Called Me Higher

     Not long ago I was thanking God for expecting and wanting more from me.  Not because he's dissatisfied with who we are as individuals, but like a good father wants the best for his children.  I wasn't able to articulate it so eloquently as the song I discovered soon after named "Called Me Higher" by All Sons and Daughters.  Praise the Father who pushes us to be the best possible versions of ourselves.  It proves He truly cares, for those who believe in Deism.

     Like Jonah, he may call us to Nineveh, which will be difficult but rewarding, but we will find a peace in the discomfort.  We will be strengthened by the hardships and be better for it on the other end.  I could stay and be comfortable.  I could not challenge myself and not grow.  I could stay but what will happen if I go?  I want to be more.

     Challenge accepted.

James 1:22-25
22 Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. 23 Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror 24 and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. 25 But whoever looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues in it—not forgetting what they have heard, but doing it—they will be blessed in what they do. 

There is no Cheesecake Factory in Nineveh

            For several weeks I have been praying about a thought that popped into my head as the door shut on an opportunity I was hoping for.  New York.  New York has always been a dream of mine.  I have loved it for as long as I can remember.  I don’t even know why I loved it before I had ever visited.  I finally went on my senior trip, and I have been back to visit New York every other year since.  I just couldn’t stay away.  In 2010, I went to New York around Christmas in hopes of looking for an apartment, while I was walking around New York I heard, “It’s not time.”  It stopped me in my tracks.  It was clear.

So, I moved back to Los Angeles, where it was so clear that I was on the right track.  Roommate and housing all fell into alignment; it was way too easy.  I’ve almost given up in my time back in Los Angeles, but I didn’t.  Here I am, in a few short months I will be jobless, and still not loving Los Angeles.  So, New York.  Like, I said a door closed on a different opportunity, and New York came to the forefront of my mind.  I began to pray over it.  New York started appearing everywhere, and I don’t mean on the side ads on Facebook.  You know you just know how you know?  I just knew these New York signs were for me.  After several small signs, I continued to pray.  One morning I was talking on the phone to my Mom and she mentioned a woman from Arkansas who now lives in New York came to church the previous Sunday.  (She didn’t know what had been on my mind.)  I thought, “Oh, that’s an interesting coincidence.”, as I was parallel parking.  I actually had to move my car about 20 minutes later and realized I was parked behind a Jeep Wrangler with a New York license plate.  (BTW, the only car I have ever loved or wanted to own is a Jeep Wrangler.)  I took that as my big confirmation.  I just knew.  That didn’t mean I stopped looking for other confirmations and signs.  Once, I decided that this was what I was supposed to do, I started praying over a date to move.  Then, my surgeon emailed me with a tentative date for my jaw surgery.  My boss asked if she could pray for me over all these decisions.  She began praying and stopped and said, “Oh my gosh, I have goose bumps.”  She continued praying and a calm feeling just washed over my body, starting from my head to my toes.  By the time she finished praying, I knew without a doubt that this is what He wants.  She hugged me and told me that the Holy Spirit is with me and He is all over this.  Of course, I have gone back and forth because New York is not the more comfortable option.  I don’t know anyone there.  The fact that this decision does scare me also confirms it is the right path.  He doesn’t call us to be comfortable.  The next day, once again, the doubt crept in, and in fact, I received news that my surgery costs more than expected, and I heard a voice…”See, you should stay in LA, it’s just easier.”  NOT TODAY SATAN! NOT TODAY! 

