Robert Martin had cojones

"Do not consider me now as an elegant female intending to plague you, but as a rational creature speaking the truth from her heart.”  ~Pride and Prejudice

Am I alone in that dream in which an adorable specimen of a man spots you from across the room, walks towards you, introduces himself, and you live happily ever after?  You don't hear of it actually happening often, and of course when you do it is at said couples Wedding or Anniversary because the men that have the balls to do such a thing have already done it.  They fall in the "good ones have all been taken" category, I suppose. 

So here we are ladies.  Stuck out here with the lazy ones.  Or the cocky ones, that think they are the ones to be spotted from across the room.  When did this become the norm?  The girls do the hunting.  I blame Gidget's friends.  The hoochie mamas that made her go on a man hunt.  They started the movement.  Bitches.

I was just discussing with my friend that I suppose if I ever want life to start being different than it has always been I will have to take myself out of my comfort-zone.  I don't necessarily mean dating either.  Just a different life.  I am not one to go to an unknown place without a companion by my side.  Someone who shares in my awkwardness.  Someone I can hide behind when the situation warrants shelter.  Perhaps it's time to be independent.  I don't like it, but I guess it's time.

I have never been very aggressive in my pursuit for the things I want. Yeah, Yeah, moving to LA is very courageous. I've heard it before, but it does not mean I am a courageous person. I lack the aggression to take what I want. I am a dreamer, not a doer. So, last week I took a chance, and answered an ad on craigslist. Ah, Scary. You know when you are applying for a job or in this case answering an ad and you know it's going to work out. You know when you just know; is basically what I am saying? I answered this ad for production company looking for people that have never been able to accomplish their dreams and would like the help of a life coach. Much like the roommate in Bridesmaids, when offered a free tattoo from the guy in a van, I said, "Sure." They are interviewing people to put on a possible web series. The producer called me today to interview and to set up an interview with a life coach. It JUST GOT INTERESTING! So, who knows what this person is going to try to pull out of the old noodle to help me accomplish my dreams. I'll keep ya posted, but you knew that already, didn't you?

Thank you for reading my ramblings.  You know what Jane says, "Those who do not complain are never pittied."

Rubs and Disappointments

“There will be little rubs and disappointments everywhere, and we are all apt to expect too much; but then, if one scheme of happiness fails, human nature turns to another; if the first calculation is wrong, we make a second better: we find comfort somewhere . . .” ~Jane Austen

 

In this vast and populated city of Los Angeles, one can easily get  lost in the sea of cars and people.  In a place you would think would be busier and more exciting than a tiny (in comparison) town in Arkansas, I couldn't feel more alone.  As I sit here in the dark, with cancelled plans, and Josh Garrels playing, I am thankful I have this great void that is the Internet to let my thoughts rest. 

 

Is this what every one's life is like?  Or am I destined to be a hermit?  How does one grow out of their hermit tendencies? 

 

Granted I have only been here for almost two months.  How many friends can one make in two months?  Don't answer that.  That was a rhetorical question.  I am sure more than I am pretending to be natural. 

 

I truly believe we never really know ourselves until we move away from our comfort zone.  Once you are taken out of that sense of complacency you discover how courageous or how destitute you really are.  You find out where you turn when times get lonely.  And you find out who you can turn to when times get lonely.  It's not just a personal test.  It's a test of loyalty. 

 

I often wonder if Jane Austen preferred her written characters to real characters? If she would rather stay in all day writing not only because she enjoyed writing but she enjoyed creating her own storyline and outcome? Where good can come to those who deserve it and the wicked get what is owed them? It doesn't always work like that in real life. Undeserving girls marry great men, and the rich man isn't good. Did she write so she could feel like she was accomplishing the life she felt she was meant to lead? Feeling lonely that day? Write a love story. Angry that you are poor? Write a love story with a rich man.  There would be no disappointments, and if there were, they would be quickly rectified with her pen. 

 

Tonight, I am grateful for Jane Austen, Josh Garrels, and Jesus.

 

Would you like some cheese with that wine?

