reading this who needs to be helped through their addiction.  Not just to food, but to any addictions that we deal with daily.....something as simple as shopping, credit cards, TV to bigger issues such as drugs, alcohol, and sex. 

Please comment if you would like for me and for everyone here to pray for you.  Just a first name.  No need to tell us your addiction......I just want to offer a support system.

Here is the prayer that I would love to have you prayer for me everyday, and I will pray for you....

"God, I recognize I am made for more than the vicious cycle of being ruled by food.  I need to eat to live, not live to eat.  So, I keep asking for your wisdom to know what to eat and your indwelling power to walk away from things that are not beneficial for me."

It's time to get these addictions out of the way of our relationships with Christ.  The time is now to get it right.  We cannot keep putting off what we need to get done today.  I learned something managing Pier 1 that is very applicable in our everyday lives.....If you see something that needs to get done, DO IT.  Don't write it down on a list to be done at a later time.  It might never get done.  You might lose the list.  Things will happen to prevent you from accomplishing your list.  Do it.  It won't take as long as it would to think about doing it.

Much like the writer of this book, I have always identified myself with my circumstances and everything I am not.....but NO MORE.  I choose to see myself through God's eyes. 

I am the forgiven child of God. (Romans 3:24)
I am the set-free child of God. (Romans 8:1-2)
I am the accepted child of God. (1 Corinthians 1:2)
I am the holy child of God. (1 Corinthians 1:30)
I am the made-new child of God. (2 Corinthians 5:17)
I am the loved child of God. (Ephesians 1:4)
I am the close child of God. (Ephesians 2:13)
I am the confident child of God (Ephesians 3:12)...This one will take some self convincing
I am the victorious child of God (Romans 8:37)

"I was made to be set free, holy, new, loved, and confident.  Because of this, I can't allow myself to partake in anything that negates my true identity.  I was made for more." ~Lysa Terkheurst, Made to Crave

To conclude, I am praying that God reveals to me his word for me.  The word that describes what he sees in me.  It may take years to get my answer, but I cannot wait to hear it.  So please pray for me.  I would love to pray for you too.

"I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better.  I pray also that the yes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe." Ephesians 1:17-19

Although, asking for wisdom and power is scary because it means I can't drown my sorrows in food.  Means I cannot hide anymore.  This is why I need your help.

This girl is on fire........

There seems to be a theme replaying in my life lately. 

Worry.

Some might say I have to right to worry right now....what with not having a job and all but even worrying about my job or lack there of is a slap in God's face. 

God said.....

²⁵ “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷ Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life^[a]?

²⁸ “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹ Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰ If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? ³¹ So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³² For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³ But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

I have always said that I am not a trusting person, and the only one I can trust is God, but I have discovered that I do not fully trust Him either.  I haven't put my trust in him that he has my back when it comes to money, my future, job, helping me overcome my food addiction, and probably many more things that occupy my thoughts.  Tonight at church, the message was all about laying down the worries that hinder our relationship with God.  To trust that he has our back.  The Pastor used the analogy that birds are never wanting for food.  He takes care of the birds.  Why do we not trust that He will take care of us.

And worrying all the time not only keeps us from being closer to God but closer to everyone.  I discovered that I am not truly present.  I am never ALL there.  I am usually thinking (worrying) over other things.....at dinner with friends....worrying about money or calories.....at a movie.....worrying about the popcorn or trying not to bite my fingernails.....with my family.....worrying that I am not being social enough with my friends.....with my friends....worrying about not spending enough time with my family.....working out....worrying what I look like.  EW.  Why is it all about me? 

I give up.  I give it all up.  I give up being so hard on myself...yeah so I have gained some weight.....I am going to get it back off again.  I give up worrying about food and money.  I am going to become thankful.  Grateful for what I do have. 

I have been reading this book called Made to Crave by Lysa Terkheurst.  A woman that has struggled with her food addiction.  Struggled with putting her love of food before God.  Sadly, I know exactly how she feels.  I am only on Chapter 4 but I have already learned so much.  My goal is to get rid of this food addiction......and by get rid of, I know it is something I will always struggle with like any addiction, but I have decided to fight daily. 

