Hairy legs are your only link to reality.

I've always struggled with self esteem.  Whether it be nature vs nurture, it is still a big part of who I am.  Maybe it's a big part of all of us and it's what we do with it that makes us who we are, but I've decided to do something about it.  This is not a blog post all about weight which has been my biggest struggle in the journey to gaining self esteem. Realistically low self esteem doesn't disappear when your goal weight is reached.  Nay, in fact a whole mess of new issues are uncovered as if they were hiding under layers of weight.  Lose a pound, gain a different issue.  Weight is a literal barrier between the actual you and the rest of the world.  Fat rolls push out which push people further from you.  It is a wall.  I digress, like I said this is not a weight blog.  This is a self esteem blog.

I have never taken great care of myself.  Never really seeing the point in doing menial things like shaving my legs on a regular basis.  I've read blogs or pins on Pinterest suggesting things to do to perk up your day and rolled my eyes.  It all sounded so girly, and I am not a girly girl.  Feminine is not at the top of "how I feel" list.  My hands and my feet are just too big to feel as girly as other girls.  As I am in a transition period of my life I have decided to transition into someone with a healthy self esteem.  Over a year ago I made the decision to not bite my fingernails and pop my knuckles anymore.  Strangely, I acquired a sense of pride and femininity when I dropped those nasty habits.

I am going to sweep past the whole guy/self esteem issue.  I just want to assume you all know that men cannot be your source of self confidence.  Even if you have a guy, the best of guys, if he is having an off day and doesn't pay you the compliment you need, his off day will turn into your off day.  God forbid, your relationship falls apart.  You can't risk losing your man and your self confidence all in one day.  Good self esteem stemming from a relationship is paper thin; too fragile.

1. Do something you think you can't do...Stop biting your nails, 10 push ups, or whatever you can think of to give yo a sense of accomplishment.  It's the small things.

2. Paint your fingernails, put on pretty underwear that match your bra, shave your legs, put on lotion after you shower, shower, look up a healthy skin or hair treatment on Pinterest and try it.  Healthy self esteem is not dependent on these things, not in how you look; looks are fleeting, but you will be surprised how small things like this will change the way you feel.

3. Act on an urge.  Just get up and pick up that guitar.  (This is a note to myself.)  Pick up the guitar that has been sitting in the corner of your bedroom for a year.  Learn one chord.  Same with anything you have been meaning to do.  Pick it up.  Go on the Duolingo app and go through 10 minutes of learning the language you have been wanting to learn.  Do 10 minutes of whatever it is you have been wanting to do.  Usually 10 minutes turns to 30, but tell yourself 10 minutes.  I think most of what we do is tricking our brain into doing things that scares us.  Start a blog.  Talk to that guy.  Apply for that job.  It's not about the outcome because we won't see immediate results.  It is about the accomplishment of the act when you finished.

4. Write a blog post (a positive one).  Post on Facebook.  Pay someone a compliment.  When you encourage, you in turn will be encouraged.

5. DON'T compare yourself to anyone else.  That is wasted energy.  Energy you could be using on accomplishing a goal.  You are not someone else.  You are you.  The moment you begin to realize that your life will start changing.  There are things we wish we had or were like that we can do something about i.e. have arms like Jennifer Garner.  So, go do Tracy Anderson or Brooke Burke arms video.  It won't happen today but it will if you keep it up.  Then, there are things we wish but we can't do anything about, for example I will never look like Olivia Wilde.  God just didn't make me Olivia Wilde.  I could waste energy wishing but it won't happen, but I like my eyebrows so I can focus on that.  You know, Olivia Wilde probably wakes up wishing she could look like Olivia Wilde.  I mean, she doesn't have a hair and makeup team all day, every day.

6. Dance to a Taylor Swift song.  Who cares if you don't like her music.  It's fun.  Get up and dance.

7. Work out.  Eat better.  I know.  I know.  It's not something you want to hear and I did say this blog is not about losing weight.  It's not.  How do you feel after you eat a bag of Oreos?  Not good.  You may feel satiated but not good.  How do you feel after you get up and make yourself move?  Accomplished?  You don't regret working out.  You will regret not moving that day.  You don't have to do an Insanity video if you don't want to; get up and take a walk.  There may be a really cute neighbor out there walking his dog.  The goal is to go to bed feeling accomplished and not angry with yourself.

8. Lastly, watch a Bonnie Hunt movie.  She's a strong, talented, funny woman who just is who she is. She'll make you laugh and feel better about the day ahead.  If you don't like Bonnie Hunt then, this blog is not for you.  :)

Faces are a changing.

Hi friends.

I am sitting here working on my Financial Peace University budget and planning for my upcoming Corrective Jaw Surgery, I realized I need help.

