Robert Martin had cojones

"Do not consider me now as an elegant female intending to plague you, but as a rational creature speaking the truth from her heart.”  ~Pride and Prejudice

Am I alone in that dream in which an adorable specimen of a man spots you from across the room, walks towards you, introduces himself, and you live happily ever after?  You don't hear of it actually happening often, and of course when you do it is at said couples Wedding or Anniversary because the men that have the balls to do such a thing have already done it.  They fall in the "good ones have all been taken" category, I suppose. 

So here we are ladies.  Stuck out here with the lazy ones.  Or the cocky ones, that think they are the ones to be spotted from across the room.  When did this become the norm?  The girls do the hunting.  I blame Gidget's friends.  The hoochie mamas that made her go on a man hunt.  They started the movement.  Bitches.

I was just discussing with my friend that I suppose if I ever want life to start being different than it has always been I will have to take myself out of my comfort-zone.  I don't necessarily mean dating either.  Just a different life.  I am not one to go to an unknown place without a companion by my side.  Someone who shares in my awkwardness.  Someone I can hide behind when the situation warrants shelter.  Perhaps it's time to be independent.  I don't like it, but I guess it's time.

I have never been very aggressive in my pursuit for the things I want. Yeah, Yeah, moving to LA is very courageous. I've heard it before, but it does not mean I am a courageous person. I lack the aggression to take what I want. I am a dreamer, not a doer. So, last week I took a chance, and answered an ad on craigslist. Ah, Scary. You know when you are applying for a job or in this case answering an ad and you know it's going to work out. You know when you just know; is basically what I am saying? I answered this ad for production company looking for people that have never been able to accomplish their dreams and would like the help of a life coach. Much like the roommate in Bridesmaids, when offered a free tattoo from the guy in a van, I said, "Sure." They are interviewing people to put on a possible web series. The producer called me today to interview and to set up an interview with a life coach. It JUST GOT INTERESTING! So, who knows what this person is going to try to pull out of the old noodle to help me accomplish my dreams. I'll keep ya posted, but you knew that already, didn't you?

Thank you for reading my ramblings.  You know what Jane says, "Those who do not complain are never pittied."

Rubs and Disappointments

“There will be little rubs and disappointments everywhere, and we are all apt to expect too much; but then, if one scheme of happiness fails, human nature turns to another; if the first calculation is wrong, we make a second better: we find comfort somewhere . . .” ~Jane Austen

 

In this vast and populated city of Los Angeles, one can easily get  lost in the sea of cars and people.  In a place you would think would be busier and more exciting than a tiny (in comparison) town in Arkansas, I couldn't feel more alone.  As I sit here in the dark, with cancelled plans, and Josh Garrels playing, I am thankful I have this great void that is the Internet to let my thoughts rest. 

 

Is this what every one's life is like?  Or am I destined to be a hermit?  How does one grow out of their hermit tendencies? 

 

Granted I have only been here for almost two months.  How many friends can one make in two months?  Don't answer that.  That was a rhetorical question.  I am sure more than I am pretending to be natural. 

 

I truly believe we never really know ourselves until we move away from our comfort zone.  Once you are taken out of that sense of complacency you discover how courageous or how destitute you really are.  You find out where you turn when times get lonely.  And you find out who you can turn to when times get lonely.  It's not just a personal test.  It's a test of loyalty. 

 

I often wonder if Jane Austen preferred her written characters to real characters? If she would rather stay in all day writing not only because she enjoyed writing but she enjoyed creating her own storyline and outcome? Where good can come to those who deserve it and the wicked get what is owed them? It doesn't always work like that in real life. Undeserving girls marry great men, and the rich man isn't good. Did she write so she could feel like she was accomplishing the life she felt she was meant to lead? Feeling lonely that day? Write a love story. Angry that you are poor? Write a love story with a rich man.  There would be no disappointments, and if there were, they would be quickly rectified with her pen. 

