Post Quarter Life Reflections.

"They tell you to write everyday and if you don't you've failed as a writer." ~A fellow failing writer.


You know how some thoughts don’t process for days, months, or even years?  There is too much activity going on at once or consecutively so you sit down to have your coffee and think, “That movie I saw two weeks ago was interesting.”  

Today is a day of reflection on movies and life.  Why didn’t I continue my friendship with this person?  Why do some people stick around and some do not?  Why didn’t they advertise that movie this way?  Why didn’t I realize that guy liked me until it was too late?  What would I have done about it if I had realized?  Why did I wear that outfit Wednesday?  Why did I say that?  Why can’t I keep my mouth shut?  Where did I put my….what was it I was looking for?  Why can’t I end a sentence with a preposition?  Why did I dream about John Krasinski last night?  Well, I know the answer to that last question.  Did everyone already know that you have to make life happen?  And why didn’t I realize it until recently?  

If I didn’t hate high school so much I would almost want to go back and do it over again with the “wisdom" I have now. (Cliches are cliches for a reason.)  I have caved to the idea that I am just one of the masses.  I’d like to think I’ve had an original thought, but I can’t think of an example at the moment.  I read that book because everyone else did.  I’m on Facebook.  I looked up the pictures of Renee Zellwegger’s new face.  I get my news from yahoo.com.  I jumped on the Mumford and Sons bandwagon.  I’ll have what you’re having.  Actually, that’s not true…I’ll change my order if you are order it, too.  I have to draw the line somewhere.    If dogs and babies didn’t love me so much I would question if I was even a good person.  

Chocolate Covered Self-Loathing

“Vanity and pride are different things, though the words are often used synonymously. A person may be proud without being vain. Pride relates more to our opinion of ourselves, vanity to what we would have others think of us.” ~Jane Austen

"You understand things are going to get much worse before they get better?", when the Orthodontist said this, little did he know this applied to my entire life, not just my teeth.  How apropos this statement is for so many things in my life right now: my under bite, my emotional tie to food, my mental state......

Last week, I likened myself to a Cicada shell; I look like I'm here but if you touch me I will crumble.

I know I am at a turning point in my life and I have to make the decision of where and how it's going to go.  I have not completely made up my mind at this point.  The whole transition has left me kind of lost.  I haven't prayed in a few days, I haven't done my devotional or my Bible Study.  Turns out I am kind of mad at God; don't be shocked by this news, he isn't.  In fact, he knew before I even realized it.  The answer is not turning away from him, I know that; I'm not going to turn away but you know how sometimes you have to take a step back to appreciate what you have?

Apparently, I have the kind of face that makes a Maxillofacial Surgeon and Orthodontist giddy with excitement.....I mean, I knew I was kind of strange looking but.....this is going to be a very strange year for me.  In reference to the Orthodontist, I get my braces on in a month and he is going to create an under bite so that I can have surgery in a year to correct the placement of my jaw.  The next year of my life is going to be a roller coaster of emotions.  I have grown accustomed to my own face.  I mean,  I have my issues with it but to be told that it will without a doubt be made worse over the next year......it is a hard pill to swallow.  Only, to follow up with a surgery that will completely change everything on my face below my eyes is something I can't even comprehend.  What is it going to be like to look in the mirror and see someone different that the person that looked back at you the first...ahem....years of your life?  Identity crisis, perhaps?  This is the time to take to secure my beliefs, values, and standards before they get "all shook up"!

On top of everything else, my family members moving from the town that I have called home for the past 20 years of my life is perhaps why I have been stuffing my face with ice cream and bread.  I am very much having a "WHO AM I?" moment over the last week or so.  I know I am getting close the final battle regarding my eating issues and it is like that part of me is trying to hold on for dear life (death, more like it).  Suffice it to say, I am a bit of a mess right now.

Do you think if I sent this blog post directly to Tom Hiddleston I could get a hug?

Speaking of which, is it vanity or pride when I think I have a chance with someone that....I don't know....looks like Tom Hiddleston but 50 year old men are looking my way?  Look old dude, I just watched the One Direction movie....and liked it.  Shouldn't your eyes be wandering to someone who doesn't have dreams she's dating Harry Styles?

Good day to you.

WAITING?

Today, I was reading scripture aloud to the little girl I babysit.  I jokingly said, "Let's see if God has anything to say to me about my future husband in Song of Songs."  I flipped to the chapter and this is the first thing I read.... 


The Bride's Dream

On my bed by night

I sought him whom my soul loves;

I sought him, but found him not.

I will rise now and go about the city,

in the streets and in the squares;

I will seek him whom my soul loves.

I sought him, but found him not.

The watchmen found me

as they went about in the city.

“Have you seen him whom my soul loves?”

Scarcely had I passed them

when I found him whom my soul loves.

I held him, and would not let him go

until I had brought him into my mother's house,

and into the chamber of her who conceived me.

I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem,

by the gazelles or the does of the field,

that you not stir up or awaken love

until it pleases. (Song of Songs 3:1-5, ESV)

That last line made me laugh.  It reminded me of a quote from Mansfield Park that has been running through my head the last few days....

"I only entreat every body to believe that exactly at the time when it was quite natural that it should be so, and not a week earlier, Edmund did cease to care about Miss Crawford, and become anxious to marry Fanny,as Fanny herself could desire.” 

So, I wait.

You're definitely going to win.

It must be nice to wake up in the morning, to look in the mirror and see Evangeline Lilly or Kate Winslet's face looking back at you.  Sigh.  I will never know.  Only Evangeline and Kate knows what that feels like and there is nothing I could do about it.  If only.  How many hours do you spend a day wishing you were something else?

Cue song.....I wish I was a little bit taller, I wish I was a baller......

I most likely would have Rachel Bilson's body if I put in as much effort exercising as I did wishing I looked like someone else.

I believe it's built in to our very nature as women to compare ourselves to each other.  I blame Eve; I don't know how to relate it to her but I blame her.  I think it's a part of our curse.  What if we just decided not to compare ourselves to each other?  What if we realized that wishing you were something you are not is a waste of time and energy?  What if we used that brain power to come up with something creative of which we could be proud?

I look no more like Kate Winslet than I did 5 minutes ago.....trust me, I checked.

On a similar subject, I have decided to stop worrying, thinking, and planning for a future I have no control over.  Clarification: I don't mean stop preparing; I mean stop planning.  Don't stop working out, saving money, and caring for yourself, family, and future.  Planning, on the other hand, planning in a year's time you will be "this" size, live in "this" place, or have "this" accomplished is a waste. Life could interfere.  God makes the plans; we can only prepare.

I think I know what my future holds.  In a year, I will be at my goal weight, having had jaw surgery, and moving to New York or London.  Do you think God just laughed?


Matthew 6:25-34

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?  Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?  Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life ?  "And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin.  Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.  If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?  So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?'  For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.  But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.  Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.