I'm having one of those...WHY THE HELL AM I HERE?....days.  I came home from a job I hate, (where I only earn enough money to pay my bills, while people from Sony Studios walk back and forth past the spa taunting me) to find a traffic violation.  Just one of the many joys of living in LA.  I wouldn't have had this issue if I moved to New York, but no, it wasn't time for me to move there.  It's one of those, "Why, God?", days.  You know? 

I know I have said it before, and I am saying it again....I am ready for my life to start!  As you may know, I was having a very tough time about two weeks ago, and I posted on Facebook that I wanted to just sleep and be awakened when a good movie comes out.  That's kind of how I feel my life has been playing out thus far, as if I am in the audience of everyone else's movie.

"You're suppose to be the leading lady in your own life, for God's sake!" ~The Holiday

I get to laugh, cry, feel the effects of friendship, but I don't get to participate. I just have to be happy for everyone else. Unless my own personal movie is one of those sad quiet movies that is more so a glimpse into someone's mundane life, and less like a RomCom.  I guess I should be thankful it isn't a Horror Film.  YET.  BUM BUM BUM! AHHHHH!

How does one crawl into the screen and start living?  Sort of opposite of the creepy girl in The Grudge? 

But, hey....on a happier note, I didn't reach for the ice cream when I discovered the ticket which was my first instinct; I had some decaf coffee instead.....then I blogged about it!

And on an even happier note, the state of California thinks I am 25, so that is what I am going with too.

If anyone asks.

So much on TV, so little time

I'm applying for new jobs everyday, and .......nothing.  God seems to want me to stay at this miserable job, but why?  I don't know the reason yet, and I probably won't until it's long behind me.  Until then, I am taking my sister's advice which is to take my feelings out of the situation.  I just go to work to pay my bills, then go home.

However, tonight when I came home from work around 7 pm I thought, "Is this what life is about?  Is this what we are suppose to be doing with our time?"  Now it's 11 pm, and I need to go to bed so I can get back up in the morning to get ready for work.....again.  Vicious cycle.  I go to work, but I am not present, then I come home, watch TV, and go to bed.  Is there something else we are suppose to be doing?  I feel like we have all lost our sense of purpose. 

If we have to work why can't we all just enjoy our jobs?  I know why life can't be simple, but why can't it just be a little simpler than it is.  I know I'm not meant to know the answer to these questions.  And, that is fine.  I found this pin on Pinterest that helps in times like these.....

 

I'm quite obsessed with Josh Garrels' music right now so let me conclude with this... 

 

 

Farther along we'll know all about it
Farther along we'll understand why
So, cheer up my brothers, live in the sunshine
We'll understand this, all by and by

Tempted and tried, I wondered why
The good man died, the bad man thrives
And Jesus cries because he loves 'em both
We're all cast-aways in need of rope
Hangin' on by the last threads of our hope
In a house of mirrors full of smoke
Confusing illusions I've seen

Where did I go wrong, I sang along
To every chorus of the song
That the devil wrote like a piper at the gates
Leading mice and men down to their fates
But some will courageously escape
The seductive voice with a heart of faith
While walkin' that line back home

So much more to life than we've been told
It's full of beauty that will unfold
And shine like you struck gold my wayward son
That deadweight burden weighs a ton
Go down into the river and let it run
Wash away all the things you've done
Forgiveness alright

Farther along we'll know all about it
Farther along we'll understand why
So, cheer up my brothers, live in the sunshine
We'll understand this, all by and by

Still I get hard pressed on every side
Between the rock and a compromise
Like the truth and pack of lies fightin' for my soul
And I've got no place left go
'Cause I got changed by what I've been shown
More glory than the world has known
Keeps me ramblin' on

Skipping like a calf loosed from its stall
I'm free to love once and for all
And even when I fall I'll get back up
For the joy that overflows my cup
Heaven filled me with more than enough
Broke down my levees and my bluffs
Let the flood wash me

And one day when the sky rolls back on us
Some rejoice and the others fuss
'Cause every knee must bow and tongue confess
That the Son of God is forever blessed
His is the kingdom, we're the guests
So put your voice up to the test
Sing Lord, come soon

Farther along we'll know all about it
Farther along we'll understand why
So, cheer up my brothers, live in the sunshine
We'll understand this, all by and by

A little less talk, a little more action

Perhaps with healthy eating comes clarity. 