 

Tonight, I am grateful for Jane Austen, Josh Garrels, and Jesus.

 

Would you like some cheese with that wine?

I'm having one of those...WHY THE HELL AM I HERE?....days.  I came home from a job I hate, (where I only earn enough money to pay my bills, while people from Sony Studios walk back and forth past the spa taunting me) to find a traffic violation.  Just one of the many joys of living in LA.  I wouldn't have had this issue if I moved to New York, but no, it wasn't time for me to move there.  It's one of those, "Why, God?", days.  You know? 

I know I have said it before, and I am saying it again....I am ready for my life to start!  As you may know, I was having a very tough time about two weeks ago, and I posted on Facebook that I wanted to just sleep and be awakened when a good movie comes out.  That's kind of how I feel my life has been playing out thus far, as if I am in the audience of everyone else's movie.

"You're suppose to be the leading lady in your own life, for God's sake!" ~The Holiday

I get to laugh, cry, feel the effects of friendship, but I don't get to participate. I just have to be happy for everyone else. Unless my own personal movie is one of those sad quiet movies that is more so a glimpse into someone's mundane life, and less like a RomCom.  I guess I should be thankful it isn't a Horror Film.  YET.  BUM BUM BUM! AHHHHH!

How does one crawl into the screen and start living?  Sort of opposite of the creepy girl in The Grudge? 

But, hey....on a happier note, I didn't reach for the ice cream when I discovered the ticket which was my first instinct; I had some decaf coffee instead.....then I blogged about it!

And on an even happier note, the state of California thinks I am 25, so that is what I am going with too.

If anyone asks.

So much on TV, so little time

I'm applying for new jobs everyday, and .......nothing.  God seems to want me to stay at this miserable job, but why?  I don't know the reason yet, and I probably won't until it's long behind me.  Until then, I am taking my sister's advice which is to take my feelings out of the situation.  I just go to work to pay my bills, then go home.

However, tonight when I came home from work around 7 pm I thought, "Is this what life is about?  Is this what we are suppose to be doing with our time?"  Now it's 11 pm, and I need to go to bed so I can get back up in the morning to get ready for work.....again.  Vicious cycle.  I go to work, but I am not present, then I come home, watch TV, and go to bed.  Is there something else we are suppose to be doing?  I feel like we have all lost our sense of purpose. 

If we have to work why can't we all just enjoy our jobs?  I know why life can't be simple, but why can't it just be a little simpler than it is.  I know I'm not meant to know the answer to these questions.  And, that is fine.  I found this pin on Pinterest that helps in times like these.....

 

I'm quite obsessed with Josh Garrels' music right now so let me conclude with this... 

 

 

Farther along we'll know all about it
Farther along we'll understand why
So, cheer up my brothers, live in the sunshine
We'll understand this, all by and by

Tempted and tried, I wondered why
The good man died, the bad man thrives
And Jesus cries because he loves 'em both
We're all cast-aways in need of rope
Hangin' on by the last threads of our hope
In a house of mirrors full of smoke
Confusing illusions I've seen

Where did I go wrong, I sang along
To every chorus of the song
That the devil wrote like a piper at the gates
Leading mice and men down to their fates
But some will courageously escape
The seductive voice with a heart of faith
While walkin' that line back home

So much more to life than we've been told
It's full of beauty that will unfold
And shine like you struck gold my wayward son
That deadweight burden weighs a ton
Go down into the river and let it run
Wash away all the things you've done
Forgiveness alright

Farther along we'll know all about it
Farther along we'll understand why
So, cheer up my brothers, live in the sunshine
We'll understand this, all by and by

Still I get hard pressed on every side
Between the rock and a compromise
Like the truth and pack of lies fightin' for my soul
And I've got no place left go
'Cause I got changed by what I've been shown
More glory than the world has known
Keeps me ramblin' on