Later as I was sitting quietly alone, again I thought, there are too many difficulties moving to New York, I should just stay in LA.  Then, I heard, “It’s time.”  I also had a very clear picture flash in my mind: me leaving LA at almost exactly the same week I left 7 years ago.  Last time I left, I was depressed, I weighed the heaviest I have ever been in my life, and I was running away.  This time I am leaving, I am the healthiest I have ever been, I am months away from getting a surgery that I have wanted/needed for over 15 years, and my faith has grown.  He told me, this time you did it correctly; this is how you are supposed to leave.  As I continue to know this is the path for me, doubt creeps in, because did I mention I don’t know anyone in New York?  God continues to confirm it with verses, songs, and friend’s prayers.  The other night while I was reading my Bible I flipped through with this whole journey in the front of my mind, I landed on Jonah 1 when God tells Jonah to go to Nineveh, but Jonah didn’t want to go to Nineveh.  It’s always been my dream to move to New York.  Yes, it’s scary, much like going to Nineveh, but could it be possible that Nineveh is the dream?  The desire to move to New York had to have come from somewhere.  In fact, I don’t know where it came from.  I feel like it stemmed from my love of movies, but then why didn’t I want to ever live in Los Angeles, the center of the movie mecca? 

Through this God has been telling me to take this journey one step at a time, and to trust him.  It’s hard not to plan ahead, because I am a planner.  How can I not wonder where I will live in a few months, but he wants me to focus on each stepping stone as I approach them.

I wanted to talk to my BF/roommate about this whole situation but we only see each other in passing.  Last night, praise team practice was cancelled, and I was able to go home and talk to her.  She was great, and excited for me.  The next day, she was going to have lunch with a friend/ex-roommate that has been couch surfing while trying to find a job in LA.  She brought up the opening in the apartment and the girl almost wept with joy.  She was about to sign a lease this very day that she didn’t want to, but was going to out of desperation.  This was proof of his word that I can trust him to pave the path, and all I need to do is trust.

So I will sell my car and use that to move to New York.  Life is like a Sara Bareilles song.  

Whole30

Whole 30

3/3/15 Tuesday, Day 4-I am so irritable.  Not in a all doom and gloom sort of way like I get when I am coming off of a sugar hangover.  My thoughts aren’t bleak but I just want to yell at people.  Yell at cars for stopping in front of me.  Yell at children for climbing on me.  I am just annoyed.  I remembered to look at the Whole30 timeline to confirm that I am, in fact, right on track, although I feel I have eaten too many fruits and I have finished off some AIP banana bread I made the other day.  I have been guilty of eating it when I am not even hungry…just snacky.  Which doesn’t help break the habit of grabbing food out of boredom or ...insert emotion here.  I’ve eaten well, otherwise.  The real test begins now that I am done with the banana bread. I have coconut yogurt in the fridge in case I get too hungry in between meals.  I am also trying to only eat 4 times a day.  Hard for me.  Also, my back is killing me.  My slipped disc that occasionally gives me problems is quite painful.

3/4/15 Wednesday, Day 5  I woke up thinking, “I don’t feel so grumpy today.”  Then, I dropped…everything and there were stop lights; I was wrong.  Since, today is the first day I vow to not snack unless hungry and not eat discouraged food (i.e. unsweetened banana bread) I will list what I have eaten or will eat today:

B Egg, 2 Whole30 legal pieces of bacon, AIP “porridge”, coffee with lite coconut milk.
S Hard boiled egg and Coconut yogurt w banana and pineapple
L Butternut Squash Leek Soup, Whole30 legal Chicken Sausage
D AIP chili

There are several things that I am surprised that I once thought I couldn’t live without.