I take comfort in knowing I'm not the only one...along with the writer Lysa, Eve was also tempted by food.  The Devil tempted her with something she was not suppose to eat.  It looked good, it smelled good, she didn't need it but she wanted it, so she ate it, without praying or talking to God or trusting Him that He could help her overcome the craving. 

God made us to crave.  He wants us to, but we are meant to crave what is good for us.  We are meant to crave Him.  I am going to be honest, I used to struggle with the fact that God made us only to worship Him.  I thought that sounded very conceited.  I hate that I thought that but there it is.  I prayed for the answer for years....one day, God revealed to me that He made us, yes, which is exactly why we should worship HIM.  He is our creator.  He breathed us into existence.....Why would we worship anything else?  We were made to crave HIM.  

I have always been overweight....I had it in check awhile ago when I started losing weight, but as I have been told.....a very high percentage of people gain their weight back in time because food and weight is not the only issue....it's actually a very small factor in the equation....our ties to food and weight are emotional.  Why? Because food is comforting.  Food is there for us when we need it.  It is instant gratification.  It's an escape......TALK ABOUT A SLAP IN  GOD'S FACE! 

I want to tell you a very personal story that I have only shared with a few people.  This is when I knew I had a food addiction and I was indeed putting food before God!  I was living in Clinton....ugh.(no offense Kylie)...a low point in my life and I think most people in my family.  I was stuck in my room for lack of anything else to do in that town....I think it was a weekend or Spring Break and I had already had a breakfast burrito that morning.  Not a healthy-ish Lean Cuisine Breakfast Burrito, but a very cheesy full of fat breakfast burrito...the kind of thing my Dad and Brother ate.  I had been watching TV in my room and I was bored, so what else was there to do but eat?  Again.  I was not hungry.  Far from it.  So I went downstairs and opened the freezer.  I felt a tug on my heart.....God's voice saying, "You are not hungry, put that back.  You don't need it."  I answered back....aloud actually...."NO!  I can eat this if I want to.  I have nothing else to do.  I am miserable." I took the burrito out of the wrapper, and started to put it in the microwave, and I felt a knock on my heart.  I actually rolled my eyes.  The phone rang.  It was like a scene out of a horror movie.  I slowly turned around and looked at the phone.  I walked over to the phone terrified at what I was about to hear on the other end.  My first thought was.....OH crap....Busted!  God is calling me!  I picked up the phone and let out a sigh of relief...it was our former neighbor calling for my Mom.  She wasn't home.  I hung up the phone and rolled my eyes again.  God wouldn't call me.  He doesn't care.  Before I even had the chance to turn back around to start the microwave.....the phone rang again.  My heart jumped out of my chest as I answered the phone.  No one was there.  NO ONE was on the other end!  As odd and as ridiculous as this sounds I am going to say it.....God called me on the phone.  Some may say....YEAH RIGHT or LIAR.  But I put that burrito back in the wrapper and took my frightened butt back up stairs.  I didn't eat again that day until I was actually hungry.   

Don't get me wrong...I will probably always be a foodie.  I will always enjoy it, so don't go slapping my burger out of my hand if you see me at Chili's.  BIG SUZ would be angry....and you won't like her when she's angry.  But my goal is to get the emotionality with food in check.  To put God before food.  To not worry about how I look.

Where do we go from here....

....this isn't where we intended to be.

I am pretty excited about the path that life is heading in.  There is a plan forming.....It is not the plan that I would have imagined my life would take but you know the saying.....

You know the one I am talking about....

Yes, you do.

Really?

Have you been living under a rock?

OK, I'll tell you.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans.

You've heard that.

Anyway, I had to ask God's forgiveness last week....I mean, I ask his forgiveness every day, mostly for my unfiltered tongue, but in this instance it was something new.....I had to ask forgiveness for up and quitting my job without praying about it.  I just knew I couldn't go back.  It wasn't planned.  I was dressed and ready to go but filled with dread.  The same dread I have been filled with for months.  I have worked jobs that have had their ups and downs.  I have worked with difficult people before but this was different.  The job was like a Dementor.  Like I'd never be cheerful again and the only thing that helped me out of the funk was chocolate.

