An Edward in a haystack

I can say one good thing about not dating...I have no regrets.  If all of my crushes had worked out the way I hoped, I would have a pile of embarrassment.  Ew. 

"There are certainly not so many men of large fortune in the world, as there are pretty women to deserve them." ~Jane Austen


I don’t even know how to start this because I am ashamed of feeling this way. I hate having crushes. I hate them. And I especially hate them when they begin because you think that said guy likes you first. So essentially your feelings stem from something artificial because inevitably he doesn’t actually have feelings for you and you are left with another bad case of unrequited love.

And what if this particular instance the guy happens to be completely wonderful and attains attributes in a future husband you never knew you needed. He is thoughtful and kind and mature. He takes the time to get to know people and steps back to assess situations. He genuinely cares for people and wants them to succeed. What do I do when I recognize I want these attributes in a future husband but want to get over this crush because I know that he is not interested in me and I am sick of being hurt. I have been praying that I am coming to God in my daily devotion to be closer to Him and to make myself whole.  I don’t want to be doing it with a hidden agenda in hopes that someone will love me, but in the several weeks since I have begun my devotion, I have developed a crush. This isn’t fair. I am feeling attacked. I almost want to stop my devotion to prove I am not doing it for the wrong reasons. As I am writing this I guarantee that is what the Devil wants me to do. AHA! I have found you out, Satan. You will not prevail!

After my Mom called to ask who I was crushing on, I felt the need to add this reminder....the posts in a different font are old.

Down with the Bingley’s of the world!

Before I post my next Single Blog Entry, I wanted to tell you about yesterday.

First, I went to church to help my friend in the nursery. The innocence and joy of being around babies, lifted my spirits. In the evening I tried a church I've heard a few people talk about, Reality LA. Loved it. My new church. Also, I know I spoke about eating healthy, which I did, all day up until we discovered Pink's Hot Dogs was very near church. I have always wanted to go there. So I did. It was amazing. A Los Angeles rite of passage. Perhaps the reason I never felt at home here last time was due to my lack of Pink's Hot Dogs. Anywho, yesterday was a practice run, today is the first day of my diet. WINK. Yesterday was the start to a great week. I can feel it.


Charlotte: “Few of us are secure enough to be in love without proper encouragement. Bingley likes her enormously, but might not do more if she does not help him on.”

Elizabeth: “She's just shy. If he cannot perceive her regard, he is a fool.”

Charlotte: “We are all fools in love. He does not know her character as we do.”

I have been reading a book called Captivating, it says that women have three desires in life…to be romanced, to play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure, and to unveil beauty. When I gave it thought I came to the conclusion that I agree wholeheartedly with this statement. Everything I have ever done, felt, or said goes along with these three desires. I have also come to the conclusion that I have the wrong mindset. I have always believed that I put God first and the longing for a relationship second. Not true. I have discovered that my self-worth has been tied up into what everyone else thinks of me, or what I assume they think of me. This is not much considering I have never had a date. I was basing it on what I believe they (meaning boys) think of me and not what God thinks of me. And He thinks I am breathtaking. And a part of me says, “Well, He thinks that because He made you and that is what parents think of their kids.” Or did he make me because he knew I was going to BE breathtaking. He could have easily thrown me back so to say, when he realized I was just ordinary, but he chose to keep me around because I was extraordinary! I think once I get this embedded in my brain I will have a whole new perspective on life.

I also realized while reading this book that men today do not pursue. They used to, as we well know from every book Jane has written, they just sit around and wait to see who is coming after them. “If a woman is partial to a man, and does not endeavor to conceal it, he must find it out.” Not all men, there are some, and most likely, they are already married. I will not accept this. If it means I will not get married, so be it. That is fine. Especially with my new perspective on life, but God help me, in the words of Bethany Dillon, “I want to be pursued!” So Bingley’s of the world: who are shy and reserved and almost lose your women because of similar characteristics...MAN UP! Read a book on real men preferably written by a woman!

Here he comes to save the day

"But when a young lady is to be a heroine, the perverseness of forty surrounding families cannot prevent her. Something must and will happen to throw a hero in her way.” ~Northanger Abbey

So I finally understand why Jane wrote Northanger Abbey. Lets face it; it’s everyone’s least favorite book though I completely enjoy Mr. Tilney and his teasing manner but I never understood his attraction to the naive and immature Catherine Moreland.

