Where did I put that checklist?

“Oh, you have standards, pet. I hope they help you on with your coat when you're 70.” ~Lost in Austen

My Mother told me the other day to lower my expectations, that I will not marry Tim Tebow.  Trying to cheer me up; it backfired.  This was a sensitive subject at the moment.  Why must I lower my standards when Tim Tebow does exist?  Although, the actual Tim Tebow (or Big Business, as I like to call him) would be nice, I am under no delusion that I am going to marry Big Business himself…probably.  The idea of him rather, is what interests me; the idea that there are actual men out there.  And by men, I mean MEN; Godly, big, strong, manly men.   

They seem to be few and far between but Big Business proves that nice guys DO exist!  So, what is so wrong with having high standards?  Isn't lowering your standards a lack of faith?  I think I would rather stay single than settle.

I am not turning down the chance to ever be married and have kids.  If the opportunity presents itself and Opportunity is devilishly handsome, I would be more than willing to accept.  In the case that he can’t find me because I am much too busy living my own life, it will be OK.  I have me.  

I am a lone reed

I have been a selfish being all my life, in practice, though not in principle." ~Jane Austen

There comes a time in a girl’s life when she has to make a decision which path her life will take.  Once again, I have come to that proverbial fork in the road.  Much like Jane’s decision to live by her pen, I too have decided to disregard the rule; the rule that we are to get married and have kids.  That “rule” has not changed.  Not in over 200 years.  Again, I find myself in a two-seater boat with Jane sitting next to me.  I like to think that these two independent women have so much in common that we stay in that boat all day talking over all kinds of fascinating topics.  We are best friends that missed each other by a couple of centuries. 

Since, I never had the chance to meet my bestie, Jane; I have decided I am in a One Woman Wolf pack.  I will no longer be lonely, because I always have myself.  Great if someone wants to join me every now and then; but I will no longer be disappointed in anyone but myself.  I cannot control anyone but myself.  It is much too exhausting waiting on others, and I am not a patient person to begin.  I rebuke the lonely thoughts of “What is wrong with me?  Why doesn’t anyone want to be around me?”  Those thoughts no longer exist in me because they will never be answered, and I am wasting precious me time dwelling on something I cannot control.  But I can control me.  I can control my habits.  I can control my time.  I can control my pen.

I am aware that most of these posts come from a place of selfishness, and I am working on that.  Becoming unselfish is not a lesson easily learned.  There are no guidelines for this sort of thing. 

I am also aware that most of these problems and issues I've dealt with over the past four years would be cured with a little less self-absorption.  I get it; the problem is not lost on me.  I also wonder if dwelling too long on becoming unselfish defeats the purpose, no?

"Selfishness must always be forgiven, you know, because there is no hope for a cure." ~Mansfield Park

This subject deserves three quotes.....

"Nothing is more deceitful than the appearance of humility. It is often only carelessness of opinion, and sometimes an indirect boast." ~Jane Austen

A Tale of Two Sisters

May I take this moment to digress from my Jane Austen ongoing theme and bring up a topic inspired by the incomparable Grey’s Anatomy?  I have noticed in my life that we come in pairs.  We spend our entire lives looking for our other half; our match.  Lately, I have wondered if I will ever be a part of a duo, not necessarily a romantic companion; anyone that shares your thoughts.  That has your back, if you will. 

In Grey’s Anatomy, Christina had been acting strangely because she thinks her husband is cheating on her.  Meredith pulls her into the supply closet and asks, “What’s the plan?  Your plan?  Which makes it our plan?”  When I watched this episode, I was overwhelmed with the sense of loneliness.  I want someone to be the Meredith to my Christina; to be my person.

Every time I think I found that person, I lose them.  Lose them to another friend, better friend, more tolerable friend, or I lose them to a boyfriend or spouse.  I get it, most people get married, and friendships are never the same once that happens because that guy becomes your “person”, but take care, we need to keep that person close even when in relationships.

“Friendship is certainly the finest balm for the pangs of disappointed love.” ~Jane Austen

We don’t know exactly know how Jane’s tales of woe played out, but undoubtedly her sister Cassandra was her go-to person, and most likely Jane was Cassandra’s Meredith when her fiancé died.

So the question is: why can’t this sister keep a friend?  Am I just one of those ridiculous people that don’t realize it?  Am I incapable? 

Et tu, Edmund?

But let me observe that all histories are against you--all stories, prose and verse. If I had such a memory as Benwick, I could bring you fifty quotations in a moment on my side the argument, and I do not think I ever opened a book in my life, which had not something to say upon woman's inconstancy. Songs and proverbs, all talk of woman's fickleness. But perhaps you will say, these were all written by men." ~Persuasion

Woman’s fickleness? What about man’s weakness? I do not think I have ever watched a movie in my life, which did not have a man cheating, flirting, or being tempted by a woman with only her looks to recommend her.

I don’t have much experience with men other than what my screen tells me. What about the man that eloped with his fiancé even after she did not show up to the wedding shower his mother threw for her, then did not return anyone’s call weeks before the wedding? Now they are married? Really? After she treated you like that?