1. Cheese-It was a staple in my diet.  My favorite go-to snack.  Most people have cheese at their house which I can grab when I am hungry.  I need snacks because my work days are so long that I can’t go 6 hours between each meal.  Sometimes, though I am guilty of snacking out of boredom.  Cheese was a good source of protein which I would grab to tide me over until the next meal.  Once, I cut out cheese then reintroduced when AIP was over I no longer liked the sharp, bitter taste of cheese by itself.  Still love it on things but definitely can live without.  I thought it enhanced the flavor of everything I added it to but I have learned to appreciate the flavor of different ingredients without it.  
2. Milk-I didn’t think I could live without it in certain recipes and especially in my coffee.  I preferred half/half in my coffee and always sweetener.  When I finished AIP I stuck with NO DAIRY for awhile.  I grew accustomed to no sweetener in my coffee.  After awhile, I PREFERRED it to be unsweetened.  Now I can’t STAND sweetener in my coffee.  As for coconut milk in my coffee, I have grown to LOVE Trader Joe’s lite coconut milk.  It’s such a treat.  I will never go back to dairy unless it’s the only thing available when I get to a maintenance level. 
3. Peanut Butter-I would still like to eat Peanut Butter; I am not going to lie.  I prefer it to all other nut butters.  However, it is the snack I used to go for when I wanted to eat out of boredom.  Also, when I wanted something sweet, or dessert.  My favorite snack will always be apples and peanut butter.  It’s just delicious and filling.  I will go back to that after a long run on a strict Paleo diet.  I digress, I used to prefer Jiffy Natural Peanut Butter but it is made with sugar and other added ingredients. I never thought I would be able to switch to pure peanut butter, but I did.  I never thought I would like any other nut butters, but I do.  I never thought I could live without peanut butter, but I am.
4. Greek Yogurt-Once upon a time I thought I couldn’t eat my everyday smoothie without a dollop of Greek yogurt.  Over time, I have perfected a most delicious smoothie with 1 cup of greens, 1/2 banana, 1/2 cup of pineapple, 1/2 cup of coconut water, and Greek yogurt.  Like I said, I thought I couldn’t give up the Greek yogurt but I discovered when starting AIP that I could actually do without the Greek yogurt.  I add collagen hydrolysate for protein and even a few other veggies and it is just as filling and delicious.  Now that I know how to make Coconut Milk yogurt (recipe link above) I can add it to my smoothie and it adds the tanginess Greek yogurt did.

The point of this is that I once thought I couldn’t go without these things (mostly dairy) and now I am living dairy free (and peanut butter free much to my chagrin).  It was a progression over the past year.  It wasn’t overnight.  My mind changed; adjusted.  I took one thing away and realized I could, in fact, live.  It’s all about finding what does work for you.  It takes trial and error.  Much like the perfect Chipotle Burrito.

Hairy legs are your only link to reality.

I've always struggled with self esteem.  Whether it be nature vs nurture, it is still a big part of who I am.  Maybe it's a big part of all of us and it's what we do with it that makes us who we are, but I've decided to do something about it.  This is not a blog post all about weight which has been my biggest struggle in the journey to gaining self esteem. Realistically low self esteem doesn't disappear when your goal weight is reached.  Nay, in fact a whole mess of new issues are uncovered as if they were hiding under layers of weight.  Lose a pound, gain a different issue.  Weight is a literal barrier between the actual you and the rest of the world.  Fat rolls push out which push people further from you.  It is a wall.  I digress, like I said this is not a weight blog.  This is a self esteem blog.

I have never taken great care of myself.  Never really seeing the point in doing menial things like shaving my legs on a regular basis.  I've read blogs or pins on Pinterest suggesting things to do to perk up your day and rolled my eyes.  It all sounded so girly, and I am not a girly girl.  Feminine is not at the top of "how I feel" list.  My hands and my feet are just too big to feel as girly as other girls.  As I am in a transition period of my life I have decided to transition into someone with a healthy self esteem.  Over a year ago I made the decision to not bite my fingernails and pop my knuckles anymore.  Strangely, I acquired a sense of pride and femininity when I dropped those nasty habits.

I am going to sweep past the whole guy/self esteem issue.  I just want to assume you all know that men cannot be your source of self confidence.  Even if you have a guy, the best of guys, if he is having an off day and doesn't pay you the compliment you need, his off day will turn into your off day.  God forbid, your relationship falls apart.  You can't risk losing your man and your self confidence all in one day.  Good self esteem stemming from a relationship is paper thin; too fragile.

1. Do something you think you can't do...Stop biting your nails, 10 push ups, or whatever you can think of to give yo a sense of accomplishment.  It's the small things.

2. Paint your fingernails, put on pretty underwear that match your bra, shave your legs, put on lotion after you shower, shower, look up a healthy skin or hair treatment on Pinterest and try it.  Healthy self esteem is not dependent on these things, not in how you look; looks are fleeting, but you will be surprised how small things like this will change the way you feel.