Skipping like a calf loosed from its stall
I'm free to love once and for all
And even when I fall I'll get back up
For the joy that overflows my cup
Heaven filled me with more than enough
Broke down my levees and my bluffs
Let the flood wash me

And one day when the sky rolls back on us
Some rejoice and the others fuss
'Cause every knee must bow and tongue confess
That the Son of God is forever blessed
His is the kingdom, we're the guests
So put your voice up to the test
Sing Lord, come soon

Farther along we'll know all about it
Farther along we'll understand why
So, cheer up my brothers, live in the sunshine
We'll understand this, all by and by

A little less talk, a little more action

Perhaps with healthy eating comes clarity. 

I'm on day four of my health reboot, and I see more distinctly.  I can see the bigger picture now.  As opposed to seeing my hardships which then I turned around, and fed with junk food.  It was a vicious cycle. 

I have had a sour approach to my life since I moved, and let me preempt this upcoming message by saying I naturally have a "glass half empty" mentality.  It's a daily struggle.  Doesn't mean it won't flare up again at some point.  Forgive me, but I am human. 

That is a beautiful segue to the epiphany that God handed me today.  We are all human.  We sin.  Jesus was the only human that ever accomplished a sin free life, even he was tempted.  He is what we are all striving to be.  It's all we can do to be Christ-like.  Try.  I have many non-Christian friends, and I struggle with thoughts of being a terrible example of what a Christian should be.  But aren't we all terrible examples?  Much like my addiction to junk food in constant battle with my desire to be healthy, our human nature is fighting to break free.  As Christians, it is all we can do to not let our human instincts flare up.  We surround ourselves with other believers.  We feed ourselves with the word of the only perfect one.  We try. 

So, all I can say to my non-Christian friends is....LOOK AWAY!  LOOK AWAY!

(Yes, I quoted Bridesmaids.  Like I said...human.)

This message stemmed from the sermon I've been listening to on the Sermon on the Mount.  I am going to add the link so maybe you can listen too on your next road trip or grocery store visit.  He speaks this idea much more eloquently than I ever could.

As Jane Austen once said...."I cannot speak well enough to be unintelligible." 

http://realityla.com/category/teachings/  (Start with The New Society: Living the Dream.)

There is so much more in his message than this but this was on my heart today, so I just had to share with the dear void.

"So, Goodnight, dear void."

Oh wait, one more thing.....my second week in LA I went to hear a guy play at Hotel Cafe in Hollywood.  You know that moment you hear a song or an artist and you stop and recognize, "My life is never going to be the same."?  It happened that night.  In the middle of Hotel Cafe in downtown Hollywood people were praising Jesus, and we ended the night with singing the hymn "I'll Fly Away."

................................................................................That was me. speechless.

I will leave you with this song that pretty much sums up the theme of this post.

In the eye of the beholder

“To look almost pretty is an acquisition of higher delight to a girl who has been looking plain for the first fifteen years of her life than a beauty from her cradle can ever receive.” ~Northanger Abbey

So, I I'm at peace with being single, for now, if it flares up again I am sure you will get to read all about it.  Onto the next phase of my life....getting the rest of this weight off. A dieting blog, if you will.  So, let's start at the very beginning; it's a very good place to start.  (Next to Jane Austen my favorite person is Julie Andrews, but no this blog will not suddenly change themes.)

I've been fat all my life...I remember in 2nd grade someone begged for me to tell them how much I weighed.  That was the first time I realized, "Oh.  I don't look normal."  From then on there were random names and several instances to remind me I was fat.  I was a fatty.  Thanks for the reminder universe.  I almost forgot. (sarcasm, btw)

All my life, "I am starting a new diet Monday.  I am trying something new this week."  I know my friends rolled their eyes.  One diet worked when I was about 15...The Mayo Clinic Diet.  As unhealthy as it was, I lost 20lbs in one month, but who can stand to eat drink grapefruit juice three times a day, and eat a diet that consisted of mostly: eggs, bacon, and hamburger patties.  I kept it off for about a year, then we moved yet again, and back up it went.  If you haven't guessed by now....I am an emotional eater.  Pretty sure I have written about it before.  I never thought I was a stressed out person until I changed my eating habits, then I discovered I was numbing my stress with food. 

