Life is Hard

I'm having one of those ugly days.....um...weeks.  The anxiety has even infiltrated my dreams.  Jon Snow, my boyfriend was disinterested in one dream.  I cried while I dreamt the next night because no one ever wanted to date me so I must truly be ugly.  In the same dream, I peed all over myself in the bathroom.  What does that have to do with feeling insecure?  I read once that dreaming there are complications while needing to use the restroom means there are areas in your life you feel of which you don't have control.  BINGO.

I shouldn't be feeling this way...losing weight, getting fit doing Insanity. 

Maybe it all started with a failed phone interview with NFL studios for a freelance PA because I always say the wrong thing.  Maybe a little of the lack of sleep from working a few different jobs is affecting my mental state.  Maybe a smidgen of people treating you like dirt because you merely work retail because being treated like a dog makes you feel like a dog.  Maybe a fraction of the fact everyone in your family is about to be married and you have never even been on a date.  Just maybe.  Common sense and faith in Jesus reminds me that he has this.  This is his to take, but there must be a weak link in the chain that Satan has found.  And he's a pulling at it.

The cure isn't just any Industry Job because God has that in his plans.  The cure isn't quitting all my jobs that bring in the bacon.....mmmmm bacon.  The cure isn't going on a date with just any guy; I only want one guy.....my guy.  The cure is being brave.

I know everything I'm doing is what I am suppose to be doing so all I can do is be brave.  I had the urge to watch Brave this morning.  Then I watched Sara Bareille's new video "Brave".  It seems to be the theme of the day.  The word God decided to give me to get through this little issue I am having.  Not little.  Not really. 

brave

 [ brayv ]  

 

 

1. having or showing courage: having or showing courage, especially when facing danger, difficulty, or pain

Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong. (1 Corinthians 16:13)

37 Seconds

It's been a while.  This is neither Weight Loss Wednesday nor Single Lady Saturday.  So we shall call it Message Monday....but really it is because I finally have time to write. 

I have been working every day...some days, three jobs a day to pay off debt.  This time next year I will be debt free.  I am prepared to work hard, and yes, I am working four jobs all while doing Insanity at 5 am.  Whew.  Life is hard.

In four weeks of Insanity I have lost 6 lbs but I look like I've lost 20.  My body is completely changing.  If you are willing to put in the hard work....Insanity works. 

I am still working through Made to Crave Participant's Guide.  I find that I am still going to food in times of stress/exhaustion.  Mostly exhaustion between the 4 jobs.  Impaired judgment from a sleepy brain.  However, all the working out from Insanity helps when I make bad food choices so mark that down as another pro for Insanity.  I actually can't believe that I am not at my goal weight because I feel strong and healthy.  I, also, can't believe I am only half way through and I have these results so far.  Can't wait for the next leg....and a little nervous.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled
Matthew 5:6

Next up, I would like to incorporate a little Single Lady Saturday.  I mentioned awhile back that God has revealed something to me about my future husband and I was immediately overcome with this peace.  However, a new kind of anxiety and hope has arisen.  Satan has been trying to tear down this peace that God has given me.  I have been praying a lot lately to speak truth into this anxiety.  Several times this weekend God has played the theme song he gave me, Mumford and Sons' "I Will Wait".  A song I haven't heard on the radio in awhile has played two different times, incidentally right after I said a prayer.  Also, played at work over the loud speaker, which has never played before and I haven't heard it since.  Last night, I prayed about my hope.  I feel that Satan is trying to taint my hopes.  This morning I read Romans 8, verse 25 says, "But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently."  I've said it before and I'll say it again....I was not blessed with the gift of patience.  He is teaching me an awesome lesson. 

YES, SIR!

I've used this quote before and I will probably use it again.  It's brilliant.

Molly Mahoney: Now, we wait.
Mr. Magorium: No. We breathe.  We pulse.  We regenerate.  Our hearts beat.  Our minds create.  Our souls ingest.  37 seconds, well used, is a lifetime.