I'm on day four of my health reboot, and I see more distinctly.  I can see the bigger picture now.  As opposed to seeing my hardships which then I turned around, and fed with junk food.  It was a vicious cycle. 

I have had a sour approach to my life since I moved, and let me preempt this upcoming message by saying I naturally have a "glass half empty" mentality.  It's a daily struggle.  Doesn't mean it won't flare up again at some point.  Forgive me, but I am human. 

That is a beautiful segue to the epiphany that God handed me today.  We are all human.  We sin.  Jesus was the only human that ever accomplished a sin free life, even he was tempted.  He is what we are all striving to be.  It's all we can do to be Christ-like.  Try.  I have many non-Christian friends, and I struggle with thoughts of being a terrible example of what a Christian should be.  But aren't we all terrible examples?  Much like my addiction to junk food in constant battle with my desire to be healthy, our human nature is fighting to break free.  As Christians, it is all we can do to not let our human instincts flare up.  We surround ourselves with other believers.  We feed ourselves with the word of the only perfect one.  We try. 

So, all I can say to my non-Christian friends is....LOOK AWAY!  LOOK AWAY!

(Yes, I quoted Bridesmaids.  Like I said...human.)

This message stemmed from the sermon I've been listening to on the Sermon on the Mount.  I am going to add the link so maybe you can listen too on your next road trip or grocery store visit.  He speaks this idea much more eloquently than I ever could.

As Jane Austen once said...."I cannot speak well enough to be unintelligible." 

http://realityla.com/category/teachings/  (Start with The New Society: Living the Dream.)

There is so much more in his message than this but this was on my heart today, so I just had to share with the dear void.

"So, Goodnight, dear void."

Oh wait, one more thing.....my second week in LA I went to hear a guy play at Hotel Cafe in Hollywood.  You know that moment you hear a song or an artist and you stop and recognize, "My life is never going to be the same."?  It happened that night.  In the middle of Hotel Cafe in downtown Hollywood people were praising Jesus, and we ended the night with singing the hymn "I'll Fly Away."

................................................................................That was me. speechless.

I will leave you with this song that pretty much sums up the theme of this post.

In the eye of the beholder

“To look almost pretty is an acquisition of higher delight to a girl who has been looking plain for the first fifteen years of her life than a beauty from her cradle can ever receive.” ~Northanger Abbey

So, I I'm at peace with being single, for now, if it flares up again I am sure you will get to read all about it.  Onto the next phase of my life....getting the rest of this weight off. A dieting blog, if you will.  So, let's start at the very beginning; it's a very good place to start.  (Next to Jane Austen my favorite person is Julie Andrews, but no this blog will not suddenly change themes.)

I've been fat all my life...I remember in 2nd grade someone begged for me to tell them how much I weighed.  That was the first time I realized, "Oh.  I don't look normal."  From then on there were random names and several instances to remind me I was fat.  I was a fatty.  Thanks for the reminder universe.  I almost forgot. (sarcasm, btw)

All my life, "I am starting a new diet Monday.  I am trying something new this week."  I know my friends rolled their eyes.  One diet worked when I was about 15...The Mayo Clinic Diet.  As unhealthy as it was, I lost 20lbs in one month, but who can stand to eat drink grapefruit juice three times a day, and eat a diet that consisted of mostly: eggs, bacon, and hamburger patties.  I kept it off for about a year, then we moved yet again, and back up it went.  If you haven't guessed by now....I am an emotional eater.  Pretty sure I have written about it before.  I never thought I was a stressed out person until I changed my eating habits, then I discovered I was numbing my stress with food. 