About two years ago I was thinking back on the Mayo Clinic Diet.  Although, that diet was very high in fat, it has some good points.  So, I cultivated a diet based on Mayo Clinic.  Something I knew I could stick to.  I was planning to do it a month, but it was so easy.  I lost 13 lbs in the first month, and I continued to do it until the first 50lbs fell off.  I didn't really exercise the first 6 months because I wanted to make sure I really had it together.  Over the summer after the first year I struggled.  I'd gain some, I'd lose some.  I gained about 6 lbs in about 2 months, so I hit it hard again and lost 20 more before Thanksgiving.  Then I took a long break.  Uh oh.  After Christmas I weighed.  Gained the 20 back.  Yeah, I can do that.  You don't understand.  I have no stopping point.  I will eat til I am almost throwing up.  There is never a happy medium with me.  Not when I am off my diet. 

So, here we go again.  Sometime after Christmas, I got back on it.  Lost more weight, but never quite got back down to where I was before Thanksgiving.  Also, I was working out the entire year, except those two months when I gained that 20lbs. 

And, here I am now.  Last time I weighed was May.  I was about 5 lbs away from my smallest weight.  However, then I went to Alaska in June and never quite got back on my diet hard core.  Now I am living in the emotional roller coaster that is Los Angeles, and my diet attention span last about 3 days at the most.  I've lost that motivation and discipline I had in the beginning. 

I was telling my roommate tonight (shout out to Kylie!) that motivation was easy in the first year because the weight came off so easily.  I'd get on the scale in the morning, and I would have lost a pound which kept me motivated for that day because I wanted the same result the following.

Now I have stopped exercising, and I have no idea how much weight I have gained because I no longer have a scale. 

When I was my smallest, I had 18 lbs left to lose to reach my goal weight.  EIGHTEEN POUNDS!  That is nothing.  Now it's more like 40!  Dang me!  Just dang me!  Holla if ya feel me!

Here is why I am going on with this mundane information.  I need to find my mojo,my diet mojo!  Perhaps blogging about it will grant me the encouragement I need.  So here I am......come back to me mojo.  Come back.

I am going to start all over again tomorrow.  Well, today.  It's 1:00 am.  So, today is a new day.  I will probably not start working out hard core again until I get this food conundrum figured out.  Yoga and Pilates for me it is!  Wish me luck. 

Quick Succession

This is the last of my unpublished entries.  I wrote this one just the other day.  My entries may become fewer and farer between.

“It could have all turned out differently, I suppose.  But it didn’t.”  ~Mansfield Park

What if Jane had married one of her rumored admirers?  What if she had children and became too busy to pen her thoughts?  Would she have been happy?  Would she always feel that there was a missing piece in her life?  A Novel shaped hole in her heart? 

That is a semblance of how I have felt all my life.  I love the question now that I have moved…”What brings you to California?”  “Trying to find a life; my place in this world.”  Not many people know what to do with that information, by the way.

I felt I have always known who I am.  I don’t believe I have many delusions about who I am as a person, but I do feel I am wandering around trying to find my purpose.  I know what I want to do, but it seems a difficult task, that I wonder if I will ever achieve.   If my passion is not the intention for my life; why am I here?  And I don’t mean in LA; I mean, in this world? 

As a Christian, I understand my purpose in life is to be a light for God, to walk with Him daily, and to be an example.  But what do I do in the meantime?  What do I do with my life?  What is my purpose?  When does my life begin?  I have been waiting thus far for my life to start. 

