Since, God has given me my new found peace about my future dude, I was wondering if I would ever have another Single Lady Saturday post again, but whilst sitting here in my PJ's, drinking coffee, snuggled up to my 26 year old stuffed Fievel plush mouse, watching It's Complicated has me thinking about the guy that will replace my Fievel.
I've decided the recipe for my perfect man is the jovial personality of John Krasinski in It's Complicated (or anything Big K is in, really), the virtues and honor of Jon Snow in Game of Thrones, and the quirks of Nick Miller from New Girl (also, his Grumpy Cat tendencies, but I don't know how that would mix with the jovial personality; who knows weirder things have happened). I want the protective relationship of Lucius and Ivey in The Village and the disciplinarian, big brother type role of Mr. Knightly in Emma (may sound strange, but I want someone who makes me a better person), and loves Jesus like Tim Tebow.
I've been told to lower my expectations, but I say....."HAVE FAITH".
But really, this mouse is in good shape for his age, yes?
Albert Einstein said, "Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over, but expecting different results."
I have two choices In life.. Eat what I want, and go through the motions of life in a numb state; or deal with the issues that keep me in a rut, and overcome. There are those who live their lives trying to fill a void they may not even realize is there; but I choose to be one who strives to be a better person; daily. To actually fill in the hole no matter how difficult it is to lift the shovel.
Lo and Behold.....another Mumford and Sons' song that has paralleled something I am going through at this time. This inner struggle of not wanting to let go of the thing that comforts me in times of struggle. It's time to lay down my vices and become the person that I am meant to be. Junk food stunts my growth.....you see what I did there? Pun Intended.
And since, by Einstein's definition of insanity, I have been acting quite insane over the past 3 years. Eating healthy then turning to junk food in times of emotional turmoil, joy, celebration, boredom, and....(insert any emotion here), then getting back on my diet, and hoping to lose 10 lbs in a month. Insane. This is going to be the hardest thing I have ever done but I am ready to let go. I am ready to work harder than I have ever worked for anything in my life......and speaking of insanity.
Like I said.....I am ready to work harder than I've ever worked in my life.
Weight Loss Wednesday.....is a little delayed. And as for Single Saturday.....I have nothing new to contribute. Especially now that I found peace with being single. Although, I will say that my new found peace does not mean that old habits of denying the possibility of finding someone when a friend talks about me finding love have disappeared. I asked forgiveness so I digress.
My friends were in town visiting last week and my hopes of eating healthy while they were here were shot to Hell. I'm sure some are thinking, "Well those are special circumstances. You should enjoy yourself." Every allowance I make before I have kicked this food issue is hindering the progress. I am sick of not being the person I intend to be. I keep waiting to turn into this person and life is passing me by!
I wrote this bit tonight as a motivation to myself. I decided to give myself pep-talks. Talk some sense into myself.....
I am emotionally allergic to carbs and sugar. Everything in my body tells me to stop....my skin burns, my blood rushes, my body gets bigger, depression, stress, break outs...to name a few. Why do I put something in my body it hates? It's like I am a smoker. I look at smokers wondering why they do that to themselves. Grossed out by the smoke and the stench on them; but honestly I feel the exact same way about myself. Why do I sacrifice long term happiness for short term happiness. Eat well....survive the mental torture for an hour or two but ultimately walk away feeling proud and healthier. Feel a moment or two of joy from something that tastes good and then hate myself for days...if not longer. Sugar ages me. Gives me psoriasis. Junk food makes me swell and look visibly and instantly puffy. I don't want to look puffy or older. My life hasn't started yet! When I do allow myself to eat junk, I eat and eat it and never feel satisfied. Like addicts who aren't satisfied with their drug of choice. Proof that it's God that I am not filling myself with and I am filling up with the wrong things. I want to be happy. I want to be that brave, fun loving girl I know I can be when my emotions and my body aren't controlled by food. I want to be free. I am allergic to sugar and junk food. I don't want it. It's disgusting; like a cigarette.
Time to make changes. Long term changes. I purchased Insanity this week. I am scared and excited.
I have also decided that if I pray before every meal; how much more accountable I will have to be for what I am about to put in my mouth. I know, shame on me for not already praying but like food and exercise....praying, reading the Bible, and going to church take a lot of discipline. It is easy to focus on the other tasks at hand.
I understand if you want to stop reading my blog because it is very redundant but like a child....I am going to have to be repetitive to get this into my skull!
It's single Saturday again; and you may not be surprised to know that I am in fact....still single.
But that is OK.
Instead of looking at every guy with fear and wonder...God has given me a peace. A peace that he has the exact guy for me; who will appear at the exact time he is supposed to and not a moment sooner. He's out there. There is nothing I can do to make it happen, and until then I am meant to live my life fulfilled by God with no other responsibilities to anyone.
I've always had this inclination that God didn't want me to tarnish my delicate nature by wasting time with any guy that wasn't the one he has planned for me. Last week he confirmed it. Although, a part of me wanted to know why I couldn't date......others do, which was unfair, but I am not others. I am me and I was meant for one guy. Not to share my thoughts and who knows what else with any man but my future husband. There is a longing in my heart that has been quieted. It's quite magical.
I am confident in one (don't really understand the expression, but I am going to use it) hell of a love story; after all.....God did create Jane Austen's talents.
"No. We breathe. We pulse. We regenerate. Our hearts beat. Our minds create. Our souls ingest. 37 seconds, well used, is a lifetime." ~Mr. Magorium
It’s Weight Loss Wednesday.
Since I failed to post in a while I will update you on a few lessons I've learned recently.