About two years ago I was thinking back on the Mayo Clinic Diet.  Although, that diet was very high in fat, it has some good points.  So, I cultivated a diet based on Mayo Clinic.  Something I knew I could stick to.  I was planning to do it a month, but it was so easy.  I lost 13 lbs in the first month, and I continued to do it until the first 50lbs fell off.  I didn't really exercise the first 6 months because I wanted to make sure I really had it together.  Over the summer after the first year I struggled.  I'd gain some, I'd lose some.  I gained about 6 lbs in about 2 months, so I hit it hard again and lost 20 more before Thanksgiving.  Then I took a long break.  Uh oh.  After Christmas I weighed.  Gained the 20 back.  Yeah, I can do that.  You don't understand.  I have no stopping point.  I will eat til I am almost throwing up.  There is never a happy medium with me.  Not when I am off my diet. 

So, here we go again.  Sometime after Christmas, I got back on it.  Lost more weight, but never quite got back down to where I was before Thanksgiving.  Also, I was working out the entire year, except those two months when I gained that 20lbs. 

And, here I am now.  Last time I weighed was May.  I was about 5 lbs away from my smallest weight.  However, then I went to Alaska in June and never quite got back on my diet hard core.  Now I am living in the emotional roller coaster that is Los Angeles, and my diet attention span last about 3 days at the most.  I've lost that motivation and discipline I had in the beginning. 

I was telling my roommate tonight (shout out to Kylie!) that motivation was easy in the first year because the weight came off so easily.  I'd get on the scale in the morning, and I would have lost a pound which kept me motivated for that day because I wanted the same result the following.

Now I have stopped exercising, and I have no idea how much weight I have gained because I no longer have a scale. 

When I was my smallest, I had 18 lbs left to lose to reach my goal weight.  EIGHTEEN POUNDS!  That is nothing.  Now it's more like 40!  Dang me!  Just dang me!  Holla if ya feel me!

Here is why I am going on with this mundane information.  I need to find my mojo,my diet mojo!  Perhaps blogging about it will grant me the encouragement I need.  So here I am......come back to me mojo.  Come back.

I am going to start all over again tomorrow.  Well, today.  It's 1:00 am.  So, today is a new day.  I will probably not start working out hard core again until I get this food conundrum figured out.  Yoga and Pilates for me it is!  Wish me luck. 

Quick Succession

This is the last of my unpublished entries.  I wrote this one just the other day.  My entries may become fewer and farer between.

“It could have all turned out differently, I suppose.  But it didn’t.”  ~Mansfield Park

What if Jane had married one of her rumored admirers?  What if she had children and became too busy to pen her thoughts?  Would she have been happy?  Would she always feel that there was a missing piece in her life?  A Novel shaped hole in her heart? 

That is a semblance of how I have felt all my life.  I love the question now that I have moved…”What brings you to California?”  “Trying to find a life; my place in this world.”  Not many people know what to do with that information, by the way.

I felt I have always known who I am.  I don’t believe I have many delusions about who I am as a person, but I do feel I am wandering around trying to find my purpose.  I know what I want to do, but it seems a difficult task, that I wonder if I will ever achieve.   If my passion is not the intention for my life; why am I here?  And I don’t mean in LA; I mean, in this world? 

As a Christian, I understand my purpose in life is to be a light for God, to walk with Him daily, and to be an example.  But what do I do in the meantime?  What do I do with my life?  What is my purpose?  When does my life begin?  I have been waiting thus far for my life to start. 

Losing my weight didn’t do it and moving to LA hasn’t done it.  I hope my subconscious isn’t thinking a man will do it because it doesn’t look like that is going to happen.  I like to think I know better. 

I do know I have felt I was going in the right direction when I was working towards something.  As if, the sense of accomplishment is what life is about.  What happens once you’ve accomplished that goal?  Move on to the next?  Is that what we strive for in our everyday lives?   Is that the definition of a Servant’s Heart?  Is that what He meant?  Is that what we are supposed to do with our time here?

You know my sister told me that she has come to the realization that we are never going to be satisfied here on the earth, because this is not where we are supposed to be.  We will always be looking for a sense of fulfillment while we are physically alive.  Is that my answer?  If it can be confirmed, I will try to wrap my mind around it; I just need the validation.

You know where I’ll be while I wait.

“The two most important days in your life are the day you were born, and the day you find out why.” ~Mark Twain