Losing my weight didn’t do it and moving to LA hasn’t done it.  I hope my subconscious isn’t thinking a man will do it because it doesn’t look like that is going to happen.  I like to think I know better. 

I do know I have felt I was going in the right direction when I was working towards something.  As if, the sense of accomplishment is what life is about.  What happens once you’ve accomplished that goal?  Move on to the next?  Is that what we strive for in our everyday lives?   Is that the definition of a Servant’s Heart?  Is that what He meant?  Is that what we are supposed to do with our time here?

You know my sister told me that she has come to the realization that we are never going to be satisfied here on the earth, because this is not where we are supposed to be.  We will always be looking for a sense of fulfillment while we are physically alive.  Is that my answer?  If it can be confirmed, I will try to wrap my mind around it; I just need the validation.

You know where I’ll be while I wait.

“The two most important days in your life are the day you were born, and the day you find out why.” ~Mark Twain

 

Where did I put that checklist?

“Oh, you have standards, pet. I hope they help you on with your coat when you're 70.” ~Lost in Austen

My Mother told me the other day to lower my expectations, that I will not marry Tim Tebow.  Trying to cheer me up; it backfired.  This was a sensitive subject at the moment.  Why must I lower my standards when Tim Tebow does exist?  Although, the actual Tim Tebow (or Big Business, as I like to call him) would be nice, I am under no delusion that I am going to marry Big Business himself…probably.  The idea of him rather, is what interests me; the idea that there are actual men out there.  And by men, I mean MEN; Godly, big, strong, manly men.   

They seem to be few and far between but Big Business proves that nice guys DO exist!  So, what is so wrong with having high standards?  Isn't lowering your standards a lack of faith?  I think I would rather stay single than settle.

I am not turning down the chance to ever be married and have kids.  If the opportunity presents itself and Opportunity is devilishly handsome, I would be more than willing to accept.  In the case that he can’t find me because I am much too busy living my own life, it will be OK.  I have me.  

I am a lone reed

I have been a selfish being all my life, in practice, though not in principle." ~Jane Austen

There comes a time in a girl’s life when she has to make a decision which path her life will take.  Once again, I have come to that proverbial fork in the road.  Much like Jane’s decision to live by her pen, I too have decided to disregard the rule; the rule that we are to get married and have kids.  That “rule” has not changed.  Not in over 200 years.  Again, I find myself in a two-seater boat with Jane sitting next to me.  I like to think that these two independent women have so much in common that we stay in that boat all day talking over all kinds of fascinating topics.  We are best friends that missed each other by a couple of centuries. 

Since, I never had the chance to meet my bestie, Jane; I have decided I am in a One Woman Wolf pack.  I will no longer be lonely, because I always have myself.  Great if someone wants to join me every now and then; but I will no longer be disappointed in anyone but myself.  I cannot control anyone but myself.  It is much too exhausting waiting on others, and I am not a patient person to begin.  I rebuke the lonely thoughts of “What is wrong with me?  Why doesn’t anyone want to be around me?”  Those thoughts no longer exist in me because they will never be answered, and I am wasting precious me time dwelling on something I cannot control.  But I can control me.  I can control my habits.  I can control my time.  I can control my pen.

I am aware that most of these posts come from a place of selfishness, and I am working on that.  Becoming unselfish is not a lesson easily learned.  There are no guidelines for this sort of thing. 

I am also aware that most of these problems and issues I've dealt with over the past four years would be cured with a little less self-absorption.  I get it; the problem is not lost on me.  I also wonder if dwelling too long on becoming unselfish defeats the purpose, no?

"Selfishness must always be forgiven, you know, because there is no hope for a cure." ~Mansfield Park

This subject deserves three quotes.....