3. Act on an urge.  Just get up and pick up that guitar.  (This is a note to myself.)  Pick up the guitar that has been sitting in the corner of your bedroom for a year.  Learn one chord.  Same with anything you have been meaning to do.  Pick it up.  Go on the Duolingo app and go through 10 minutes of learning the language you have been wanting to learn.  Do 10 minutes of whatever it is you have been wanting to do.  Usually 10 minutes turns to 30, but tell yourself 10 minutes.  I think most of what we do is tricking our brain into doing things that scares us.  Start a blog.  Talk to that guy.  Apply for that job.  It's not about the outcome because we won't see immediate results.  It is about the accomplishment of the act when you finished.

4. Write a blog post (a positive one).  Post on Facebook.  Pay someone a compliment.  When you encourage, you in turn will be encouraged.

5. DON'T compare yourself to anyone else.  That is wasted energy.  Energy you could be using on accomplishing a goal.  You are not someone else.  You are you.  The moment you begin to realize that your life will start changing.  There are things we wish we had or were like that we can do something about i.e. have arms like Jennifer Garner.  So, go do Tracy Anderson or Brooke Burke arms video.  It won't happen today but it will if you keep it up.  Then, there are things we wish but we can't do anything about, for example I will never look like Olivia Wilde.  God just didn't make me Olivia Wilde.  I could waste energy wishing but it won't happen, but I like my eyebrows so I can focus on that.  You know, Olivia Wilde probably wakes up wishing she could look like Olivia Wilde.  I mean, she doesn't have a hair and makeup team all day, every day.

6. Dance to a Taylor Swift song.  Who cares if you don't like her music.  It's fun.  Get up and dance.

7. Work out.  Eat better.  I know.  I know.  It's not something you want to hear and I did say this blog is not about losing weight.  It's not.  How do you feel after you eat a bag of Oreos?  Not good.  You may feel satiated but not good.  How do you feel after you get up and make yourself move?  Accomplished?  You don't regret working out.  You will regret not moving that day.  You don't have to do an Insanity video if you don't want to; get up and take a walk.  There may be a really cute neighbor out there walking his dog.  The goal is to go to bed feeling accomplished and not angry with yourself.

8. Lastly, watch a Bonnie Hunt movie.  She's a strong, talented, funny woman who just is who she is. She'll make you laugh and feel better about the day ahead.  If you don't like Bonnie Hunt then, this blog is not for you.  :)

Faces are a changing.

Hi friends.

I am sitting here working on my Financial Peace University budget and planning for my upcoming Corrective Jaw Surgery, I realized I need help.

My surgery will be coming up this summer.  My upper and lower jaws are in the wrong place and are rubbing together and wearing away with everything I say or eat.  This causes discomfort but the discomfort will worsen the older I get.  Also, my physical appearance will be altered as it wears away.  Insurance companies see this as purely cosmetic so I will have to pay for it out of pocket.  I ask for prayer over funding as well as the physical and emotional trauma I will endure during and after this process.  I say emotional trauma because the face I have seen the last 30 years will look drastically different, I've been told.

I have no idea exactly when my surgery will be.  It is all based on the movement of my bite with the braces I am currently wearing.  Not knowing the date is causing some stress.  I am trying to trust God's perfect timing.  My current job ends mid June and I will need a job after my recovery which can last 4 to 6 weeks.  I am praying that the timing works with the ending of my current job and with finding a new one.  So many things in the air.....I am a planner so the not knowing is hard.

Here is the link to a Fundraiser for my surgery.   

https://www.giveforward.com/fundraiser/74t7/maxillofacial-corrective-jaw-surgery

Thank you for your support and prayers.

Post Quarter Life Reflections.

"They tell you to write everyday and if you don't you've failed as a writer." ~A fellow failing writer.


You know how some thoughts don’t process for days, months, or even years?  There is too much activity going on at once or consecutively so you sit down to have your coffee and think, “That movie I saw two weeks ago was interesting.”  