My surgery will be coming up this summer.  My upper and lower jaws are in the wrong place and are rubbing together and wearing away with everything I say or eat.  This causes discomfort but the discomfort will worsen the older I get.  Also, my physical appearance will be altered as it wears away.  Insurance companies see this as purely cosmetic so I will have to pay for it out of pocket.  I ask for prayer over funding as well as the physical and emotional trauma I will endure during and after this process.  I say emotional trauma because the face I have seen the last 30 years will look drastically different, I've been told.

I have no idea exactly when my surgery will be.  It is all based on the movement of my bite with the braces I am currently wearing.  Not knowing the date is causing some stress.  I am trying to trust God's perfect timing.  My current job ends mid June and I will need a job after my recovery which can last 4 to 6 weeks.  I am praying that the timing works with the ending of my current job and with finding a new one.  So many things in the air.....I am a planner so the not knowing is hard.

Here is the link to a Fundraiser for my surgery.   

https://www.giveforward.com/fundraiser/74t7/maxillofacial-corrective-jaw-surgery

Thank you for your support and prayers.

Post Quarter Life Reflections.

"They tell you to write everyday and if you don't you've failed as a writer." ~A fellow failing writer.


You know how some thoughts don’t process for days, months, or even years?  There is too much activity going on at once or consecutively so you sit down to have your coffee and think, “That movie I saw two weeks ago was interesting.”  

Today is a day of reflection on movies and life.  Why didn’t I continue my friendship with this person?  Why do some people stick around and some do not?  Why didn’t they advertise that movie this way?  Why didn’t I realize that guy liked me until it was too late?  What would I have done about it if I had realized?  Why did I wear that outfit Wednesday?  Why did I say that?  Why can’t I keep my mouth shut?  Where did I put my….what was it I was looking for?  Why can’t I end a sentence with a preposition?  Why did I dream about John Krasinski last night?  Well, I know the answer to that last question.  Did everyone already know that you have to make life happen?  And why didn’t I realize it until recently?  

If I didn’t hate high school so much I would almost want to go back and do it over again with the “wisdom" I have now. (Cliches are cliches for a reason.)  I have caved to the idea that I am just one of the masses.  I’d like to think I’ve had an original thought, but I can’t think of an example at the moment.  I read that book because everyone else did.  I’m on Facebook.  I looked up the pictures of Renee Zellwegger’s new face.  I get my news from yahoo.com.  I jumped on the Mumford and Sons bandwagon.  I’ll have what you’re having.  Actually, that’s not true…I’ll change my order if you are order it, too.  I have to draw the line somewhere.    If dogs and babies didn’t love me so much I would question if I was even a good person.  

Chocolate Covered Self-Loathing

“Vanity and pride are different things, though the words are often used synonymously. A person may be proud without being vain. Pride relates more to our opinion of ourselves, vanity to what we would have others think of us.” ~Jane Austen

"You understand things are going to get much worse before they get better?", when the Orthodontist said this, little did he know this applied to my entire life, not just my teeth.  How apropos this statement is for so many things in my life right now: my under bite, my emotional tie to food, my mental state......

Last week, I likened myself to a Cicada shell; I look like I'm here but if you touch me I will crumble.

I know I am at a turning point in my life and I have to make the decision of where and how it's going to go.  I have not completely made up my mind at this point.  The whole transition has left me kind of lost.  I haven't prayed in a few days, I haven't done my devotional or my Bible Study.  Turns out I am kind of mad at God; don't be shocked by this news, he isn't.  In fact, he knew before I even realized it.  The answer is not turning away from him, I know that; I'm not going to turn away but you know how sometimes you have to take a step back to appreciate what you have?

Apparently, I have the kind of face that makes a Maxillofacial Surgeon and Orthodontist giddy with excitement.....I mean, I knew I was kind of strange looking but.....this is going to be a very strange year for me.  In reference to the Orthodontist, I get my braces on in a month and he is going to create an under bite so that I can have surgery in a year to correct the placement of my jaw.  The next year of my life is going to be a roller coaster of emotions.  I have grown accustomed to my own face.  I mean,  I have my issues with it but to be told that it will without a doubt be made worse over the next year......it is a hard pill to swallow.  Only, to follow up with a surgery that will completely change everything on my face below my eyes is something I can't even comprehend.  What is it going to be like to look in the mirror and see someone different that the person that looked back at you the first...ahem....years of your life?  Identity crisis, perhaps?  This is the time to take to secure my beliefs, values, and standards before they get "all shook up"!

On top of everything else, my family members moving from the town that I have called home for the past 20 years of my life is perhaps why I have been stuffing my face with ice cream and bread.  I am very much having a "WHO AM I?" moment over the last week or so.  I know I am getting close the final battle regarding my eating issues and it is like that part of me is trying to hold on for dear life (death, more like it).  Suffice it to say, I am a bit of a mess right now.

Do you think if I sent this blog post directly to Tom Hiddleston I could get a hug?

Speaking of which, is it vanity or pride when I think I have a chance with someone that....I don't know....looks like Tom Hiddleston but 50 year old men are looking my way?  Look old dude, I just watched the One Direction movie....and liked it.  Shouldn't your eyes be wandering to someone who doesn't have dreams she's dating Harry Styles?