"Nothing is more deceitful than the appearance of humility. It is often only carelessness of opinion, and sometimes an indirect boast." ~Jane Austen

A Tale of Two Sisters

May I take this moment to digress from my Jane Austen ongoing theme and bring up a topic inspired by the incomparable Grey’s Anatomy?  I have noticed in my life that we come in pairs.  We spend our entire lives looking for our other half; our match.  Lately, I have wondered if I will ever be a part of a duo, not necessarily a romantic companion; anyone that shares your thoughts.  That has your back, if you will. 

In Grey’s Anatomy, Christina had been acting strangely because she thinks her husband is cheating on her.  Meredith pulls her into the supply closet and asks, “What’s the plan?  Your plan?  Which makes it our plan?”  When I watched this episode, I was overwhelmed with the sense of loneliness.  I want someone to be the Meredith to my Christina; to be my person.

Every time I think I found that person, I lose them.  Lose them to another friend, better friend, more tolerable friend, or I lose them to a boyfriend or spouse.  I get it, most people get married, and friendships are never the same once that happens because that guy becomes your “person”, but take care, we need to keep that person close even when in relationships.

“Friendship is certainly the finest balm for the pangs of disappointed love.” ~Jane Austen

We don’t know exactly know how Jane’s tales of woe played out, but undoubtedly her sister Cassandra was her go-to person, and most likely Jane was Cassandra’s Meredith when her fiancé died.

So the question is: why can’t this sister keep a friend?  Am I just one of those ridiculous people that don’t realize it?  Am I incapable? 

Et tu, Edmund?

But let me observe that all histories are against you--all stories, prose and verse. If I had such a memory as Benwick, I could bring you fifty quotations in a moment on my side the argument, and I do not think I ever opened a book in my life, which had not something to say upon woman's inconstancy. Songs and proverbs, all talk of woman's fickleness. But perhaps you will say, these were all written by men." ~Persuasion

Woman’s fickleness? What about man’s weakness? I do not think I have ever watched a movie in my life, which did not have a man cheating, flirting, or being tempted by a woman with only her looks to recommend her.

I don’t have much experience with men other than what my screen tells me. What about the man that eloped with his fiancé even after she did not show up to the wedding shower his mother threw for her, then did not return anyone’s call weeks before the wedding? Now they are married? Really? After she treated you like that?

This thought was born when I watched Miss Pettigrew lives for a Day this morning, when I woke up too early. Cirian Hind’s character is supposed to be a stand up man, someone we are all supposed to hope ends up with our heroine; but I wonder if he is good enough for her? Why would he be involved with a scandalous younger girl that he suspects is only after his connections? Yet she wooed him back even after he met our Miss Pettigrew. It is not unlike what a woman would do, I suppose. Run back to a man, if he only apologizes, because I guess we all just want to feel loved and needed. But what if we wait? What if we breathe? What if we think? Let the right one come to us? Or would we all just be sitting back waiting? No one would ever search. We would miss each other.

Even Jane wrote a situation such as this. Edmund. Our beloved Edmund. Maybe my favorite of Austen's love interests. What did he see in Mary Crawford, other than her looks? Could someone as lovely as Edmund really imagine himself in love with someone like that? But you cannot argue that all these stories were all written by one sex because they were not. So both see how weak and inconsistent men can be, more so than woman, arguably.

What could he possibly see in Jane Fairfax?

“Hmm, you dismiss her beauty and good nature, yet I would be very much mistaken, if your sex in general, does not think those claims the highest a woman could possess!”

Am I the only sane girl in the world or am I the only disgusting girl?

My biggest grievance when it comes to girls and making new friends, besides her apparent love for Marilyn Monroe, is when getting to know me she asks me if I have a boyfriend. I would love to answer her by saying, “No! I have a life.” I suppose that is not the best way to start out at a new job. How is that your way of getting to know someone? She couldn’t have asked, “What’s your story? What do you want in life? What are your hopes and dreams?”

