I had some thoughts running through my head the last several.....months that I wanted to post but couldn't bring myself to. I couldn't talk about how sad I have been for fear that I would come undone and never be made whole again.
There has been this an underlying sadness to my everyday movement. Even though I am working on a Pilot, which is why I came out here, it hadn't helped the shadow. When I was home, surrounded by my family...there was a cloud over my head.
Being back in LA for two days has me imagining the thought of living a normal life. I thought about giving up. Sometime the thought of having an in home washer and dryer and being around my nieces are completely worth giving up everything I've ever imagined my life to be.
Yesterday, I decided to stop being sad and to start being awesome. Kidding. That is a How I Met Your Mother quote. I decided to quit my job. The job that has caused me to gain about 20 to 30 lbs. I feel like it was one of those split moment decisions that will change my life. I have had a few of those in my lifetime. Moving to LA the first time. Deciding to leave College, the week before we started back. (Never regretted that one.) Anyway, long story short, the weight has been lifted off my shoulders. No, I don't have a job and that is a little stressful but I feel like myself again.
I would appreciate some prayers about the job situation......(yes, I know we've been here before).
Let me tell you what else is happening in my life. I am getting busy on my budget for the year.....which yes, is a little tricky now that I have no income. I am starting the 52 week challenge. I will have a nice little savings at the end of the year.
Also, I have given up sugar. Now the side affects haven't been so bad, but the reason is because I had a stomach bug the first 5 to 6 days and I was still eating carbs those days....well, mostly saltines and peanut butter sandwiches due to the bug. Yesterday, I started back my healthy eating plan for life....which is no carbs. I count my points weight watchers style. The no sugar thing is to help me maintain my food intake on cheat days. When I eat something savory, I stop when I am full. That is just not the case with sugary treats. I can't stop. It's like a drug. I am still eating fruit (just to make that clear) and there are like 2 grams of sugar in my peanut butter but that is deal breaker. I would rather die fat, early than to go cray and give up my peanut butter.
Also, I am still considering going to school next year to become a Pastry Chef. I will fill out the FAFSA and all that jazz this year to get ready. Maybe some great industry job will come up between now and August but if it doesn't...I have a back up plan.
And so is my life right now.
You are so wonderful and inspire me everyday to do better! Love you!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Jackie. Love you too.
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