Good day to you.

WAITING?

Today, I was reading scripture aloud to the little girl I babysit.  I jokingly said, "Let's see if God has anything to say to me about my future husband in Song of Songs."  I flipped to the chapter and this is the first thing I read.... 


The Bride's Dream

On my bed by night

I sought him whom my soul loves;

I sought him, but found him not.

I will rise now and go about the city,

in the streets and in the squares;

I will seek him whom my soul loves.

I sought him, but found him not.

The watchmen found me

as they went about in the city.

“Have you seen him whom my soul loves?”

Scarcely had I passed them

when I found him whom my soul loves.

I held him, and would not let him go

until I had brought him into my mother's house,

and into the chamber of her who conceived me.

I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem,

by the gazelles or the does of the field,

that you not stir up or awaken love

until it pleases. (Song of Songs 3:1-5, ESV)

That last line made me laugh.  It reminded me of a quote from Mansfield Park that has been running through my head the last few days....

"I only entreat every body to believe that exactly at the time when it was quite natural that it should be so, and not a week earlier, Edmund did cease to care about Miss Crawford, and become anxious to marry Fanny,as Fanny herself could desire.” 

So, I wait.

You're definitely going to win.

It must be nice to wake up in the morning, to look in the mirror and see Evangeline Lilly or Kate Winslet's face looking back at you.  Sigh.  I will never know.  Only Evangeline and Kate knows what that feels like and there is nothing I could do about it.  If only.  How many hours do you spend a day wishing you were something else?

Cue song.....I wish I was a little bit taller, I wish I was a baller......

I most likely would have Rachel Bilson's body if I put in as much effort exercising as I did wishing I looked like someone else.

I believe it's built in to our very nature as women to compare ourselves to each other.  I blame Eve; I don't know how to relate it to her but I blame her.  I think it's a part of our curse.  What if we just decided not to compare ourselves to each other?  What if we realized that wishing you were something you are not is a waste of time and energy?  What if we used that brain power to come up with something creative of which we could be proud?

I look no more like Kate Winslet than I did 5 minutes ago.....trust me, I checked.

On a similar subject, I have decided to stop worrying, thinking, and planning for a future I have no control over.  Clarification: I don't mean stop preparing; I mean stop planning.  Don't stop working out, saving money, and caring for yourself, family, and future.  Planning, on the other hand, planning in a year's time you will be "this" size, live in "this" place, or have "this" accomplished is a waste. Life could interfere.  God makes the plans; we can only prepare.

I think I know what my future holds.  In a year, I will be at my goal weight, having had jaw surgery, and moving to New York or London.  Do you think God just laughed?


Matthew 6:25-34

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?  Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?  Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life ?  "And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin.  Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.  If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?  So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?'  For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.  But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.  Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Saving Innocence

Matthew 18 The Greatest in the Kingdom. 1^a At that time the disciples^* approached Jesus and said, “Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?” 2He called a child over, placed it in their midst, 3^b and said, “Amen, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children,^* you will not enter the kingdom of heaven. 4^c Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. 5^* And whoever receives one child such as this in my name receives me.

"Is it sleeting where you are in California?", my 6 year old niece asked me this morning on the phone.  It is sleeting in Arkansas, so it must be sleeting everywhere.  Ah, kids.

I remember being a little girl.  I liked to dance, sing, pretend, play with dolls, dress up, and draw (OK, I still like to do all those things).  Everything was easier.  My biggest concern was being bored.  I remember turning 13 and telling myself that I had to stop playing with Barbies because I was a teenager now; it was a significant moment in my life. 

I can't imagine having that innocence taken away from me by being abused or raped.  Gong from a blissful child to a unprepared adult almost instantaneously.  This is a cause very close to my heart, as someone who values purity above all else, I think there is no greater crime than the loss of innocence.  The audacity of someone feeling they have the right to take that away from another angers me like nothing else. 

I know too many who have had that innocence taken away from them; who are scarred with memories of being powerless.  For those of you who have, know that I don't know the extent of your pain but I weep with you.  What was done to you was unfair, there is no explanation, but join me in the fight against the worst crime in the world. 

Isaiah 1:17
Learn to do right! Seek justice, encourage the oppressed. Defend the cause of the fatherless, plead the case of the widow.

Saving Innocence is a cause that we can support to bring justice to those who have been trafficked in America.  It is happening here, not just in third world countries, but here.  Please visit their website and read the amazing things these ladies have done to bring scum to justice, to fight for the innocent, and to bring awareness of what is happening next door.

Hope House is a place where these victims can go to seek refuge.  Do what you can to give to get the doors open.  I ask my friends, family, and the void that is the internet to give ANYTHING to help get this place up and running. 

Psalm 33:5
The LORD loves righteousness and justice; the earth is full of his unfailing love.

http://www.savinginnocence.org/