The girl of whom I speak is not one particular girl, she is the proverbial girl. She has Marilyn Monroe posters in her room and OK on her coffee table. She’s never read Jane Austen but “has watched” the Keira Knightly movie. She was in a Sorority and lets her boyfriend dictate what she wears. This girl always has a boyfriend, and I continue asking, “How?” While THIS girl never has a boyfriend and has never had a boyfriend; why?

In my Jane Austen filled head a man says something like this, “Men of sense, whatever you may say, do not want silly wives!” But perhaps you will say, these were all written by Jane!

In my real life boys say, “What does she look like?”

Who is this proverbial guy with the proverbial girl? He’s probably not even worth this whole spiel. He probably wouldn’t even interest me. He’s probably perfect for her.

Is that all there is to life? To men? Nothing more than looks and frivolity? Is there any guy out there that is looking for more? Am I going to have to settle for a divorced or widowed man? Maybe the guy with damaged goods will have learned what is more important in life.

“Maybe it is our imperfections which make us so perfect for one another.” ~Emma

To stay single or to not stay single, the latter is not really an option.

Luisa Musgrove knows what I’m talking about

This is one of my favorite lessons I learned.  I feel like my progress is finally showing.  It was all complaining for awhile, now time for growth.

“A watched pot never boils.”

Not a Jane quote obviously but as I was impatiently watching a pot of lukewarm water this saying popped into my head and I thought…Well that is not necessarily true is it? A watched pot does boil, and it takes just as long as it would have if you were not watching it.  However, if you were patient and found constructive activities to occupy your time while waiting it wouldn’t feel like any time at all.

With all that being said, I related this to men and finding “the” guy.

I have a friend who dwells on the fact that she is single, asks God daily “What is wrong with me that no one wants me?” And she has asked me on more than one occasion how I am OK with being single?

A. She hasn’t read this or she would know that I am not always OK.

B. I have always wanted to say to her that I don’t always dwell on it. I find other things to do and think about.

He’s coming. He is coming at the exact same speed and timing he was always going to come. Have faith. Live your life.

“Your life is an occasion, rise to it.”  ~Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium

Don’t sit around and watching the pot full of water. It will boil so just go write a screenplay or travel, he’ll be there when you get back!

A Fanny and Edward kind of love

This old entry is my Northanger Abbey.  I don't love this post, but it has a few good points that I wanted to share. 

“Happiness in marriage is entirely a matter of chance.”

So because I can no longer dwell on my flaws and why I can’t seem to attract anyone, I am going to have faith that it will happen and begin searching what kind of guy I want. I was watching a movie the other night…OK! It was Valentine’s Day. I am ashamed of myself. I don’t need your judgment, I judge myself enough for everyone. Anyway, Ashton Kutcher’s character asked George Lopez’s character how he and his wife worked and George say, “I married my best friend.”

Cheesy I know but it simple things that make girls like me melt. I thought, “I want to marry my best friend.”  I will need a guy best friend first but I am sure my lack of them has to do with my fear of men. Think about that. How wonderful that would be to be married to your favorite person in the world? The person you tell everything to. The person you go to when you had a bad day or a good day.  When you hear a funny joke?  Or when you need to talk about life or religion or whatever?  He’s the person that you laugh the most with and have the most fun with. And when you fight with the one you love, even though you are angry with him, you still go to him to be comforted by him because he is your best friend and knows you better than anyone.

That is what I long for. That is just the sort of thing I like. Maybe that is why no one has asked me out, not because there is something wrong with me but fate is prepping my best friend. He is not seasoned yet.

I love to laugh, and I like for people to laugh at me in their turn. I want him (the best friend that I would call to see what he is doing or to hang out when I am bored) to be my husband. Not JUST my husband but to get to hang out with my best friend every day for the rest of my life, that is what I want.

When best friends are in love it is an enjoyable relationship to watch. It is a different relationship than others have; there is always so much laughter.

“I pay very little regard...to what any young person says on the subject of marriage. If they profess a disinclination for it, I only set it down that they have not yet seen the right person.”