I surrender all.

The Insanity has begun.  Pun Intended.

My back muscles are sore.  Muscles that have never been sore before.  EVER.

You've heard the story of someone struggling with an issue and something just "clicks"?  Suddenly they are cured or have a new perspective on life....that just happened!  I have all sorts of perspective going on.  I know now that I will never kick this food issue.  It will always be an issue.  It will always be a struggle.  Much like the recovering alcoholic surrounded by drinkers, I will always be faced with the temptation to eat what I should not.  Food is a more difficult issue to deal with because you have to eat.  You don't have to drink.  You don't have to use drugs, but you do have to eat to live.  With this realization, I know what I have to do....say goodbye to "cheat days".  Say "goodbye" to the mentality that I can have (insert sweet/junk food here) when I am skinny.  Say "goodbye" to hoarding sweets in my cupboard for when I need them.  Say "goodbye" to reward meals.  I am not a dog!  My sacrifice must be what I love to eat.  Why does it have to be food?  Why can't I indulge?  Because food is what I put on a pedestal, sadly.  The food that does not benefit me in any way.  Abraham was willing to sacrifice his son.  I can sacrifice what it is that gets me through good times and bad because it is my own fault that I covet it. 

It took me three months to go through the Made to Crave book.  Why?  Not because I am a slow reader....no, because I wasn't ready to give up what I hold dear.  Much like the rich man in Matthew 19:16-26. 

¹⁶ Just then a man came up to Jesus and asked, “Teacher, what good thing must I do to get eternal life?”
¹⁷ “Why do you ask me about what is good?” Jesus replied. “There is only One who is good. If you want to enter life, keep the commandments.”
¹⁸ “Which ones?” he inquired.
Jesus replied, “‘You shall not murder, you shall not commit adultery, you shall not steal, you shall not give false testimony, ¹⁹ honor your father and mother,’^[a] and ‘love your neighbor as yourself.’^[b]”
²⁰ “All these I have kept,” the young man said. “What do I still lack?”
²¹ Jesus answered, “If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.”
²² When the young man heard this, he went away sad, because he had great wealth.
²³ Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Truly I tell you, it is hard for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of heaven. ²⁴ Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God.”
²⁵ When the disciples heard this, they were greatly astonished and asked, “Who then can be saved?”
²⁶ Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”

I am ready now.  I am ready to treat my body like a temple.  I am ready to make my sacrifice in God's honor. After all he sacrificed his son for my salvation.

I am sure some of you are thinking, "Geez! Food is just food!", but it is my "thing".  I am not as distracted by other sins.  I don't have a problem with sex and alcohol, those are non-issues for me.  Sin is sin, and gluttony is a sin.  No more thinking, "Why can't I have a Kit Kat or two?  It's not fair."  No more.  I do it for Him. 

So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her. John 8:7

All wrongdoing is sin, and there is sin that does not lead to death. 1 John 5:17

Don't judge those who sin differently than you.

 

Standards, Expectations, and Values. Oh MY!

Since, God has given me my new found peace about my future dude, I was wondering if I would ever have another Single Lady Saturday post again, but whilst sitting here in my PJ's, drinking coffee, snuggled up to my 26 year old stuffed Fievel plush mouse, watching It's Complicated has me thinking about the guy that will replace my Fievel. 

I've decided the recipe for my perfect man is the jovial personality of John Krasinski in It's Complicated (or anything Big K is in, really), the virtues and honor of Jon Snow in Game of Thrones, and the quirks of Nick Miller from New Girl (also, his Grumpy Cat tendencies, but I don't know how that would mix with the jovial personality; who knows weirder things have happened).  I want the protective relationship of Lucius and Ivey in The Village and the disciplinarian, big brother type role of Mr. Knightly in Emma (may sound strange, but I want someone who makes me a better person), and loves Jesus like Tim Tebow.

I've been told to lower my expectations, but I say....."HAVE FAITH".

But really, this mouse is in good shape for his age, yes?