But today I found myself in Catherine’s shoes. I came home from work and while making dinner I imagined a guy, any guy ringing my doorbell and confessing his undying love for me. Have I seen too many Romantic Comedies? Do things like that really ever happen? To anyone? I mean I know nothing ever turns out the way you plan, and our personal love stories cannot be imagined but I have to do or think of something to get me through the rest of my life. I just hope that I don’t get fearful of ending up alone and settle for the first guy I can force to propose. It’s getting so ridiculous that I am considering getting a dog or adopting a kid to secure that something or someone will love me one day. I need help or something else…

Fester, fester, fester....Rot, Rot, Rot

"It requires uncommon steadiness of reason to resist the attraction of being called the most charming girl in the world." ~Mansfield Park

Well, today was my day of mourning the loss of the job I wanted.  I've eaten my feelings and wallowed in my devastation, but today was all I get.  Tomorrow I will praise the Lord for opening the doors I haven't walked through yet, and Monday is a new day to find the right job for me!  Tomorrow is also the day I get back on my healthy eating regimen.  Eating badly hinders my good attitude, and my lack of exercise enables the sadness.  So here we go....even if I don't get the job I want; I will feel and look good.  That was really more of a pep-talk to myself. 

The real reason I decided to post this was to say, yes I am sad I didn't get the job I wanted but to also share what happened today.  I actually went to a Receptionist interview tonight at a Salon owned by a nice Indian woman.  She took me into the room and first complimented my eyes, "Your eyes are beautiful.  Are they blue or green?"  Then we talked about my former job at a Skin Spa, "Is that why your skin is so beautiful?"  We talked about pay and hours but they are not paying nearly what I need to pay my bills.  She told me to call her and let her know if I wanted to accept the job, and it's OK if it's a "No".  The employer doesn't always have to be the one that says, "No".  Then she said, "I like your personality, your skin, and your eyes."  As I walked away from the interview, I thought, God is so funny.  The other interview, I walked out feeling unworthy, feeling too fat, not trendy enough, well just not enough.  I left this interview feeling like I could take over the world! 

Am I Mr. Bennet or Mr. Darcy?

Several people have told me recently that I am negative, which I have always known about myself, well I thought I knew that about myself but the more I thought about it, the more I disagreed. Then I came across a Jane quote, and my outlook changed.

“There are few people whom I really love, and still fewer of whom I think well. The more I see of the world, the more am I dissatisfied with it; and every day conforms my belief of the inconsistency of all human characters, and of the little dependence that can be place on the appearance of merit or sense.” ~Jane Austen

I don’t have negative thoughts, I have hopeful thoughts, but I do get disappointed very easily. I have such high standards for people, and inevitably I am let down. Like our hero Darcy, my good opinion once lost is lost forever. So are they right? Am I Mr. Bennet, bitter of the hand I’ve been dealt and would rather make sport of everyone and everything to get through life than come to terms with my downfalls or am I Mr. Darcy, dejected by all human kind because of my moral rectitude, and my high standards are being misconstrued as negativity

Rejection never felt so good

Rejection is the theme of the week.  I didn't get the job I wanted.  What worries me is that I am not worried.  I didn't feel the sting of devastation I usually do when something doesn't turn out the way I hope.  Maybe it's the presence of God holding me.  Maybe it's due to watching A Snoodle's Tale today.  If you haven't ever watched it, you should.

Now you have no excuse.  I love the message in this video.  God's perception of us is the only one that matters.  It's the one we should carry with us.

I know how the story goes...I didn't get this job so God must have something else planned.  BUT....this paid so well and it was exactly what I wanted to do.  It's why I came to LA.  Now I am back to square 1......square not having a job. 

Until God opens a door, praise him in the hallway.

I must be ravishing.

I debated whether or not to even post this....the last few posts have all been very pessimistic, but hang in there it gets better.  I grow, I learn, I lose the weight. 

Jane, herself, knew there were far worse things than being single. A mercenary marriage is one of them.

Marriage in Jane’s day was more about status in society, some love, but mostly status. I feel that today statuses have been replaced with looks. Where a woman’s status would have gotten her noticed in the 19^thCentury, just being skinny is enough now. Not even pretty, just skinny. Thin does not pretty make. And maybe the men do fall in love with the unattractive skinny trollop eventually but what about us, lovable but are not thin enough to catch their attentions. We remain single. We are not even given the chance to be loved. I think I would be happier to remain single like Jane than to marry one of them! Let the Bitterness ensue.