So to begin….I have been on and off my diet over the last
several weeks.As usual.I have lost the motivation that I once had
almost 3 or 4 years ago…I’ve lost track.Time to find it again.I am more
so trying to reset my mind, actually.I
have decided to incorporate a cheat day a week because it is more realistic and
a lifetime change; and that is how I have to look at it from now on…not a diet
but a lifestyle.As I’ve mentioned
before I am reading a book called Made to Crave (I know, I know…I am not
finished with it yet, but it is more of a workbook) to work through the
emotional tie to food that we all have.The change I have to make especially hit home last Saturday when I went
to Disneyland….yeah!Such a magical it
should have been but the mood was dismal when I couldn’t find anything
comfortable to wear.My dream outfit is
a t-shirt and jeans.A T-Shirt and
Jeans?Yes, a t-shirt and jeans.When you have been heavy all your
life…..feeling and looking cute in something simple is the greatest
accomplishment.That’s when I decided it
was over.Done.Feeling this way is something of the past.
Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it within us or we find it not. -Ralph Waldo Emerson
Chapter 10 is all about temptation....how appropriate! She said something very interesting about temptation..."It's not fair that God won't let us eat of the fruit of the tree in the middle of the garden.....one little bite wouldn't be so bad right?" That made me think of when I give into temptation not thinking of the long term consequences. Reminds me of the saying...."moment on the lips, lifetime on the hips". It's strange I don't see food that way when I am a "bigger picture" type person in everything else. I never smoked growing up because cancer. I never drank growing up because it could become an addiction. Never had sex because pregnancy and STDs (not that it was even an option). Interesting that I don't view food this way.
She said something in the book that brought to my attention that if I lose this weight...I will have a physical victory in Jesus name. A physical testimony!
Now that I am figuring out all of the emotional issues I have tied to food I am on to the next biggest hurdle which is my patience or lack there of. The journey to losing weight might be harder than overcoming the emotional ties to food. Why isn't it enough to work through the issues....then you have to work to lose what took all those years to pack on? UGH....patience. Stay tuned as I fight that battle daily. So often I say this prayer to God...."Dear God, Give me patience. And I am not talking about one of those lessons to test my patience. We both know I would fail that game.....because I don't have any....so I need to borrow yours. In Jesus Name." This week as I was listening to my Mumford and Sons CD which has rarely left my player since October I really listened to the lyrics of the song "I Will Wait".....I think he provided my theme song whilst I lose this weight.
Enjoy.
Well I came home Like a stone And I fell Heavy into your arms These days of dust, Wish we would've known, Will blow away with this new sun
But I’ll kneel down, wait for now I’ll kneel down, know my ground
I will wait, I will wait for you And I will wait, I will wait for you
So bring my step And relent, you forgave and I wont forget Know what we've seen And him with less knowing some way to shake the excess
I will wait, I will wait for you And I will wait, I will wait for you And I will wait, I will wait for you And I will wait, I will wait for you
Now I’ll be bold, as well as strong And use my head, along side my heart So tame my flesh and fix my eyes a tethered mind freed from the lies
But I’ll kneel down, wait for now I’ll kneel down, know my ground
(instrumental)
Raise my hands Paint my spirit gold Bow my head, feel my heart slow
I will wait, I wait wait for you And I will wait, I will wait for you And I will wait, I will wait for you And I will wait, I will wait for you
To flatter and follow others, without being flattered and followed in turn, is but a state of half enjoyment. ~Jane Austen
Since I am so behind on posting, I decided to designate certain days to Themed Posts.
And today is........Single Lady Saturday. Yes, the fact that I’m posting on the subject of being single on “Date-Night” is not lost on me.Hardy. Har. Har.
So maybe someone flirted with me the other day. I think. Maybe. I don't know. I am going to be honest, I googled it afterwards. "How to know when a guy is attracted to you?".
There have been so many things that have happened since my last post that I don't even know where to begin.
Let's begin with about a month ago I had a crush on a guy. It lasted about a week. I prayed about it and immediately it vanished. It was amazing. My crushes usually last for long periods of time and I tend to have a bit of an obsessive personality, so I gave it to God. Then that night I was talking to him and the crush just dissolved. I knew immediately that I must not accept anything less than a guy with the morals and ideals that I expect and deserve. I call him my own personal Tim Tebow. I am holding on to the fact that guys like Tim Tebow are rare but DO EXIST.
I have come to the realization that my weight issue and being uncomfortable in my own skin have been somewhat of a blessing. I have an amazing God that has protected me from myself and others so that I wouldn't mess up and regret my actions. Wow. Discovering that has given me an amazing peace about being single and being....me. Don't get me wrong....I have weight issues. I am not saying they're OK. They are a set-back. I am unhealthy and I want to be a witness mentally and physically but I no longer feel...."Woe is me!" I have peace; and feel like I can get to the place I am meant to be. I digress. It's not Weight Loss Wednesday....It's Single Lady Saturday.
Since I have come to the realization recently that I am closer to dating it has brought up so many questions. Not just the question I googled.....but also.....How do you let a guy know you are interested whilst letting him be the man? I'm sure some of you (or most) are thinking I should really know these things by now. Or that I am over thinking all of it, but all this time NOT dating has given me A LOT of time to think....over think.
So I am beginning to understand that it is officially only in movies that guys act or pursue without being prompted in some kind of way. In fact, Jane Austen had to write these men into existence to get a love story that begins by Darcy pursuing Elizabeth without any inclination she felt the same way. I'm wrapping my head around this....I'll adjust my mindset.
In nine cases out of ten, a woman had better show more affection than she feels. ~Jane Austen
My new motto is to "BE BOLD!" I am going to have to show some gumption if I am going to step out on a limb and show a guy I'm interested. There is no guy. Not yet, anyway.
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