This thought was born when I watched Miss Pettigrew lives for a Day this morning, when I woke up too early. Cirian Hind’s character is supposed to be a stand up man, someone we are all supposed to hope ends up with our heroine; but I wonder if he is good enough for her? Why would he be involved with a scandalous younger girl that he suspects is only after his connections? Yet she wooed him back even after he met our Miss Pettigrew. It is not unlike what a woman would do, I suppose. Run back to a man, if he only apologizes, because I guess we all just want to feel loved and needed. But what if we wait? What if we breathe? What if we think? Let the right one come to us? Or would we all just be sitting back waiting? No one would ever search. We would miss each other.

Even Jane wrote a situation such as this. Edmund. Our beloved Edmund. Maybe my favorite of Austen's love interests. What did he see in Mary Crawford, other than her looks? Could someone as lovely as Edmund really imagine himself in love with someone like that? But you cannot argue that all these stories were all written by one sex because they were not. So both see how weak and inconsistent men can be, more so than woman, arguably.

What could he possibly see in Jane Fairfax?

“Hmm, you dismiss her beauty and good nature, yet I would be very much mistaken, if your sex in general, does not think those claims the highest a woman could possess!”

Am I the only sane girl in the world or am I the only disgusting girl?

My biggest grievance when it comes to girls and making new friends, besides her apparent love for Marilyn Monroe, is when getting to know me she asks me if I have a boyfriend. I would love to answer her by saying, “No! I have a life.” I suppose that is not the best way to start out at a new job. How is that your way of getting to know someone? She couldn’t have asked, “What’s your story? What do you want in life? What are your hopes and dreams?”

The girl of whom I speak is not one particular girl, she is the proverbial girl. She has Marilyn Monroe posters in her room and OK on her coffee table. She’s never read Jane Austen but “has watched” the Keira Knightly movie. She was in a Sorority and lets her boyfriend dictate what she wears. This girl always has a boyfriend, and I continue asking, “How?” While THIS girl never has a boyfriend and has never had a boyfriend; why?

In my Jane Austen filled head a man says something like this, “Men of sense, whatever you may say, do not want silly wives!” But perhaps you will say, these were all written by Jane!

In my real life boys say, “What does she look like?”

Who is this proverbial guy with the proverbial girl? He’s probably not even worth this whole spiel. He probably wouldn’t even interest me. He’s probably perfect for her.

Is that all there is to life? To men? Nothing more than looks and frivolity? Is there any guy out there that is looking for more? Am I going to have to settle for a divorced or widowed man? Maybe the guy with damaged goods will have learned what is more important in life.

“Maybe it is our imperfections which make us so perfect for one another.” ~Emma

To stay single or to not stay single, the latter is not really an option.

Luisa Musgrove knows what I’m talking about

This is one of my favorite lessons I learned.  I feel like my progress is finally showing.  It was all complaining for awhile, now time for growth.

“A watched pot never boils.”

Not a Jane quote obviously but as I was impatiently watching a pot of lukewarm water this saying popped into my head and I thought…Well that is not necessarily true is it? A watched pot does boil, and it takes just as long as it would have if you were not watching it.  However, if you were patient and found constructive activities to occupy your time while waiting it wouldn’t feel like any time at all.

With all that being said, I related this to men and finding “the” guy.

I have a friend who dwells on the fact that she is single, asks God daily “What is wrong with me that no one wants me?” And she has asked me on more than one occasion how I am OK with being single?

A. She hasn’t read this or she would know that I am not always OK.

B. I have always wanted to say to her that I don’t always dwell on it. I find other things to do and think about.

He’s coming. He is coming at the exact same speed and timing he was always going to come. Have faith. Live your life.

“Your life is an occasion, rise to it.”  ~Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium

Don’t sit around and watching the pot full of water. It will boil so just go write a screenplay or travel, he’ll be there when you get back!

A Fanny and Edward kind of love

This old entry is my Northanger Abbey.  I don't love this post, but it has a few good points that I wanted to share. 

“Happiness in marriage is entirely a matter of chance.”

So because I can no longer dwell on my flaws and why I can’t seem to attract anyone, I am going to have faith that it will happen and begin searching what kind of guy I want. I was watching a movie the other night…OK! It was Valentine’s Day. I am ashamed of myself. I don’t need your judgment, I judge myself enough for everyone. Anyway, Ashton Kutcher’s character asked George Lopez’s character how he and his wife worked and George say, “I married my best friend.”

Cheesy I know but it simple things that make girls like me melt. I thought, “I want to marry my best friend.”  I will need a guy best friend first but I am sure my lack of them has to do with my fear of men. Think about that. How wonderful that would be to be married to your favorite person in the world? The person you tell everything to. The person you go to when you had a bad day or a good day.  When you hear a funny joke?  Or when you need to talk about life or religion or whatever?  He’s the person that you laugh the most with and have the most fun with. And when you fight with the one you love, even though you are angry with him, you still go to him to be comforted by him because he is your best friend and knows you better than anyone.

That is what I long for. That is just the sort of thing I like. Maybe that is why no one has asked me out, not because there is something wrong with me but fate is prepping my best friend. He is not seasoned yet.

I love to laugh, and I like for people to laugh at me in their turn. I want him (the best friend that I would call to see what he is doing or to hang out when I am bored) to be my husband. Not JUST my husband but to get to hang out with my best friend every day for the rest of my life, that is what I want.

When best friends are in love it is an enjoyable relationship to watch. It is a different relationship than others have; there is always so much laughter.

“I pay very little regard...to what any young person says on the subject of marriage. If they profess a disinclination for it, I only set it down that they have not yet seen the right person.”