Insanity

Albert Einstein said, "Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over, but expecting different results." 

I have two choices In life.. Eat what I want, and go through the motions of life in a numb state; or deal with the issues that keep me in a rut, and overcome. There are those who live their lives trying to fill a void they may not even realize is there; but I choose to be one who strives to be a better person; daily. To actually fill in the hole no matter how difficult it is to lift the shovel.

Lo and Behold.....another Mumford and Sons' song that has paralleled something I am going through at this time.  This inner struggle of not wanting to let go of the thing that comforts me in times of struggle.  It's time to lay down my vices and become the person that I am meant to be.  Junk food stunts my growth.....you see what I did there? Pun Intended.

And since, by Einstein's definition of insanity, I have been acting quite insane over the past 3 years.  Eating healthy then turning to junk food in times of emotional turmoil, joy, celebration, boredom, and....(insert any emotion here), then getting back on my diet, and hoping to lose 10 lbs in a month.  Insane.  This is going to be the hardest thing I have ever done but I am ready to let go.  I am ready to work harder than I have ever worked for anything in my life......and speaking of insanity.

 

Like I said.....I am ready to work harder than I've ever worked in my life.

Weight Loss Sunday doesn't have the same ring

Weight Loss Wednesday.....is a little delayed.  And as for Single Saturday.....I have nothing new to contribute.  Especially now that I found peace with being single.  Although, I will say that my new found peace does not mean that old habits of denying the possibility of finding someone when a friend talks about me finding love have disappeared.  I asked forgiveness so I digress.

My friends were in town visiting last week and my hopes of eating healthy while they were here were shot to Hell.  I'm sure some are thinking, "Well those are special circumstances.  You should enjoy yourself."  Every allowance I make before I have kicked this food issue is hindering the progress.  I am sick of not being the person I intend to be. I keep waiting to turn into this person and life is passing me by! 

I wrote this bit tonight as a motivation to myself.  I decided to give myself pep-talks.  Talk some sense into myself.....

I am emotionally allergic to carbs and sugar. Everything in my body tells me to stop....my skin burns, my blood rushes, my body gets bigger, depression, stress, break outs...to name a few. Why do I put something in my body it hates? It's like I am a smoker. I look at smokers wondering why they do that to themselves.  Grossed out by the smoke and the stench on them; but honestly I feel the exact same way about myself. Why do I sacrifice long term happiness for short term happiness. Eat well....survive the mental torture for an hour or two but ultimately walk away feeling proud and healthier. Feel a moment or two of joy from something that tastes good and then hate myself for days...if not longer. Sugar ages me. Gives me psoriasis. Junk food makes me swell and look visibly and instantly puffy. I don't want to look puffy or older. My life hasn't started yet! When I do allow myself to eat junk, I eat and eat it and never feel satisfied. Like addicts who aren't satisfied with their drug of choice. Proof that it's God that I am not filling myself with and I am filling up with the wrong things. I want to be happy. I want to be that brave, fun loving girl I know I can be when my emotions and my body aren't controlled by food. I want to be free. I am allergic to sugar and junk food. I don't want it. It's disgusting; like a cigarette.

Time to make changes.  Long term changes.  I purchased Insanity this week.  I am scared and excited. 

I have also decided that if I pray before every meal; how much more accountable I will have to be for what I am about to put in my mouth.  I know, shame on me for not already praying but like food and exercise....praying, reading the Bible, and going to church take a lot of discipline.  It is easy to focus on the other tasks at hand. 

I understand if you want to stop reading my blog because it is very redundant but like a child....I am going to have to be repetitive to get this into my skull!

This is why I live in LA!

 

Winter is coming!

 

 

GAME OF THRONES, BABY!

 

Because he had a nice back.....that I touched.  No Bigs!

 

 

Photos courtesy of Sara Elander. 

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Kellan Lutz

Zachary Levi

Kit Harrington

Mathew Gray Gubler

Tom Hardy

Tim Tebow