So, here I am.  A week later.....jobless.  I had a great week last week casting a Pilot that my friend Jen wrote.  I have always suspected I would love to be a Casting Director and I suspected RIGHT!  I had so much fun casting for the Pilot and my future boyfriend.....although most of the boyfriend prospects were no call/no shows....story of my life.

Although, I did love casting, and I would still love to be a part of the Entertainment Industry, I have still come back to the cold hard fact that I do not have a job.....or any kind of trade that I can make money at to live on in between the random fun Industry jobs that I love.  So, like I said, there is a plan forming that I am actually very excited about but I don't really want to talk about right now because life changes so drastically and so quickly that I cannot risk sounding like a flake.  All I will say is it will sort of take me back to the life that I was living previously.  I just very much hope that this isn't the theme for the rest of my life.....going back and forth on what I am going to be doing.....changing jobs.  I sincerely hope this is just a bad case of the...late bloomer....just figuring out what I want to do with my life....Kraft cheesy macaroni blues. 

Moving on.....I haven't had any sugar since New Year's Eve....I was tempted about 30 minutes ago.  I made Pumpkin Cream Cheese Bread.....not to eat, but for the love of baking.  My roommates have eaten some and I really thought about it but knew how mad at myself I would be if I had.  The only trouble with giving up sugar I have had is that I seem to be replacing sugar with popcorn.  I have had more popcorn in the last several weeks than I have had in a year.  So, I have come to the conclusion that I really need to start this book and reader's guide that I bought called, Made to Crave. 

I'm going to kick this food issue I have been struggling with all my life. 

I'm going to say it....Mom, look away......but....shit is about to get real.

Stay tuned to see life changes that will hopefully soon ensue.

Recycled Feelings

I had some thoughts running through my head the last several.....months that I wanted to post but couldn't bring myself to.  I couldn't talk about how sad I have been for fear that I would come undone and never be made whole again. 

There has been this an underlying sadness to my everyday movement.  Even though I am working on a Pilot, which is why I came out here, it hadn't helped the shadow.  When I was home, surrounded by my family...there was a cloud over my head.

Being back in LA for two days has me imagining the thought of living a normal life.  I thought about giving up.  Sometime the thought of having an in home washer and dryer and being around my nieces are completely worth giving up everything I've ever imagined my life to be. 

Yesterday, I decided to stop being sad and to start being awesome.  Kidding.  That is a How I Met Your Mother quote.  I decided to quit my job. The job that has caused me to gain about 20 to 30 lbs. I feel like it was one of those split moment decisions that will change my life.  I have had a few of those in my lifetime.  Moving to LA the first time.  Deciding to leave College, the week before we started back. (Never regretted that one.)  Anyway, long story short, the weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  No, I don't have a job and that is a little stressful but I feel like myself again.

I would appreciate some prayers about the job situation......(yes, I know we've been here before). 

Let me tell you what else is happening in my life.  I am getting busy on my budget for the year.....which yes, is a little tricky now that I have no income.  I am starting the 52 week challenge.  I will have a nice little savings at the end of the year.

Also, I have given up sugar.  Now the side affects haven't  been so bad, but the reason is because I had a stomach bug the first 5 to 6 days and I was still eating carbs those days....well, mostly saltines and peanut butter sandwiches due to the bug.  Yesterday, I started back my healthy eating plan for life....which is no carbs.  I count my points weight watchers style.  The no sugar thing is to help me maintain my food intake on cheat days.  When I eat something savory, I stop when I am full.  That is just not the case with sugary treats.  I can't stop.  It's like a drug.  I am still eating fruit (just to make that clear) and there are like 2 grams of sugar in my peanut butter but that is deal breaker.  I would rather die fat, early than to go cray and give up my peanut butter. 

Also, I am still considering going to school next year to become a Pastry Chef.  I will fill out the FAFSA and all that jazz this year to get ready.  Maybe some great industry job will come up between now and August but if it doesn't...I have a back up plan. 

And so is my life right now.