Today is a day of reflection on movies and life.  Why didn’t I continue my friendship with this person?  Why do some people stick around and some do not?  Why didn’t they advertise that movie this way?  Why didn’t I realize that guy liked me until it was too late?  What would I have done about it if I had realized?  Why did I wear that outfit Wednesday?  Why did I say that?  Why can’t I keep my mouth shut?  Where did I put my….what was it I was looking for?  Why can’t I end a sentence with a preposition?  Why did I dream about John Krasinski last night?  Well, I know the answer to that last question.  Did everyone already know that you have to make life happen?  And why didn’t I realize it until recently?  

If I didn’t hate high school so much I would almost want to go back and do it over again with the “wisdom" I have now. (Cliches are cliches for a reason.)  I have caved to the idea that I am just one of the masses.  I’d like to think I’ve had an original thought, but I can’t think of an example at the moment.  I read that book because everyone else did.  I’m on Facebook.  I looked up the pictures of Renee Zellwegger’s new face.  I get my news from yahoo.com.  I jumped on the Mumford and Sons bandwagon.  I’ll have what you’re having.  Actually, that’s not true…I’ll change my order if you are order it, too.  I have to draw the line somewhere.    If dogs and babies didn’t love me so much I would question if I was even a good person.  

Chocolate Covered Self-Loathing

“Vanity and pride are different things, though the words are often used synonymously. A person may be proud without being vain. Pride relates more to our opinion of ourselves, vanity to what we would have others think of us.” ~Jane Austen

"You understand things are going to get much worse before they get better?", when the Orthodontist said this, little did he know this applied to my entire life, not just my teeth.  How apropos this statement is for so many things in my life right now: my under bite, my emotional tie to food, my mental state......

Last week, I likened myself to a Cicada shell; I look like I'm here but if you touch me I will crumble.

I know I am at a turning point in my life and I have to make the decision of where and how it's going to go.  I have not completely made up my mind at this point.  The whole transition has left me kind of lost.  I haven't prayed in a few days, I haven't done my devotional or my Bible Study.  Turns out I am kind of mad at God; don't be shocked by this news, he isn't.  In fact, he knew before I even realized it.  The answer is not turning away from him, I know that; I'm not going to turn away but you know how sometimes you have to take a step back to appreciate what you have?

Apparently, I have the kind of face that makes a Maxillofacial Surgeon and Orthodontist giddy with excitement.....I mean, I knew I was kind of strange looking but.....this is going to be a very strange year for me.  In reference to the Orthodontist, I get my braces on in a month and he is going to create an under bite so that I can have surgery in a year to correct the placement of my jaw.  The next year of my life is going to be a roller coaster of emotions.  I have grown accustomed to my own face.  I mean,  I have my issues with it but to be told that it will without a doubt be made worse over the next year......it is a hard pill to swallow.  Only, to follow up with a surgery that will completely change everything on my face below my eyes is something I can't even comprehend.  What is it going to be like to look in the mirror and see someone different that the person that looked back at you the first...ahem....years of your life?  Identity crisis, perhaps?  This is the time to take to secure my beliefs, values, and standards before they get "all shook up"!

On top of everything else, my family members moving from the town that I have called home for the past 20 years of my life is perhaps why I have been stuffing my face with ice cream and bread.  I am very much having a "WHO AM I?" moment over the last week or so.  I know I am getting close the final battle regarding my eating issues and it is like that part of me is trying to hold on for dear life (death, more like it).  Suffice it to say, I am a bit of a mess right now.

Do you think if I sent this blog post directly to Tom Hiddleston I could get a hug?

Speaking of which, is it vanity or pride when I think I have a chance with someone that....I don't know....looks like Tom Hiddleston but 50 year old men are looking my way?  Look old dude, I just watched the One Direction movie....and liked it.  Shouldn't your eyes be wandering to someone who doesn't have dreams she's dating Harry Styles?

Good day to you.